Hate Looking In Mirrors

[Weapon]

I know how you feel...I avoid all mirrors like they were the plague. I'm not sure where my avoidance comes from but all I see is a worthless shell of a person I never knew.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Aaaahhhhh Weopon, I wish you were not so hard on yourself. I am so sad that you feel this way. I hope better days are ahead for you. Wishing you the very best.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

It's my eyes... I am uncomfortable looking into my own eyes.

I see more in my own eyes than anyone else can see. Even in a photo, I can see it - the history and suffering. I have weight issues too, I have issues with my looks, my cloths, my posture. I don't know how to 'look' pretty and hate anyone who says I am! I can't take a compliment of my physical appearance.

I got married last year and my weight was at its worst, I was very unwell with anxiety and depression, but did it anyway. Not one person said I looked pretty on my wedding day. I can't even look at the photos or hang a picture from my wedding. I hate that I can see what I looked like, I can hear the past abuse about my weight and looks, and I see and know the pain through my eyes.

When I joined this forum, the first question I asked was how to counteract the weight gain of my medication. Although I didn't get an answer, and the medication has taken a toll on my physical confidence, I am glad I stuck it out here.

Sorry, a bit depressing of me, and probably shouldn't have shared it...oh well, I shared that's a start.

early AM, should try to get some sleep.

 

[AsheWoman]

Feeling bad is bad enough without having to feel bad about feeling bad. Now, if you could follow that sentence you should feel good about having a serious brain in your head. :) There's so much to feel crappy about after being traumatized that I wanted you to hear my voice thru these typed words. I wanted you to know that in spite of how you feel about how you look, you are a wonderful person who doesn't deserve to feel bad-- about yourself, the way you look, or the results of what happened. You are beautiful and I don't have to be able to see you to say that. They aren't hollow words.

For many years after the assault that lead to my PTSD, I felt ugly. The really hard thing to wrap my mind around was I was anything but ugly. I don't know by what standard you are currently judging yourself, but if you are at all like me, its a really harsh and unkind standard. And that is a symptom of trauma not a truth.

Someone just promised to spend the rest of their life with you by marrying you. That person obviously sees beauty in you even if he was too nervous or distracted by the days events to say it out loud directly to you. He must feel it because that's a serious promise he made.

There are so many more important things that outer beauty-- brains, spunk, determination, kindness, genuineness-- just to name a few. In many ways I am glad that I don't turn heads anymore at my age. Because I can't help but wonder if that isn't part of what "attracted" the attack. No one looks at me twice anymore and it is a relief. I felt being eye-catching was a curse. That's all a result of my symptoms as well, but I've been able to make peace with it.

On a side note: My assault included a head injury which makes it impossible for me to recognize people, even if I know them well. And if I didn't know that HAD to be me in the mirror, I'd never be able to tell. It's like I have a weird evil cousin or something looking back at me. I'm vaguely aware that it looks sort of like me, but I can't be sure. Doesn't surprise me in the bathroom mirror, but its kind of odd to wave at an unexpected reflection and think that person is waving back simultaneously. Looks pretty funny to other people too. But I'm rambling now so I'll shut up. Ashewoman signing off.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

I don't take a compliment very well, but I am woman enough to thank you for your kind words. Thank you Ash.

I see myself as we see the Mona Lisa - she is smiling but is she really happy? I see my husband and his smile and pride and then I compare myself and feel disappointed with what is beneath the smile, what is behind the eyes.

In many ways I am glad that I don't turn heads anymore at my age. Because I can't help but wonder if that isn't part of what "attracted" the attack. No one looks at me twice anymore and it is a relief.

I understand what you are saying. At first I was ok with a little weight as I thought people would leave me alone. I get that. I also didn't feel pretty so what is the point, I would focus on smarts instead so that I could escape abusive environments - but abuse targets that as well.

In my adult years, I forced one purp to answer me as to why he terrorised me. The answer was unexpected. He said 'everyone kept saying you were a pretty child, so I had to teach you a lesson'. It is hard when others don't see me, they see a delusion they have created in their own heads.

Sorry again for bringing the mood down, I probably shouldn't be posting at the moment. My negative self talk has been rampant lately.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Hugs))) I am sorry you are talking so negative to yourself. I wish there was a way to help you not to do that. You are a person of worth and have been supportive and kind to me. I appreciate this about you.

