General Have I Made Things Too Comfortable?

[Pale Warrior]

Hi folks,

This may sound cock-eyed, but I am beginning to think I may have made things too comfortable for my husband.

Our home is his place of safety and that will never change. With his physical impairments to consider I have had to ensure that the place is all accessable, no problem there. But he seems to have every thing he "needs" and has no incentive to go out, other than shopping trips, or face the world. He has his world all cosy, on line gaming witha great bunch of guys, he cooks and does house work, he reads and takes beautiful photographs in the garden.

He has had a couple of bad experiences in volunteer work, people say they will make allowances and then ask him to do more than he can - pain/stress/fail triggers - and abusive practices of demanding he work longer hours, bosses yelling at him & work place exclusion.

He retreats to our lovely home and hides away while I work, study and get out and about a couple of times a month with my chums. He will come out with me, if I ask, and while he gets stressed by new places as long as I am there to buffer he will join me.

I feel his world is closing in and there are issues of over reliance on me as his prop but feel so bad about challenging him as he is relatively happy for the first time in years with better sleep and reduced anger (except after driving).

:confused:

 

[intothelight]

Hi Pale Warrior,

The fact that he has found some peace and is able to rest is invaluable. Let him get stronger and then you may see some venturing out. I had to have a time of peace and healing before I really started to improve. Also, progress can move in fits and starts. Just as long as there is progress then things are improving.

Deb

 

[amethist]

Hi Pale Warrior

If he is better than he was and is still improving, no matter how slowly, then he is still going forward.

I sometimes make the mistake of thinking things could be better. Then I look back to how things were 6 months ago, and see that they are better.

If he is happier now than he was a few months back, then you are both doing well.

Take care and dont rush things too much. Keep moving forward at a nice steady pace, not a gallop.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Keep moving forward at a nice steady pace, not a gallop.

That's the thing, I don't think he is moving forward. I feel he is withdrawing from the world. He had a scare yesterday while out driving and came home ranting. One more reason to stay in.

I suppose it is progress of a sort, but at what price?

 

[amethist]

There will be slight set backs.

The 3 steps forward and 1 back will probably always happen. But it is the 2 forward that is important, not the 1 back.

My husband goes out for a few days, then stays in for a few more, but still going out now. It was only in January that this changed, before then it was safer to him to stay in too.

You just have to except that there will be times when he refuses to go out. Let him have those, then just smile when he goes again.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Pale Warrior

Having a comfortable, safe, home is such a huge advantage.

My H also tried voluntary work but it didn't work for reasons similar to your H.

He has his world all cosy, on line gaming witha great bunch of guys, he cooks and does house work, he reads and takes beautiful photographs in the garden.


I feel his world is closing in and there are issues of over reliance on me as his prop but feel so bad about challenging him as he is relatively happy for the first time in years with better sleep and reduced anger (except after driving). :confused:

It's great your H has things he's interested in and to me it doesn't really sound that his world is closing in, unless you are comparing to life before this dreaded PTSD. Life adjustments are a given with PTSD.

Progress for my H has been very slow. It's a huge effort for him to go out and he needs to rest/sleep after even the smallest trip to town.

Don't worry about progress, be patient, it will happen but don't expect too much at once. :) :tup:

((Pale Warrior))

 

[Tinyflame]

It's true that we need to push ourselves, but apart from fear one needs the strength or even energy or confidence to try to do that, too.
Small things can feel even like a marathon, sometimes.
But small accomplishments- and rest or symptom reduction is not small- are still complishments.
:tup:

 

[Pale Warrior]

Thank you all for the calming words, at least I know when I post here that we have all walked in each others moccasins. Not the kind, but ulimately useless, platitudes of the non PTSD world.

Yes, it's perhaps me and my drive to "progress". I am one of those people who will always have something on the boil and seeks out challenges. It was the 12th anniversary of the accident in december and I keep thinking "it's been 12 years and this is all we have managed".

unless you are comparing to life before this dreaded PTSD

A very salient point Ladyhope Somerset, and not too far from the mark. The difference in both our lives is so marked, and I know I am still grieving for the loss. Not every day, or even every week, just occasionally I get a memory of what was - and the potential it held - and feel the sadness flitt though me.

