Hate Looking In Mirrors

[brokenbones]

All my life, I have hated looking in mirrors. When I do, I see a monster - that's how much shame fills me. I see a loser, someone who will just never measure up (even though I entirely 'measure up'!). It is because of experiencing severe abuse by my parents, including sexual abuse.

People have told me I'm 'hot' and 'very good looking'. Sometimes people assume I am full of myself because of my (so-called) good looks. I wish they knew I despise looking in the mirror, and have my whole life.

I wasn't 'mirrored' as a child by my parents, I think this might be part of the problem. When I look in the mirror at my face, I do not know how to interpret what I see. I see basically a human face, but I don't know why I can't interpret it. Severe neglect - not being paid attention to, or given any positive feedback - I think fed into this situation. I avoid mirrors at all cost, and anything reflective, like store or car windows while walking along the street.

Except, I want to get over this, so I've put a couple mirrors up in my house where I will have to see my reflection, even peripherally, once in a while. It's tough, and eats away at my insides. I look in the bathroom mirror, of course, every day to make sure I look presentable, but I avoid it while brushing my teeth and washing my hands. It's very much a do-what-is-necessary-to-look-decent-and-get-the-hell-out-of-there kind of thing. I don't understand how people can look in the mirror and not cringe, but just see themselves as a human being, normal, like everyone else. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[gms1976]

I know how you feel. I don't see the monster, but I see someone horrible inside and house. I see a whiner, a groaner, someone who can't deal with things or daily stress. I see weakness. I also see nothing but imperfections which are so crowded in that nothing remains of what could be a nice, pretty face. My therapist says that it is because of the way my parents treated me. They never showed affection or real love. We never wanted for physical thing. Life was cold and I had a father who also had PTSD and Bipolar (both undiagnosed) and would fly into rages if we touched certain important things - like his towel or lazy-boy chair. I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, shave my legs like the other girls when I was older. It was like they were trying to keep me ugly. There were never any compliments or encouragement, only criticism and disappointment. You did what you were told and were not allowed to argue.

I was chubby and at the age of six my father made my brother and I go to get weighed at a physician's office every wednesday because he said we were fat. He would make us exercise on the floor in front of his chair while he watched us. He would say "show me your donut" which generally meant lifting our t-shirts and cupping all our belly fat so it looked like a weird donut around our belly buttons.

There was never any love, hugs or acceptance. While we never needed for anything, we lived in a cold, emotionally neglectful environment with the ultimate toxic critic who was 6ft 3 in. tall. To a young girl, that's a giant. I'm trying to see myself in a better light, but I'm struggling. I too look in the mirror and see something ugly and worthless. I wish I had a magic pill or answer, but I can say you're not alone. My husband and friends see value in me, so I hold on to that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a hard time looking in the mirror. I do not like seeing my reflection. I look but it is painful. I am gaining weight since I quit smoking. I do not like to see that. I do not like my expressions. I have apained expression on my face.

I have to wash my face, and brush my hair and brush my teeth. It is very hard, I do not like it. I have been told that I am pretty, but I do not feel pretty. I think I look horrible to myself. I am getting older and I have an older face. I hate the pained expression I see when I look off guard. you are not alone.

 

[gms1976]

You hit the nail on the head, Giz. I have that problem too - I look and feel old and achy all the time. Almost like my body's 20 years older than it really is. I heard that it's from extreme internal stress with PTSD. Ugh, I just wish the person in the mirror didn't look 10 years older than I am. Just want to be pretty.

 

[Philippa]

I'm a lot like you brokenbones, in that people tend to assume I am "up myself" because I am considered hot and good looking. I also had people think I was rude and full of myself for not speaking a lot growing up, when really I just like being quiet, and find small talk unpleasant.

I'm a little different in that I tend to avoid looking in mirrors, but not because I see a monster, because I have a fear of becoming narcissistic if I do. It can be addictive, looking in the mirror, and I wanted to focus on cultivating inner qualities that I find attractive so I can be beautiful inside as well as out.

I don't wear make-up and I used to let my leg hairs grow, but not because I think I'm ugly...though I do sometimes feel that way. I think that wearing crap on my face and shaving my leg hairs to please other people, men especially, to be a totally warped idea of what beauty is in society.

The idea that "taking care of herself" means wearing make up, and if you don't, then it implies that you don't take care of yourself...when really, not wearing make up is better for your skin and therefore taking care of yourself much better by NOT wearing it...is just really bizarre to me.

I used to leave my leg hairs not because I wanted to be a man, or because I was bisexual...even though I am...but because it was my way of saying that men and women are all monkeys deep down and body hair is a reminder of that!:D

I epilady my legs now, and sometimes wear make up but I don't believe that not doing these things makes a person "ugly". If you can't leave your own house without "putting on your face" then you aren't very free...that's all I can say.

Self-image issues can be explored with your therapist, and doing mirror exercises, where you stand and look at yourself, even if it is hard to do...and say nice things to yourself like how much you love the shape of your eyes or legs, and how you love the way your hair looks when the sun shines on it, or things like that, and focus on what you DO like tends to have a very positive effect on the way you see yourself...but you have to keep doing it. Once isn't enough, and once is challenging enough if you have trouble seeing yourself as anything but ugly...but you CAN do it, and you WILL improve. It just takes practise.

Don't believe me...try a 30 day mirror challenge. I dare you.

 

[woundedsoul]

Yes, I have gained a lot of weight since Oct. of last year, but I still had clothes from after pregnancy days, so I wear those now.

I hate to admit this, but I got so upset last week after having a terrible PTSD day and being exhausted to the point of no return, my son started arguing with others right under my bedroom and woke me at 10:30 pm and I got so angry I yelled and then I slammed my door and the floor length mirror on the latches on it broke and it fell down, in one piece thank goodness. But I was actually happy about it the next day because now I don't have to look in the mirror and be horrified about my size, esp., my belly.

I am much much happier not looking, while dilgently trying not to stop emotional eatinging because it had been my only pleasure for several years.

So, I understand not wanting to look in the mirror too, I already feel bad enough, no reason to add to my misery.

 

[brokenbones]

Wow, so much has been said here. I think my not liking looking in the mirror probably does stem from only negative feedback growing up, and beyond that, neglect. When I look in the mirror, into my eyes, god there is so much pain. I get nervous when I leave my house, that others can see it, because it is so raw. The pain in my eyes feels like rage that is so thick, so impenetrable... I think this pain has to do with feeling like a failure for never leaving the bad situation as a child. I think I feel, deep down, that I let myself down by not running away. That by not running away as a child, I acceded to the abuse. What a horrible thing to think, but there it is. By 5 years old, I knew I was screwed, and since that moment wanted to run away, but felt I couldn't. I lived in the country, so was socially isolated. I think this feeling of culpability and self-blame is a large reason why looking in the mirror is so hard. I can't meet my eyes, because I feel I failed myself.

I have spent the majority of my adult life cultivating my inner beauty. I think this has made me beautiful, as a consequence, on the outside, too.

 

[Belle]

I just see a face that I don't like with so many faults. I wish it was clay and I could remould it.
I hate people lying and saying I look good because I don't.
I was told I was plain and ugly as a child and then suddenly told I was attractive by a hideous man. So who do you trust? I would prefer no-one ever mentioned looks because it is all chance anyway.

 

[Jen93]

I hate looking in the mirror. I look the same way I did like 6 years ago, just a little taller maybe- it's almost triggering especially after getting a shower (really triggering).

 

[TLight]

Yup. I'm 47 now and lost all those years when I was hot. People say I still am, and I'm believing them a bit now, but I lost all that. I lost it on top of all the other things I lost. Injustice.

I used to look in the mirror at 20-40 and obsessively cut my hair, etc. All I could see was my mother....arghh........I could not look in the mirror without huge pain and getting lost, like I was trying to find someone in there and she wasn't there. It was horrifying.

Anytime someone would say, "you are so cute" 'beautiful'.......I wanted to absolutely rip their throats out. I couldn't stand it. Facing getting hit on by men every day made me feel trapped and terrified.

I eventually broke down completely.

 

[Philippa]

I think I used anger and not smiling as a way of detering men from coming near me...and it worked really well. I hardly ever get hit on, but I am what many men would consider their "dream girl"...like a fantasy. I tend to only smile when no one is around...when I'm on my own I will smile into the mirror, because I know that smiling makes ME feel happy and I want to be doing it for the right reasons...not to be pleasing men I don't even know.

Women I know who are obese and ugly looking do much "better" than I do when it comes to men. Men hang off them, because they are putting it out there that they want to have as much sex as possible, so of course the guys like that. I do wonder whether they really want to be promiscuous, or if it's more to do with self-esteem issues?

I have noticed lately that my hairdo reminds me a lot of my mother, and i look more like her every day, which isn't too pleasant for me. I also seem to have the haircut I loathed when I was a child, though I didn't set out to give it to myself I don't think?

I never wanted that haircut, but mum went behind my back and asked the hairdresser to give me a lady diana hairdo! It took me years to grow it out...all those layered flick things. I HATED it with a consuming passion.
Now...it actually suits me, if I'm honest, but I still find it strange that I would get this hairdo, 30 years later??

 

[The Albatross]

I was never "hot"... at best I was considered a "handsome" woman. Though I never had a problem attracting or keeping a man. Part of my father's abuse was negative comments about my face, body or appearance. I overcame it for a time, but had a second round of mirror avoidance that lasted much much longer when I was bit in the face by my ex husband's families german shepherd and I became scarred. As the scar faded, began breaking up my face when facing a mirror... avoiding seeing the whole thing. Or my whole body. I narrowed it down enough to get the job done.

Eye lids, lips, check collar, check or smoothe out the dress, make sure a shirt was tucked in or a belt was belted properly in (no missed loops). I tend to still be that way... though from time to time I am able to see the whole thing. It is only for a second or two, but I try during those times to really see myself.

I am glad for the topc because I expect I have some improvement to be made in this area. The biggest aversion isn't the scar anymore. It's my eyes... I am uncomfortable looking into my own eyes.