Have You Ever Asked Yourself These....

[PureDogs]

Hello;

It has been a while since I make new threads and I do come back to check other threads read. I have been thought about asking myself these questions. I am wondering if you have experience like this?

**Fair warning: This may lead triggers and if you feel that it is too much for you, feel free to stop**

Basically, I went through so many traumas such as custody battles, rejections, bullied, abused in all forms of abuses, my mom being in hospital so many times when I was child, betrayals, and torments. With these traumas I went through, caused me feeling angry, difficult to trust, developed many kind of fears: Confrontation, stand up for myself, and say something what I believe in.

For instance, When I stand up for myself or say something what I believe in, I get "assaulted" with push down that I'm wrong and expectation of changing my believe to theirs.

Other example: Whenever my mom told me that she is going to hospital - I get angry and told her "Again?" and get in argue with my mom about being in hospital. After that, my mom stopped telling me if she is going hospital because it affects me lot of times.

I have faced too many labels from others who bullied me and used label to make me look bad person.

I would like to continue more about myself but I feel that I need to stop because I'm starting to feel affected and I would open up more about it later. I can see that it is very hard for me to open up and it take time for me to be more confident to get support instead of being judged.

I'll provide you few listings of what I have thoughts and asked myself those:

1. Why me?
2. Why does this had to happen to me?
3. I'm nice person, and why I am one have to be suffer with these traumas I went through?
4. Too many times, I try, I faced with hurt and betrayals
5. Why is it so hard to find someone that actually understands where I come from instead of telling me to move on, it's past, etc.
6. I feel that I want to trust again but too hard.
7. When searching for answers, why is it so hard to get answers or not able to get help?

What is my desires?

It is only simple thing: Accept who I am and ability to understand where I come from.
Of course, I tried my best to avoid negativity because it does pull me down and drains my energy.

So, Any of you have similar experience as mine?

If you feel that you prefer to reply privately, feel free to inbox me. Otherwise, you may leave comment here.

Thank you for your time.

 

[scout86]

I just told someone else, in a different thread, that my therapist says I can ask HIM "Why?" if I want to, but that he'd prefer it if I didn't ask myself that question. But, I've asked myself most of the questions you listed.

He says not to ask myself "why?" because, many times, there IS no answer to "why?" questions. "Why you?" or why did you go through the things you went through? There isn't an answer to that, Or, if there's an answer, it's "chance". You were born where you were born, when you were born, and stuff happened. It isn't anything you are anyone else is responsible for. It's not something anyone earned or deserved, it just "Is". Not a very satisfying answer, but I believe it's the truth. A lot of times, asking "why?" amounts to looking for someone to blame, either ourselves or someone else. Neither of those things helps the healing process.

We don't always have control over what happens in our lives. Maybe it would be nice if we did, maybe it's good that we don't. All we really have control over is the choices we make, and even there, our choices are determined by the resources we have available at the time.