Having A Hard Time

[itg]

I'm so glad I found this site I have been having a hard time lately. I was sexually abused since I was very little and although I finally am in a good and loving relationship I have flashbacks during sex and often start feeling like I'm being abused again. I start crying and pushing him off. The change is so sudden and although my boyfriend is understanding and works with me I don't feel like he really understands. I also usually get very uncomfertable after when/if we actually finish I feel grose and sad and usually curl up and suck my thumb and get dressed. I have gotten better since I have been with a very supportive and understanding guy but I am still having major problems. My mom and her boyfriends were the main abusers and my father was abusive in other ways. I get depressed and withdrawn at night. I got in therapy when I was 15 kind of on accident because I went to a clinic to get on birth control so I wouldn't get pregnant and they wanted me to see a counselor because they were worried. The counseling has been good and helped me. I lived in a transitional living program a while after I just turned 18 and (somehow) finished highschool... I had some very supportive and understanding teachers. I feel bad that the past is such a big part of my life and that it gets in the way of my relationship and effects my behavior. I am going to school to become and LPN but am having trouble with my depression lately despite the antidepresants... I feel so overwelmed

 

[kers]

You are dealing with a lot. I commed you for finding a healthy relationship, that is a tremendous accomplishment. The flashbacks must be scary for you and confusing for your partner. You are not so far out from all the abuse, unfortunately, so it is not surprising that you continue to struggle with its effects. Who presecribes your antidepressant? Do they give you therapy as well? It sounds like you need someone to share a lot of this with in order t manage the feelings while you try to get on with your life and reach your goals.

Welcome to the forum, I think you will find it very welcoming here.

 

[itg]

My counselor is a licensed clinical social worker and she works together with a doctor who presecribes my meds.

 

[itg]

I have a hard time talking to her though... I really like her as a counselor but It's hard for me to talk to anybody about the stuff especially in person

 

[itg]

Before I go for the night I also wanted to mention that I am still in contact with my mother and father and it's making things very tough. My mother is currently in treatment but it hasn't worked for her in the past. Even recently she had me meet her boyfriend and said, "He's nice but he might try to have sex with you." I know it sounds crazy but it's so "normal" to me to hear that stuff I don't think it's weird.... although I am realizing that it is. Last year her boyfriend threw her in the wall and broke her ribs and I was working alone that day at work so I couldn't get her. She wouldn't call an ambulance so she had to wait untill I got off because I couldn't find a replacement. I felt horrible since it was a 10 hour day. She even had to sometimes count the condoms left around the house to find out how many guys had slept with her. I have a hard time because I have taken care of her for so long and feel guilty despite the fact that she abused me. On the other hand my father was very manipulative and verbally abusive and watched me change but it was about power not sex (at least that's how I felt). When I was very depressed and living at my moms he came in and told me I was the worst daughter ever. He's called me a f***ing b**ch and told me I would never make it anywhere in life. He would abuse my step mom (now his ex-wife) too. Anyway I wanted to get some of this off of my chest and get some feedback.... hope it's not too much info.

 

[scarlet]

Hi itg,

I feel for you. I am pleased that you have an understanding boyfriend and a job, and that you are getting help. I couldn't talk about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child until I was in my mid-thirties. I felt so ashamed. And I can relate to your difficulties sexually. Sometimes I recoil, sometimes I go numb.

It's great that you've found this forum and that you are talking about what happened. You have a lot to deal with and even though it doesn't seem like it at times, in my experience things do get better and better.

Best wishes,
Scarlet

 

[itg]

Thank you! I don't think I'd be talking about it this freely if it wasn't for the anonymity of the site.... I'm so glad I found it it seems safe and caring so far. I even have such a hard time talking to my counselor that I email her what's really bothering me because I can't seem to get anything out in person. I truly hope you are doing well Scarlet!

 

[scarlet]

I'm doing okay after several very bad weeks. I can relate to your difficulties giving voice to what happened to you and what you are going through. It's so overwhelming that sentences are hard to form. Everything is a jumble. I jump about all over the place. Or I freeze and can't say anything. It's still good to try though. I find it helps shift the shame. And a great weight is lifted. I'd like to encourage you to keep on keeping on with it.

Best wishes,
Scarlet