Has A Supporter Ever Regained Your Trust Once You'd Decided It Was Gone?

[Al_Lurker]

....You can only do what you can do, the rest it up to her. She has to look at the evidence and make the decision to try to risk again and let people be human.

Thank you. That is where things stand and all of you and all your opinions have helped me to be better prepared should she make the decision to take any risk with me again.

I also hope that anyone coming across this thread will be helped too as trust is a very basic part of any human interaction. The violation of trust is a root cause of PTSD for many. Through no fault of their own the inability of the sufferer to trust prevents them from having the life they wish for themselves and causes them to hurt others in ways that they never intend or wish to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Has A Supporter Ever Regained Your Trust Once You'd Decided It Was Gone? Yes.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. trust is a very basic part of any human interaction. The violation of trust is a root cause of PTSD for many. Through no fault of their own the inability of the sufferer to trust prevents them from having the life they wish for themselves and causes them to hurt others in ways that they never intend or wish to do.

Wow @Al_Lurker , I think you've summarized a mountain of truth there.

I was thinking of something. I totally respect what @Justmehere means, but the difference I find personally is that after a tremendous amount of exposure to triggers, it's not those kind of triggers that I find difficult to let go of. As soon as I recognize 'why' (eg the black shirt analogy), they are no longer much of an issue. Versus whereas 'trust' seems to be a cognitive analysis or decision.

But, what if you just said it, and so did justmehere- that trusting is itself a trigger? In a 'normal' way, yes, it is a risk of course. Most of us have had terrible betrayals. But perhaps in a ptsd-way (potentially) doing so could actually be a trigger itself. The feeling of trust may be intimately intertwined in the trauma itself, at least initially, before the trust was betrayed. Emotional flashbacks are notorious for starting a cascade of the same sort of feelings. Why should trust be any different? And it would explain (if it applies for the person) why trusting is like exposure therapy ( :( !), and not-trusting is actually not only safer but also anxiety reducing.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

In short...Yes.

 

[Justmehere]

@Junebug - yeah, I have experienced what you said so well.

 

[Al_Lurker]

I never thought of it in that context @Junebug but you're right, betrayal of any sort no matter how small by someone trusted could well be a trigger. I'm not sure how you'd even go about processing something like that.

 

[Tinyflame]

I imagine as (a sufferer) would process any other trigger: to recognize it, acknowledge it, and work on overcoming it.

As @keifer said, any relationship always takes two.

To be honest @Al_Lurker , oftentimes it ends with the sufferer (or sufferer's behaviour) being despised. Rightfully so. :(

 

[Al_Lurker]

I could never despise you for behavior that is not your fault....

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Al. :( :hug: I guess to another though it will always appear that way.

 

[Al_Lurker]

Unless I'm totally missing what PTSD is about it's not the sufferers fault. Ever.

I admit that I'm frustrated she won't try to seek treatment but the fear that keeps her from it is not if her own making.

 

[Echo]

I would hope the last thing one should do is despise someone who has been so badly betrayed by a loved one that they have developed PTSD or CPTSD. If someone loves a survivor sufficiently to engage with their problems with due care and compassion, they will understand that this is a natural consequence of child abuse, particularly when it is perpetrated by a family member, or rape, when it is inflicted on a survivor by someone close.

I'm surprised that you would think it justified, @Junebug, to despise a survivor, but perhaps I am missing your point. Your comments have hit me hard, so forgive me if I misunderstand. That is, however, not to say that survivors will likely need to work on these issues if they are to have good, solid relationships subsequently. Nonetheless, some betrayals are agonisingly hurtful and may never be healed.

I would never blame anyone if they struggle with this. I would just hope that a subsequent loved one would have the fellow feeling to realise this and understand the patience they are probably going to need if they wish to become close to someone who has been through this sort of thing.

There is so much anger, even on this forum, towards people who have suffered more than anyone should ever have to suffer. Yes, in an ideal world, every sufferer should be able to warn potential suitors of this fact and should have the courage to face all of these demons before entering into an intimate relationship, but, hey, sometimes love comes knocking just when you expect it least; you, as a sufferer may be so overwhelmed with the condition that thinking straight on all occasions is just not possible; and trauma just does happen to take many years of hard work to process.

My trauma is vile enough, but what some of the people on this forum have to face is frankly unconscionable, and again, I could not blame them if it ends up being beyond their capabilities. @Al_Lurker does not strike me, at all, as being someone who despises his beloved ex-partner. I am really sorry if you feel @Junebug that you are having to deal with people who despise you. They are well beneath you, if that is the case.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Echo I am sorry if you took offence. I was not saying it's right that anyone should despise anyone, nor that sufferers do not have cause to react as they do, nor am I questioning Al's feelings, which he has stated clearly.

What I mean is that sure- in an ideal world we all understand each other a bit, have compassion, and move forward. Unfortunately, this is not my experience with others. What I meant however is that if others take it personally, or have simply had enough, does blame lay there? I don't think so. Not really.