Hard to talk to family

[Sheila123]

I think the hardest part is facing family. They keep asking questions like “why did you dress that way?”, “why didn’t you tell someone right away?”, “do you think you secretly wanted it?”, and “aren’t you being a little dramatic?”. Or statements like “you probably confused the poor guy”, and “it’s been over 20 years, you need to get over it”. I start feeling like it was all my fault, and they’re more willing to come to his defense than try to understand what I’m going through. The more I talk with them the more I feel like I’m on trial, and I don’t feel safe opening up. Part of me wants them to understand, another part says I need to cut them out of my life. I wish they would come to therapy with me, or actually see the effects their words have on me. I just don’t know how to communicate with them anymore.

 

[Dave Ryan]

My relationship with my sister steadily deteriorated to the point where we now have as little to do with each other as possible, and it all stems from her inability to understand what I went through and how her actions at the time made it worse. I realise your situation is significantly different from mine, and I'm certainly not suggesting you cut them out of your life. It's just that, like me, you may have to accept that they don't get it, probably never will, and unfortunately you're unlikely to ever get the support you need from that direction.

 

[Sideways]

They keep asking questions like

It’s totally okay to not answer questions!

There’s ways of doing that respectfully, for example “I appreciate that you want to understand but conversations about this aren’t helpful for me / are distressing for me / it’s not the right time…” etc.

The more I talk with them the more I feel like I’m on trial, and I don’t feel safe opening up.

Yep.

My family think they want to understand. Lots of people I meet do. Genuinely, they approach the conversation wanting to be open-minded and supportive.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have such powerful beliefs and misconceptions that no matter how open-minded they want to be, they still aren’t. It’s more of an aspiration than an objective reality.

Part of me wants them to understand, another part says I need to cut them out of my life.

For me, radical acceptance transformed my relationship with my immediate family.

They don’t get it.
They can’t understand.
They won’t ever.

Does that suck? Yes.
Do I wish it were different? Absolutely.

But no amount of wanting them to be different will make it so. Just like no amount of them wanting to be helpful or supportive will change their belief system.

They may change, they may not. One of the huge benefits I’ve found in having a trauma therapist is that I have someone with years and years of training in how to say the right thing, how to be supportive, how to be compassionate. And they are pretty much the only person I’ll open up to about the really hard stuff - the stuff where it matters a lot what kind of response I get.

Fwiw, I think that probably that’s the experience most people have, and that the genuinely and successfully supportive family may, in fact be the minority!

 

[arfie]

did you know that psychology professionals are heavily trained to resist attempting to therapute family members, lovers, friends and casual associates? psychoanalysis and the like requires a level of detachment that is downright unhealthy in a personal relationship.

in my own recovery, i use boundaries to solve the dilemma of family members, etc., meddling in my recovery. i don't believe i owe them an explanation. "stop." is a complete sentence. for the more respectful of them, i might add, "please let me trust my therapy network." how much detail i add after that depends entirely on how respectfully the receive my first two sentences.

side note
ptsd is one of those phenomena which cannot be understood without personal experience by which to understand it. i kinda hope my loved ones never have the experience by which to understand my struggle.

 

[Friday]

They keep asking questions like “why did you dress that way?”, “why didn’t you tell someone right away?”, “do you think you secretly wanted it?”, and “aren’t you being a little dramatic?”. Or statements like “you probably confused the poor guy”, and “it’s been over 20 years, you need to get over it”.

So… DEEPLY UNFORTUNATELY… that’s a human self-defense-mechanism. It has a name (that I completely forget in this moment) that equates to:

If ***I*** slip, it’s because it was icy. Anyone would slip.
If YOU slip, it’s because you are being careless, clumsy, not paying attention, etc.

The mechanism assigns problem+solutuion.

So even though no parent on the PLANET is with their child 24/7/365? If the news reports that a toddler fell out of a window, the overwhelming majority of people think “Where were the parents? Why didn’t they ABC, XYZ, 123?!?” Meanwhile, if the news reports a child dies on a house fire because the windows were barred & welded shut? So THEIR kid wouldn’t wake up early from their nap and break the glass to fall to their death?”What the f*ck is wrong with THOSE parents?!?”

It. Is. A. Neurological. HUMAN. Thing.

It looks for cause+effect. Touch a hot burner, get burned.

It serves the SPECIES really well? But it also creates subtleties, complexities, and depth of experience issues… for the individual. Which is part of why sooooooooo many cultures revere elders. Who have LIVED through all the terrible, hapless, chance of it all. Miscarriages, rapes, accidental deaths, pointless deaths, pain, fury, helplessness, etc. And have a more balanced view (on the whole) than youth & exuberance do. Always the case? Pfft. Of course not. A cohort effect of surviving to old age, USUALLY means perspective. But assholes get old, too. So it’s not universal.

Looking for ways to escape pain/heartbreak/terror? IS universal.

So there’s this stupid self-defense mechanism. That looks for ways to escape. Looks for cause to alter. That, unless you’ve EXPERIENCED OR LOVED someone who has experienced it? Will kick in. And even if you or someone you loved has experienced the whole life-thing? Will STILL look for ways to escape.

***

Go to your closet. Find a “rape suit”. IE something you could wear that magically makes rape right. For you AS a rapist. Do you own one? Why not? How about flip through a magazine and find a rape-suit that makes it perfectly okay/right/legal to rape any victim wearing it? Do you see one? Why not? … Because it’s a STUPID concept? (Yes). <<< It’s also something you can hit below the belt with, when people you love are being stupid. Find the toddler outfit AWESOME to rape toddlers. Seeeeeriously. You can use whatever people knee-jerk to, to CASTRATE them with. As they’ve just told you where their brain goes (what were you wearing, what did you blah blah blah) & then turn it on them. IF AND ONLY IF you want to inflict the pain that reality brings with it. Otherwise? It’s the pat on the head “I love you, even though you’re stupid” kind of pass, or, deciding to take on their stupid. Please. Do NOT take on their stupid. Pat stupid on the head. Don’t decide stupid is right. Stupid is a self defense mechanism. Nothing more. You’ve lived through too much to take stupid to heart.