Thank you thank you thank you all for comfort without sentimentality and compassion without bounds.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope for a greater and new potential for you both
((((((Hugs)))))

 

[Pale Warrior]

Or just a lot more love, hugs, snuggles and long conversations about life the universe and everything over hot coffee and buns.

*Reality Check*

We have come so far, light years from the ball of pain they sent home in an ambulance 6 months after he left for work that day in December.

 

[Jibby]

Hi folks,

This may sound cock-eyed, but I am beginning to think I may have made things too comfortable for my husband.

It doesn't sound cock-eyed to me Pale. I've thought about this alot from the 'other side of the fence' so to speak.

In short, my wife has been a saint dealing with me for years. Probably worse for her in that any PTSD issues were completely unknown to her (I was in denial myself until only recently), so the detatching myself, emotional numbness, night rages, raging anger with the world had her thinking that I had just depression (which due to my own denial) was my diagnosis for so long.

She does pretty much everything, diy, taking bulk of responsibility of dealing with our kids, shopping, sorting all bills and house admin, allows me to sit on my arse, walks on eggshells. In every other area of her life she is assertive, successful in career (yeah she holds down a stressful job as well), determind, takes no prisoners.

That adds massively to my guilt, but do I do much about it? No, not really. It's the easy way out for me so though I constantly promise myself I need to get a grip and do more I just feel paralysed in doing so. Lazy or ill or both or whatever. So exacberates my head-mess on the guilt.

Now I am diagnosed, even now I don't talk to her about it and when she tries to probe I go in to the flight side of flight or fight, so just hmmm and yeah and change the subject as quickly as possible.

In my twisted thinking I think I am 'protecting' her from telling her how I feel because I don't want to add further stress with the gunge in my head. I can see the logic in how the opposite would be true (ie I open up 100% so she can worry less!!), but just can't do it. Or not yet anyway. It's only been 15-16 years since it started.

And to the point of my post, recently she again admitted to me how difficult it is for her in a calm rational way (my doing nothing, except the seeing mates, having a life of sitting on my arse when not at work) and it flipped me out inside. Then a few hours later she was gutted she had burdened me with her woes!! Rinse and repeat on my own guilt.

I do get suicidal ideation, but what stops me I think so far is what it would do to her and our 2 young children. But as soon as she tried to explain in a calm rational way how she was feeling the ideation starts to turn in to fixation in me thinking I would be doing her a favour. She will have no problem in finding another guy who can give her what she deserves etc etc. Twisted logic on my part maybe, she would be horrified if I actually had the guts to tell her how I felt and destroyed if I did anything silly.

She can't win either way. In her shoes I can honestly say I would have walked years ago.

So saying when she does everything I feel even more guilt which makes me worse, and when she expects or asks me to do more, open up that makes me feel worse is probably no help, but just wanted to give my take on the 'doing too much' side. Don't feel guilty about anything. Take pride you care, but you have to look after yourself before you are able to look after others.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Oh my gosh (self censors expletive) Jibby.

I needed that. Propperly needed an alternative perspecive. The guilt loop!

The more I do the worse it is for him, but if I do less then he falls by the wayside and the man I love drowns. Catch 22.

She will have no problem in finding another guy who can give her what she deserves etc etc.

My husband has told me this, way back. I had a male friend, nice bloke but never fancied him, and husband fixated on me wanting to have an affair and built a whole fantasy on my infidelity. Told me about it years later. I am deeply grateful he held back from saying anything at the time, I just saw him as depressed and withdrawn - comme d'habitude.

Although, un like your wife, I must admit to having been quite forceful over the years with respect to my expectations of him: failure in my eyes is not failure to succeed but failure to try. To the point where I have left him to "sort himself out". I realised if I did it all for him then he would never pick up the batton for himself. It was bloody hard, excruciating to see him suffer.

Perhaps we are approaching another impasse?

We need to talk about this.

And I think I need to offload some life luggage and start again from today. Easier said than done,