Has Anyone Ever Gotten An Apology, A Real One, For The Things Done To You? Did It Even Matter?

[piratelady]

I am glad this thread was posted. I think the comments here have helped me learn why I am so upset that my brother never apologized to me and why I don't need one from my ex. I think I better understand my feelings now. Thanks for posting this thread :).

 

[Candleflames]

Moving on to me is about letting go of that need to be validated by them or to get an apology. If I waited for that I would be stuck forever.

Thanks Lizio for your understanding. I'd like to have that strength and confidence. I don't know how long it will take me to get there but I will. That people here have the strength to move one helps me believe it is possible for me as well. At least for a while until my insecurities take over but then that hope comes back. I really struggle at times with questioning if what I went through counts as real trauma.

It isn't just the validation that I want. I kinda want to rub their noses in their admission. I imagine a little "in your face" dance with a couple of extended middle finger. Sheesh, again with the anger. At the same time I love that some people did get an apology and were able to work that into their healing process. I think that also takes a lot of strength. Just strength in a different way.

Piratelady, you totally just made me cry! The happy kind so it's good. I'm glad I posted this as well. It's gotten more response than I anticipated and has helped me sort through my feelings as well. I was able to take what we have been going over here to have a very productive therapy session a few days ago. From this and your earlier contribution I got the impression that we are in similar stages of what we want from our abusers. At least in regards to an apology.

I'm so glad that someone else is benefiting from this discussion too. I hope more people will as well.

Thank you to everyone for your input. You all have had a positive effect on more than just me.

 

[Loner]

I did, from my father when I was 18, before he died. My husband and I had went to visit him around Christmas time that year and my husband wanted to take a picture of the two of us together. My dad sat at one end of the couch and I, at the other end. My husband told us to move closer, to act as though we hadn't seen each other in many years (which we truly hadn't). He moved closer to me, because I was not going to move closer to him. It was in the house in which he raped me and I could see the bed and it was triggering me majorly. He put his arms around my shoulder and then broke down and hugged me, he kept whispering to me, "I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry." I didn't believe him. It didn't help at all. If he was truly sorry he would not have done the things he did to me to begin with.

That sounds like a weird situation, and kind of forced. how did you respond?

I also want to challenge your assertion that he can't be sorry for his actions or else he wouldnt of done them. I like to think of myself as a pretty good person, and I am sorry for some of my actions. For example, due to a crazy mother, and really an entire crazy family, I freak out at social interaction, but freak out especially at girls, and especially girls who seem to like me. I've acted really weird with girls, I've seemed flirtatious in my moments of courage then got overwhelmed with anxiety when girls actually seemed interested, then acted all weird disinterested and I probably came off as a complete dick for leading girls on then rejecting them and acting like I'm not interested in them. This is harmless stuff really, but I can tell I have confused frustrated and hurt girls with this behavior, and I am sorry for that. If I could of done something different at the time I would of.

I think people who abuse are sick. Some hate themselves for it, some can feel sorry but are unable to change their behavior. The recognition of their regret is not a acceptance of their behavior.

It sounds like your father wanted something with his apology though, like to feel better before his death. It doesn't sound like what he wanted was to make you feel better. My father let my brother torment me, sometimes he would apologize at 'not being able to stop him' which always confused me until years later when I realized he apologized when HE felt lonely and wanted to feel a connection to me, even his apologies were just and attempt to use me to make him feel better.

 

[Mallaky]

I never did and never will get one, the opposite is mostly true. People told me to not be such a wuss, to be gratefull even. Most of the people are dead now, the ones who are alive cling to the believ of me being an ungrateful *censored*. Its difficult.