Hate Looking In Mirrors

[Britt.f7]

When I was a kid, other kids told me I was ugly. Could have been the bad haircuts my mom kept giving me.

When I was a teenager and ended up in a psyche hospital. They had me write down all the things I like about myself. I broke down features of my face. Then on the dislike side, I said all of them together.

From the time I was a teenager, until I started putting on weight, I was told I was pretty. Didn't really believe it and I never really like pictures taken...avoided it at any cost.

Now that I'm older and heavier, I still do not like pictures and I absolutely hate the woman I see reflected in the mirror. Sometimes it disgusts me. My face has gotten so fat.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Since I have been dying and cutting my hair I have had some success looking in the mirror. It is not so bad. I am getting older and each day is as good as it gets. It is hard to see me getting older. The weight does not help. But I am having some success, I am glad.

 

[Shellbell]

I hate looking in mirrors if I am not down to a certain weight, toned and looking as good as I can.

At the moment, having medication that has caused me to put on weight, so I avoid mirrors altogether. I feel like a failure and I know that it is irrational that I am a size Aus 10 and feel disgusting, fat and gross, but it's how I feel.

The psychiatrist made a big deal about my self esteem and hating how I look issues. I'm aware that it is all trauma related.

 

[saffy]

Hi Brokenbones

Yes, I used to avoid mirrors and photos, anything like that. I had such a low opinion of myself, never new myself at all, they had stripped that of me, I had no identity, I was just a face.

I started to look at myself bit by bit, think about my different emotions and why I have them. Think whether I have the right to have these feelings and emotions and some how this makes me seem more human.

I still look in the mirror and think, 'oh you again', sometimes, but I try to tell myself that I am stronger than that really and I have come through some horrendous things and still done things I can be proud of. That makes me feel better about myself. I also tell myself I am no more or less important than anyone else, so if others can be happy with themselves then I should be able too.

I used to think self loathing was because I hated myself, I must be a horrible person because this happened to me. When I remind myself I was the victim in it all I start to loath the behaviour of my abusers instead.

Thinking of you
Saffy :)

 

[maddog]

I'm blind, and so literally can't look in mirrors. Sometimes this makes me sad, and scared, because I don't know what I'd see if I did, and live in endless terror of looking hideous and disgusting and not even knowing about it. But mostly I think it's probably a good thing. I know myself and my capacity for self hatred well enough to know that I would undoubtedly find a whole new world of self loathing and negative body image/self perception if I could add visual attributes to the list of things I hate about myself.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Maddog))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are a beautiful person. I wish you could see yourself through my perception of you and that you would be able to hang onto that. Great big cyber hugs.

 

[saffy]

I'm blind, and so literally can't look in mirrors.

Hi Maddog
wow, that is something I could never understand what it would be like.

You have so many good qualities than just looks alone and you have proved this on here over and over again, and we cannot see you either. :)

Reading through all these post I came to realise we can put too much emphasis to what we look like and not enough on who we are inside, which should be the important thing? yes.

Why is so much emphasis put on looks alone? is society that shallow? Just imaging if nobody had a face but we all had to go on their personality, morals, intellect mmmm, Well you get what I mean.

Gave me food for thought today :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

I grew up hearing that if I got fat like my mom know one would want me. I could have only heard that once, and my dad may have been drunk, but it stuck to me.

Now I am overweight. My husband still loves me, but I think he is crazy. I'm embarrassed that anyone (even strangers) see me this way. When I am at my dads, where everyone is normal weight(except his wife who is about 90 lbs), I do not eat. I feel disgusting and unlovable. I wish I could get pass this because I don't think that way of thinking is going to help me lose weight. I always marvel at women who can love themselves just the way they are.

 

[saffy]

My husband still loves me, but I think he is crazy

Britt.f7 isn't it reassuring that not all people have the same warped and judgemental minds as your parents :)

I bet for every pound you think you are over weight the important people in your life can say something positive of you :)

However, I totally understand and do take things personally all the time myself. I am learning to love myself though and not listen to them as much. (a little trick I also do : I really look at them and their flaws and think well you've got, say, massive ears now I come to think of it, I just don't need to go around putting people down)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Britt.f7]

Thank you Saffy! :)