General Have I Made Things Too Comfortable?

[Jibby]

I think every relationship is different, as much as every individual is different, and to complicate it all what may work one day might not work a month later??

But through that; honesty (to self first) and love will work through. That doesn't mean (to me) you give give give indefinitely, there comes a point where you have to do the right thing for you after trying/giving as much as you can.

I am humbled by my wife's patience and unselfishness, and of others I've read since getting here. Like I said I know I couldn't do it even if wasn't ill. That goes for any partner who is a carer for any disability whether physical or mental. Sheesh, relationships are a journey of up and down as it is without adding carer/sick roles in to it.

My poison is my own, not hers to burden with but am beginning to realise that's worse for her in that I don't help anyone in the way I act or by not talking. It is catch 22 as you say; damned if you do, damned if you don't but will say I respond internally better when she reminds me that I'm a husband, dad, human being with responsibilities that every day life brings. Is it easy to wallow in the "I'm a victim" mindset?? It probably is. Even if doing so makes things worse in the immediate/short term for the 'victim'.

Underneath my coldness, detachment, apathy, laziness, anger is a human being that knows what needs doing to unburden those you care for and love unconditonally. It's just very very hard to open up, not get defensive and not wallow in the easy route of getting somebody else to do everything for you.

Sorry I have no magic advice (if only we all had magic wands!!), but just wanted you to know you're not alone I think.

I've never said any of this to my wife after years of masking it over. I might link her to this thread (she doesn't know I am here). She will be shocked/surprised in a good way I hope. Writing head fluff to strangers is a lot easier than telling those that really matter how you feel I think.

Hope it works out for you Pale.

 

[amethist]

Hi Jibby

All you have written above I understand fully, my husband could have written most of it, apart from the not telling me everything.

He does tell me how he feels, good or bad, but we had that before his accident and his PTSD diagnosis.

Sharing this with your wife could open a whole new door for you, a door full of understanding and more help and support you could ever think she could give you. Yes you may feel she does enough, and that this may just be that bit too much, but you just might be surprised.

My husband and I have an agreement, that if he ever feels suicidal again, he will come to me, call me, get me home what ever, before he does anymore than think about it. Why you may ask, well its because I was the one who has always talked him down in the past. I am his safe voice in times of deep crisis, I am the voice he knows will not let him down or see him go down the wrong path. I have had to be, because when the professional crisis help was asked for, it was either refused or not there.

This has happened a few times in the past 5 years, but thankfully not for the last 2 almost 3 years now.

Talk to her put your trust in her, tell her how much you do rely on her, and know you should do more, but do all this on a good day. Take her out somewhere quiet to talk, away from every day life, just the 2 of you if possible. Tell her you are telling all this, because you do trust her to get it right. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised at her reaction.

Take care and trust her, she has stayed this long, so what have you got to loose now.

Amethist

 

[Pale Warrior]

Talk to her put your trust in her, tell her how much you do rely on her, and know you should do more, but do all this on a good day. Take her out somewhere quiet to talk, away from every day life, just the 2 of you if possible. Tell her you are telling all this, because you do trust her to get it right. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised at her reaction.

Yes!!!! !t is so important to be acknowledged, to be validated, in the supporters role. Not simply sorry or thank you, but to have it offered freely, on a good day, not "extracted" at the end of a long debate on "XYZ" issues.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Yes!!!! !t is so important to be acknowledged, to be validated, in the supporters role. Not simply sorry or thank you, but to have it offered freely, on a good day, not "extracted" at the end of a long debate on "XYZ" issues.

Oh WOW! This is SO what I am feeling.... why is it so impossible for them to do this? :unsure::cry:

Do they have ANY idea just how heartbreaking it is to their supporters?:(:(:(:cry: