BPD Had a BPD episode…

[Luna_Moth]

First I started noticing negative feelings that have been coming up. Then I basically went down a spiral where I would have these crying spells. My thoughts slowly started turning towards the thought of harming myself and then of harming my father for all the times he assaulted me. Now I just feel empty and don’t want to do anything I once enjoyed. I’m also really drowsy and tired all the time. When I get this way I’ll binge or overeat even though I hate my body and would rather look like an emaciated, concentration camp victim than be asked if I’m pregnant.

I also had suicidal ideation of blowing my brains out, which was why I had authorities confiscate my gun last year.

I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by people who care.

The self-hatred is getting out of hand even though I’m not acting these impulses anymore.

I can’t really tell if this is depression or a BPD episode. All I know is that I just want it to end.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know about BPD, but relate to what you've written.

I've been thinking that it's depression triggered by something (for me: anniversary period and the whole 'not mattering' issue).

What one thing would make it slightly better?
Is trying something that you would usually enjoy possible? Help trigger back those more hopeful/happy feelings?

 

[Luna_Moth]

What one thing would make it slightly better?
Is trying something that you would usually enjoy possible? Help trigger back those more hopeful/happy feelings?

No idea.

 

[Luna_Moth]

I've been thinking that it's depression triggered by something (for me: anniversary period and the whole 'not mattering' issue).

I think it may have to do with the fact that I asked some friends to hang out with me by watching a movie on Discord, but we can’t because our schedules clash and it’s online friendships that take place halfway across the world. I don’t hold it above their head because I understand we’re adults with busy lives, but it still reminds me of how lonely and broken I truly feel.

Plus I don’t have any family who truly loves and supports me beside like two people who also live halfway across the world.

I would join a hobby that requires me to go out like a martial art, because that would require me to socialize and get fit. Unfortunately most of those would cost a lot of money and I’m too poor to pay for those types of hobbies.

 

[Sideways]

Unfortunately most of those would cost a lot of money and I’m too poor to pay for those types of hobbies

Try not to get lost down the “I can’t because” rabbit hole. That’s depression, and as persuasive as it may seem, it’s not the truth. Free options can be found anywhere from community bulletin boards at the grocery store to online communities where you can dip your toe in.

This idea? Is a brilliant one. It has the potential to be helpful on so many levels.

 

[Luna_Moth]

Try not to get lost down the “I can’t because” rabbit hole. That’s depression, and as persuasive as it may seem, it’s not the truth. Free options can be found anywhere from community bulletin boards at the grocery store to online communities where you can dip your toe in.

This idea? Is a brilliant one. It has the potential to be helpful on so many levels.

So I found three communities that offer free classes. There’s the sheriffs office that offers free self-defense classes, a local church, and then a non-profit Christian organization that offers classes free of monthly charges. I’m not sure how the last one works. My only gripe is that I’m an ex-Christian and the last thing I want is to be sucked back into the fold or proselytized by someone else. I just don’t see how I’d relate to someone when I’m trying to stay away from it and they’d possibly happen to expect me to think like them.

 

[Sideways]

So, maybe have a crack at the Sheriff’s office classes and see how you go?

If you don’t like the class, the other attendees, or even the instructors, may have ideas about where else you could try.

A lot of christian based activities won’t necessarily involve any proselytising, depending on the denomination. But I get that - I wouldn’t walk into a church voluntarily, even if it was to do something non-denominational. But, there’s a lot of free community options for stuff if you look around and are prepared to experiment a little:)