Has Anyone Ever Gotten An Apology, A Real One, For The Things Done To You? Did It Even Matter?

[Candleflames]

I still have minimal contact with my father. Every now and again he seams to be eaten up with guilt for how horrible a parent he was. He's never actually said the words "I'm sorry" but hints at how much I deserve to hate him. The conversation yesterday took on even darker turn. It sounded like he was planning how to spend his remaining time. The hint was that making amends with me was what would make things complete.

So I am wondering if anyone else has been confronted with the genuine remorse of someone that hurt you so much. I'm not convinced of my dad's feeling being true. Yet I am wondering what if. Would it matter? Do I care? Would it be to little to late? Is it even possible? I'd appreciate if anyone else has a story to share. I think it might help me make sense of my own confusing emotions.

Thanks in advance.

 

[JustBe]

Yes, and YES! It has made all the difference. Good Luck.

 

[snappy_turtle]

I've contemplated this same question time and time again, and spoken with my therapist about it as well. The only conclusion I have been able to draw was that it wouldn't matter because even if they were being genuine about their apology you have no way of knowing and it's not going to cause any sort of resolve for you with regards to your trauma. You'll instead be wondering if they actually DID mean it when they apologized and then even if you accept their apology as genuine, you'll wonder what the motive behind it was, etc etc. It never comes to any sort of resolution, to be quite honest.

These sorts of traumas give you a sense of questioning of trust in others, and unless you're well through with PTSD and have all the appropriate coping mechanisms in place, and have logical thinking, it's best not to even think about it because it won't really matter. The validity of the apology or lackthereof is just another angle of looking at/dwelling on your trauma and PTSD, when instead you're not dealing with the trauma itself. If you deal with the trauma directly, all the other angles will no longer matter....

At least that's what I was told, and the conclusion I formed about it all. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to approach the jerk who did this to me and ask him why he did it. In the end, it doesn't matter why because nothing will make what he did acceptable. It just is.

 

[rightkindofme]

I haven't and I think it would make a big difference.

 

[Frida]

I think the people who abused me are mentally incapable of understanding that they even abused me. So for them to apologies for something they still don't understand as being wrong, I'll never get it from them. I have to figure out how to forgive them and let it go and deal with the aftermath. They'll never get it.

Even if some light bulb went off in their brain and they decided to apologies I don't think it would matter to me because the enormity of the aftermath they could never understand. And I'm still the one left to deal with it not them.

 

[Marie10]

I did get a phone call by someone who hurt me. It was when I was abused by him and his friend. He had my number since we were acquaintances before the incident. He called and although left out the real name of what happened, he said that he was very sorry for hurting me. He said that he was taking a lot of substances within a few days and he remembered me and hurting me. He said he was deeply sorry for harming me and seemed sincere. He said he is no longer drinking or anything and that he no longer speaks with the other person.

I was going to say a lot to him but as crazy as it sounds and knowing him a little before the incident, he seemed sincere. I just wanted to get off the phone.

The result was that yes, it did feel good. No, he did not state the crime nor specifically apologize for it but hearing an apology for his behavior seemed enough at the time. It did help me heal somewhat since he acknowledged something happened.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think all apologies come in the exact form of "I'm sorry". I know mine didn't. (Really the sentiment was there with actions to back it up so it would have been pointless to nitpick over the exact words.)

But to answer your question, yes and yes.

 

[MMarie]

I've never had an apology given to me. I think the hardest part is because my abuser was my husband while he was highly intoxicated and he doesn't even remember any of the traumatic events. I cant talk about it and we don't bring it up. still feel like he thinks I made it all up. he still believes I did it all to myself so even if I would get an apology I know it would mean nothing so i'm kinda all alone on this one.

 

[piratelady]

I never realized how much I want an apology from my brother. He tormented me for years when we were growing up and I think it affected me deeply. He's changed since then and even wrote a very long apologetic letter to our step-father apologizing - me: Nothing. It came up in therapy this week and I nearly started crying over never having him acknowledge that he hurt me and saying something about it. I don't need the exact words, "I'm sorry" but something would be nice.

My ex husband who abused me is a different story. I neither expect nor want an apology from him, but I also know that he doesn't think anything he did to me was wrong.

I'm not entirely sure why I want an apology from one and not the other.

 

[WillyKat]

I do not expect one, ever. And I agree with some other posters. Many abusers are so out of touch with the wrongness of their acts that any kind of apology might be mere words that lack real meaning. They thrive on deceit, manipulation, and lies and any apology is more of the same.

I would accept an apology as *closure* however, if it included an acknowledgement that he did certain things and if I knew he went into therapy or turned himself in or made a concerted effort to find all those he hurt and admitted what he did. I don't think I could accept the apology as real remorse and I don't know if I could forgive or not.

I can tell you one thing: I would never forget and never show him my back.

 

[Queen Boudica]

No, they were incapable of any kind of remorse. I was blamed for their actions and made to feel guilty. I loved them and felt ashamed for them, they had no guilt and never will.

Makes no difference, any apology would be fake because they are incapable of realising the damage they caused because they have no real empathy or feelings. Some people just have no concscience and will blame everyone else and destroy them just to make themselves look good. What has helped is to realise that and move on. I don't want an apology I want to get as far away from them and get on with my life, an apology allows them some kind of emotional leverage and sympathy. They never had that for me.

 

[Candleflames]

Thank you everyone for your input. You have all echoed many of my thoughts and feelings on the subject. Your stories and reasons are helping me to see the different strands within the tangled ball of emotions. I see my doc tomorrow and I feel much more prepared to articulate myself and more sure of my feelings. I am still torn on where I actually fall.

I have always wanted a connection to my family. To be accepted and welcomed as a member like my sister was. I think that maybe why I want remorse and an apology, even if it's not actually an "I'm sorry," from my dad. I'd be less inclined to believe him if it follow and appropriate script. I'd like to think it would help me feel better. I wish I can say I'll never forget but the worst of it has been blocked out. So I don't know the extent of my abuse. I also don't necessarily think forgiveness is needed for closure.

My step-mother on the other hand needs not ever speak to me again. She is incapable of remorse and took great pleasure making sure I was ostracized from my family. She even continues her verbal digs when we do have to have contact. I would not want an apology from her.

Thank you again.