Once you stop beating yourself up, you will feel so much better about yourself and your healing will speed up. It happened for me, so I will believe for you when you cannot. Big hugs.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

Thank you for believing in me Gizmo. :cry: it means the world to me.

 

[Spiderallis]

Right after my abusive ex moved out, I covered all the mirrors in my house with bedsheets. I played it off as not wanting to see the physical effects of the stress, I'd lost so much weight that my ribs were visible and my skin wasn't the right color. I'd only take a quick peek at my reflection before I left the house, just to be sure I wouldn't frighten the clerks at the store. It was winter, so I could hide under bulky, baggy clothes.

Like a few people have mentioned, folks don't tend to believe that attractive people can have such a hard time with mirrors. Some of my problem was fueled by my ex's preference for internet porn instead of me. I came up with a way to face that, it sounds kind of crazy. Remember the scene in Silence of the Lambs when the nasty guy is putting on his lipstick in the mirror to the tune of 'Goodbye Horses'? The dialogue isn't PG at all, but I re-enacted that in the mirror a couple times a day for weeks with my tube of chapstick. Honestly, I thought of the re-do of that scene from Clerks 2, I loved the Jay and Silent Bob version. It worked quite well.

 

[Springer80]

I used to look in mirrors to see if I could see where I'd gone. I'd draw round my face with kohl pencil, maybe some features like eyes and nose and then press paper onto it and take a print off the mirror. I wrote in my diary the day I first looked in a mirror and not only saw but correspondingly felt something feminine without feeling rejection. I was 29. Like alot of you have said I shunned anything beautiful/attractive in behaviour because I had ptsd and was scared of attention. People didn't understand it. I still have a funny relationship with scrutiny.,whether it's mirrors or cameras or facebook etc.

 

[Deleted member 16543]

My "Mother" the person who birthed me is a better description, no love loss there. She was physically abusive and verbally abusive when I was a kid. Although she is not the source of my PTSD, I have ALWAYS hated looking in the mirror and my laugh, because I look like her and laugh like her.

I get a lot of attention because of my looks and I hate it. I hate how people tell me I look like her and how lucky I am to be blessed to look like I do. I look in the mirror and see her, no matter what I do with my hair or the make-up I wear, I still look and sound just like her.

She was a shitty Mother if you can call her that to say the least and it still bothers me and I am 44, I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone to look like their abuser and have to see themselves daily. Maybe it's because when I look at her I see a fake ugly person, not a beautiful one, and I feel like if I look like her and she's fake and ugly, then I must be ugly and fake.

It actually makes me uncomfortable when people tell me how beautiful I am, it makes my mind automatically flash to her.

 

[Red Feather]

I often get surprised at myself when I look at a mirror. It's like I can't even recognize myself, that the person is me.

 

[Shan]

I grew up with no mirrors except the small one above the bathroom sink! I asked Cruella (the one and only parent) Why don't we have mirrors in our Apt. that are full length like at all my friends homes???? "Because I HATE looking in the mirror!!!" "I hate mirrors"!!! She screams and yells at me!!...So raging and volatile!

The first time I ever saw my full length (meaning legs) image was when I was with a friend ...maybe 7th grade we were visiting her grandmother...I noticed at the end of a hallway there was a full length mirror!!! OMG!!! What is this I see???? SO that is what I look like full length! Those are the muscles in my legs! Eureka! I asked her sheepishly if I could have a mirror (full length) in my bedroom....with a lot of reluctance I finally got one on the BACK of my bedroom door so that she would never have to see herself!

I also get infuriated when someone (men) with ulterior motives goes on and on about "oh your gorgeous...beautiful...blah blah blah"...it is a CURSE!!!! Like they assume you have had a life of privilege and coddling and nurturing etc!!!

People think you are as dumb as a bag of rocks and my mother HATED the attention and popularity not to mention I looked just like my dad that left as soon as I was born...Her plan was FOILED! I paid for it daily for the rest of my life....for surviving the birth and ruining her life!

AND people say you are way to hard on yourself!! I wonder why...it has been ingrained in my brain since birth!