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- #13
Had a really bad flashback last night. My husband and I were watching Pale Rider, an old western with Clint Eastwood. There was a scene where a very pretty 15 yr old girl was taking a ride and ended up in the group of men who gang raped her...well at least it was apparent they were. I left the room rapidly when I saw them surrounding her. I went into my bedroom and covered myself up with the comforter. My husband realized what was happening and came in to ask if I was ok. He tried to take the comforter off my head and stroke my hair and arm. I jumped everytime he touched me so asked him to leave. Poor guy, he was trying to help. I ended up getting my cigarettes and going outside. I put my laced hands behind my neck and my head between my forearms. I tried to us my mental container to put the scary thoughts and feeling in, but couldn't do it. So I just kept reminding myself that I am safe now, that was then, this is now, I won't let anybody hurt me. Try to sooth that poor girl inside. When I looked up my husband was standing at the french doors in our bedroom watching me. I tried to go inside but he was standing in my way saying he was concerned and was that ok. God...I don't want to make him concerned. I try my best to hide this stuff from him and everybody else! Oh but it was awful.
I think that is what I hate most about therapy. Before therapy, I would have intrusive thoughts and some mild emotional flashbacks. The flashbacks are getting worse and I am triggered so much easier now. It's been a year + of therapy, now starting EMDR...how much longer is it going to be like this? I know I have to do it. The EMDR specialist said we are going to have to take it very slowly.....GAH, I've been doing this slowly for a year now! On the positive side...my regular T and I have accomplished a lot. This is just the next "phase" of therapy so to speak. I need to remember that. I also need to remember how lucky I am that I don't have to work right now, although the new year is coming up and I will have to start working again soon....
I think that is what I hate most about therapy. Before therapy, I would have intrusive thoughts and some mild emotional flashbacks. The flashbacks are getting worse and I am triggered so much easier now. It's been a year + of therapy, now starting EMDR...how much longer is it going to be like this? I know I have to do it. The EMDR specialist said we are going to have to take it very slowly.....GAH, I've been doing this slowly for a year now! On the positive side...my regular T and I have accomplished a lot. This is just the next "phase" of therapy so to speak. I need to remember that. I also need to remember how lucky I am that I don't have to work right now, although the new year is coming up and I will have to start working again soon....
