Had A Flashback This Afternoon

[Iam]

As I was driving to my now x office to clear things out yesterday afternoon I had a flashback. Before it happened I started feeling sad, don't know why, maybe because I felt I failed by quiting on my partner. All of a sudden I flashed on when my dad was holding a boulder over my head, ready to bash my skull in when I was 18. For years I had thought it was me holding the boulder, my mother recently brought it up on her own saying she was remembering when my dad did that to me. I told her she had it all wrong. A few weeks ago I realized she was right.

I was crying inside my head. "Daddy, why do you want to kill me?" over and over again. I had done absolutely nothing wrong. He and my mother must have gotten into a drunken fight the night before. I woke up to find the sandwich loaf my mother and I had labored over for my bridesmaid luncheon all over the front lawn. I yelled at my dad for doing it, for ruining my party. I was so furious that I wanted to kill him. Maybe thats why I had thought all these years it was me holding the boulder over his head? I guess standing up for myself and yelling at him is what set him off.

Wish I knew what set me off so I could avoid it in the future.

I was so upset when I came home. My husband noticed and thought something had happened. I didn't even want to go to our son's for a BBQ we had planned. It would have been so easy to just stay home and withdraw, but I did make myself go and I felt better as a result.

I am forcing myself to get out and do things that I enjoy and find that it really does help.

 

[anni]

I don't know why, either. The flashbacks I get these days are infrequent but now all are the life-threatening ones. There are a few.The others left ages ago but the ones like you describe show up once in awhile. I do wonder if only the REALLY awful ones are stiil there because it's some sign of getting better, really? Maybe the head has somehow resolved some of the other things and doesn't fling those pictures at us anymore-these horrific things it hasn't been able to deal with yet-how does it?

I'm going to ask my T on connecting the dots with this next week. You have already' therapied' yourself by knowing the best thing to do is engage in things one enjoys deliberately. I'm guessing the T is going to somehow draw the line back to self-worth-it seems to always end up in that cul-de-sac, doesn't it?

I hope the barbeque was lovely-kids things are as distracting as it GETS, and boy can you get out of your head quickly around all that energy! Hope the dam flashbacks stay away for awhile now.

Anni

 

[Iam]

;o) Anni ;o)

Thanks the BBQ was great! Our son grilled salmon he had caught the week before and tri-tip, YUM! Afterwards our youngest son, his girlfriend, my husband and I went to see the blues band our oldest son manages. They were the headline band and it was a GREAT show! While there our youngest son, gf and 3rd member of their group secured their first paid gig up in Portland (Oregon not Maine) for Sept 3rd and 2 more at different venues here in Salem next month! They are so STOKED, it was fun to see ;o)

I honestly don't have flashbacks as such, where I totally dissociate (I do that when emotionally wrung out). I think mine are more intrusive memories and emotional flashbacks thank God.

I am glad that many of your memories don't present as flashbacks anymore. I do think you are right about the life threatening memories being harder to process. I have a few myself. And those are the ones where I either totally checked out so don't remember how they ended up or as in this one I mentioned changed the ending to something more bearable. Amazing to me that our minds can do that so well. I mean.....I really remembered it differently. That's crazy! Ooppps...I forgot....I am!

I appreciate your comments Anni and read many of your posts. Would love to be able to jump on our horses and go for a ride with you! I got both my horses in the water all the way up to their withers this month in an inland "pond" at low tide at the beach! It was a blast! If only a couple innches deeper we could have been swimming!
View attachment 3473View attachment 3474
Pine and I Champ and I are on the left. My friend's daughter's horse is green and look what she did!

 

[Artista]

Love the pics above!! Really amazing to work with those beautiful creatures! I just heard the Crime Victims Council I attend for group has secured a therapist for equine therapy to begin at some later date and offered it to my group as the test run. Can you believe it???? Free! I am excited. I used to help a friend when I was a teen with her horse. Just thought you'd find that interesting. (wonder if eventually you could do this for people?? just a ponder...)

So good to hear you could avoid the caving you initially wanted to do and went to the BBQ! Sounds like the best thing all the way around! I have had a little break from working on this and am so anxious again... like I fell off the wagon or something! So this was a nice reminder for me to recall i have been trying to learn coping skills and things can be ok.

 

[Iam]

Hey ARTISTA!!!!! I've missed you. Sorry you have had a rough time of it lately. I have too and yes, forcing myself to go do "fun" things is really the best way for me to get out of any funk I am in. Even if it is only temporary. That is so AWESOME that they are offering to do this with your group! Equine therapy is becoming quite common. We have a ranch in central Oregon that does it for kids.

Just to have a relationship with such a large animal is empowering. I have noticed that it helps my 10 yr old granddaughter be more assertive. When she will starts to cave and give in to her horse or pony (she's outgrown Tinkerbell but still works her for me) I really get on her to be firm. Last week I had her working her pony and she was giving this soft "ho" command.....I made her say "HO" really assertively serveral times outloud until she got it. I love seeing her blossom working with the horses. Not to mention the fact that she is a fun riding buddy ;o)

Yes, a friend and I have talked about starting a program for abused women. It is just so expensive, the insurance is outrageous. There is a ranch in central Oregon that does this for kids. Their expenses are over $550,000 a year. ACKKK!!! Of course they operate on grants and donations, but dang...how do you get it started? I do have two horses for the simple reason of being able to take others out who wouldn't have an opportunity otherwise. I mentor a couple young adult women that love to ride. Taking them riding out into the forest or on the beach affords us the chance to really talk about issues in their lives. I am blessed I to have my horses to be able to share!

Anyway...glad to see you back. HUGS!

 

[anni]

Oh THANK YOU! In all the years of mucking around with these beasties one thing I’ve never done is THAT and have always been enchanted with the notion. The closest would have been horse-version of exposure therapy-ie. Being the kook who gets to convince an equine kook with a water phobia that getting across that creek will not, in fact, suck them into hell. End result for awhile is them either taking a good old goat jump across with 4 feet to spare and you up around their throat or them taking those tiny tiny little snorting steps into what they feel is fire and brimstone, for some reason, then soaking both of you while frantically splashing through like a spastic camel. I can’t imagine how awesome it would be to be one of those people in the surf-holy heck!Like the cover of a romance novel, isn’t it?

I’ll be a shameless voyouer ( spelling awful today-what is it with stress and the spelling going POOF?) with you folks over the therapeutic ( think that’s wrong too-somewhere must be study on brain function and stress with this PTSD thing-help, RJ!)riding programs. I have several times attempted to build programs for both abused children and domestic violence adult survivors and been floored every time over the dam insurance.SUCH a huge amount of willing, kind professionals did I find-really knock down, drag out pros with nothing to gain but wishing to help these victims, and $ raised it’s ugly head. Every time. There would be nothing as fabulous for this purpose, either, as some wise, patient old school horse, would there? Empowering in the extreme!Oh I do hope you all keep mentioning these things- I haven’t actually given up any of my plans. I’m just SO convince it’s a path to SO much peace. ‘It’ is my place of greatest confidence in therapy-and greatest love despite what I do for a living mostly at the moment. The icon is indicative of that-the strength of it all, not some inclination to advertise oneself as a horsey person, you know?

This post will be farrrr too long if I answer all the lovely things you mentioned, Iams, and believe it or not am not at all comfortable doing what seems like ‘pontificating’. it’s not, I know, but always wince when hit ‘post’ and it looks LONG. I went back and found that post which inspired Amethist to suggest the memory thread-your grandfather-sigh! More empowering things to always, always have. Nice to think the children will have that-mention it all someday in the same vein, down to the barbecue and the salmon fishing, I think.

Will shush because suspect will wince when hit ‘post quick reply’. Quick, ha! If you and Arista see someone hiding in the bushes with binoculars while discussing these things, don’t call security, it’s only me

 

[Artista]

Work on finding a way to get a grant for this.... you could try writing a grant proposal and hey... never know what happens!!!!!!!!! I wanna look into grant writing. I'll let ya know what I find out!

 

[Iam]

Anni...your post made me smile ;o) Yes a good old lesson horse would be perfect. Although tow of the therapy ranches I have read about actually use rescue horses!

Artista, I know the ranch in central Oregon has gotten grants. They started with nothing. I want to go look at their facility, it's supposed to be amazing! I have absolutely no idea how to write grants but I do know someone, actually 2 people, who do.

This is weird that this has come up. AdamAnt actually suggested that I start something like this and put me in contact with a friend of his that had been doing this for abused women in Georgia. She had to stop due to personal reasons, but it was obvious how much it had helped the women involved. 2 people suggesting the same thing in a couple of months....hmmmmm....coincidence?

 

[ClairBear226]

http://www.braveheartsriding.org

Maybe these people can point you in the direction of what you're looking for?

 

[Iam]

Hey thanks Clair! I checked out the site and will email them. Seems like there are lots therapeutic ranches for special needs kids which is so cool! I met a gal a couple of years ago that runs one north of here. Still have her number and was thinking last night I should contact her.

I was just talking with a couple of gals last night. One has a 500 acre ranch close by. She was interested, don't really think much could happen with it, but you never know. Another is just starting nursing school, wants to be a psych nurse and would be really interested in helping with this. Lots of interest out there so it's worth exploring.

 

[ClairBear226]

Let me know what you find out. I have a friend that is interested in this too. He'd be so good in this l ine of work, and he's such a great guy. I'd love to see him do it.

 

[Iam]

Hi Clairbear, Sorry I didn't see your last post. Unfortunately what I found out is that my therapist doesn't feel I should do anything like this right now as it would be too triggering. He also reminded me that I quit work to have the time to work on myself without having addicitional stressors. He's right of course Gah!