Have You Ever Been Exposed To Radical Acceptance As A Course Of Therapy?

[Neverthesame]

When it comes to something like this, I try to think of what I can reasonably think would be expected from me.

If my spouse expressed concern for me because I have been in therapy yet am showing zero sign of progress or regress. I think it'd be reasonable to ask for a basic outline of what's going on.

That's the whole point of the therapy in this instance right?
Not just to make the spouse better, but to try to salvage a damaged marriage?

I don't think it's victim blaming at all, questioning why nothing is improving. Honestly there is such a backwards logic bullshit thing happening now.

Someone explain this to me, please?

Why is Enough's wife in the therapists office and not him?
If he is supposed to be the one doing all the radical acceptance, what is she even doing in there? If she is supposed to be the one doing whatever she wants whenever she wants. Then her therapy is complete no?

I'm being serious, what more is there for her to do? If Enough is just supposed to accept her behaviour, he needs to be in the therapists office. Not the wife, she's cured. He's the one having problems right?

A marriage is supposed to be built on communication. She is not obligated to recount everything said in the office word for word. But she certainly is accountable for her half of the marriage.

 

[qwyoey]

What are her "outright lies" and promises?

Radical acceptance means in part accepting what you cannot change. Another person's will is their own. Only they can change. Could you change your response to the lies?

 

[joeylittle]

Basically, unless I can get my wife to accept another counselor, I am stuck in this rut with little hope being offered up to me. I am pushing her to see another counselor with hopes that a better counselor will help in the work of pulling the wool off of her eyes and dropping this waste of parchment, but I am not hopeful it will happen. As of now, her maximum out of pocket medical deductible has been met so any counseling is free until next year.

Nope. You're doing too much thinking for the two of you. Part of radical acceptance is, actually, arriving at emotional neutrality.

You have options: you can leave. You can tell her you would like to schedule a different therapist, and ask her to try six sessions. You cannot look for someone to be her wake-up call; but, sounds like current one just is not working for the two of you.

Main point: suffering is what happens when we struggle against reality.

Radical acceptance doesn't mean 'tolerate the intolerable'. That's what I read in some of your writing.

It means, shift viewpoints so that the intolerable becomes something happening in your vicinity, but you are no longer the target of it, you're not enmeshed - you're not wishing it weren't so. You're not really thinking about it at all - because your mind has now transitioned to a perspective where you see other responses, other options.

A useful tool is to focus on who, what, when, where. As in - your wife, sticking to one therapist, regularily, in a marriage with communication problems. (Where is more often a conditional state than a location).

What you want is: you and your wife, in couples therapy, regularily, applying better communication technique.

You can ask for that. And it doesn't have a thing to do with why it's gone on this long, why she's still in ineffective (your judgement but sounds true) therapy, why things are getting worse not better....doesn't matter.

When it comes to creating change in dysfunctional situations, acceptance of the past, followed immediately by some who what where why on the present, leads to options for the future.

 

[Neverthesame]

I apologise if the last post came across as hostile to anyone.

I woke up a bit cranky, didn't realise it would bleed through that much. Sorry.

 

[qwyoey]

Maybe there would be value in it for you to ask to meet with your wife's therapist again and hear her out and let her hear from you.

 

[user27357]

sorry for the drag in my reposting here, I have been incredibly busy getting the stuff I can only get done in summer....done.

Here is what I have radically accepted:

1) being tolerant pays more than being intolerant, especially in marriage

2) being empathetic is good for communication, anything and everything else is bad for communication

3) I am not leaving, I am not able to change her behaviour, I have to accept that this is the ride I paid for and I can enjoy it or not, enjoying it is better.

To answer some questions, the lies are about agreements we make regarding money, responsibility to each other, some bad habits including drug and alcohol use, her health problems, our interactions with our kids, that kind of stuff. She lies to me about these things as easily as breathing, she doesn't care about or understand the destruction it causes to our marriage and her integrity.

She is as faithful as I am, and thats 100%, no doubts in my mind. So there is a seed of trust, it just gets snuffed out when I get lied to. And lied to again.

She does have issues beyond our marriage that are being addressed by this counselor, things like childhood sexual abuse and a loss of a parent and a violent murder of some family members. We both have our shit to deal with. Seeing a counselor is a good thing and even this one-way culdesac of a counselor is at least a counselor and she needs whatever she gets from her. I wish it was better and I wish she could see that but it is her thing.

The unsafe behaviour is mostly driving issues. I am probably the most intensely serious about safety driver i know, results from years of pulling victims out of wrecked cars and putting them on helicopters or in ambulances or the county coroner's truck. She is careless, drives too fast, follows too close, drives the wrong roads at the wrong times and has lifelong habits that she just doesn't seem to understand are deadly if she gets unlucky some day, things like changing lanes in an intersection, passing on the right, running yellow lights and trusting other drivers to see her all the time. Other things like putting out her cigarettes in the garbage can are dangerous but I can move the can 20' away from the house or come up with whatever solution I need to. It's the driving that keeps me up at night.

So maybe radical acceptance does apply here, kind of, in an employer/employee kind of way. If I want to keep this marriage alive I am doing it on my own and it is a job. But it is a higher paying job than being single and paying alimony and knowing that she is still out there changing lanes in the intersection and will lie to me if I ask her if she has realised that it is dangerous and illegal and that she won't do it anymore, I have to choose to accept that there is little I can do here except make it worse about a thousand different ways or better by just relaxing and doing the easier, higher paying job of just going along for the ride.

Not the marriage I wanted, but I never wanted a divorce at 55 either.

 

[shell]

@enough I really feel your frustration but at the same time your need to feel like it won't be like this for ever. My thoughts are have you thought of seeing someone for yourself?

While I am all for the belief of keeping marriage vows, you have a responsibility to yourself and your children to ensure their safety and I am assuming your children are in the car when she drives dangerously.

While I am the one with PTSD in my family, it took me sometime to realize I was co-dependant in my marriage and to take steps to address this, and to learn to assert my needs within reason. For too long I had been refusing to face the way my husbands anger was harmful to myself but most especially to my son, and that my marriage wasn't working for me, and I needed to address why was I still clinging to my relationship when I was absolutely miserable? In any relationship there are two players and I had to look at what part I was playing in this destructive cycle in my marriage, and from there real change happened as fortunately for me my husband wanted it to be different as well, and we now have a relationship that is much more honest and supports my son.

I am not suggesting at all that you leave her, but perhaps that you look at why you are continuing your role in the relationship, that facilitates her continued unacceptable behaviour, and to gain support to help you move to decide what you need.

Admitting to myself that I was facilitating my partners destructive behaviour was very confronting, as was that I was in a co=dependant relationship but it has led to our relationship changing in such a way that I believe we are more honest and open, but also more accepting of each other, in a manner that is not co-dependant.

 

[qwyoey]

Here is what I have radically accepted:

1) being tolerant pays more than being intolerant, especially in marriage

2) being empathetic is good for communication, anything and everything else is bad for communication

3) I am not leaving, I am not able to change her behaviour, I have to accept that this is the ride I paid for and I can enjoy it or not, enjoying it is better.

I think it may be time you go in to discuss what radical acceptance is. Because I feel you are greatly misapplying it here. Especially when you make statements like "pays more", "anything and everything", and "ride I paid for"