Having a hard week

[SeekingAfrica]

It's one of those times when everything just seems pointless and I feel like nothing will ever actually, really, measurably, get better. I know I always get out of that feeling somehow. I'm managing it, somehow. But my week is still so slow and ineffective, and there is so much to do that I just can't bring myself to deal with. The first 2 days of the week I dealt by only doing the essential things, like meetings I had scheduled prior, and not that much else.

Today I'm doing things, just ...badly. I barely slept and woke up skipping 3 alarms at 11AM. Getting out of bed is hard. Everything feels unneccessarily hard and useless. Like, it's a single task, it's not going to change anything(I know that's not true logically, and that changes happen with many small efforts, but I'm finding it hard to believe that today). I made a simple list of work and other tasks for day, plus some self care things. I still don't believe any of it does anything, but I'm trying not to sulk in bed all day.

I'm breaking down each simple task even further, doing chunks until something is actually done. Checking stuff off that list feels good for a second and then I feel like I'll never change anything again. I know it's a circle of thoughts to have. May be I'll try doing one of the DBT exercises later today. It's just so hard to get up and do anything. Everything is like walking through honey, so slow and hard, and dragging on, and my whole body hurts. I really really wish there was a way to make all this easier. But for now I just keep...trying I guess.

 

[ladee]

And that's how this is done. Just like you are doing today. Sad, energy draining, crazy making, and feeling so hopeless while doing it, but doing it just the same.... because all these little things do add up.... they do count, they do stick in our brain 'I did manage to do that, yay me', without any enthusiasm. I've always wondered how many warriors went thru the same feelings girding them selves for battle.... thinking what's the point, just more of the same tomorrow.... but they were warriors just the same... just as we are.
I really appreciate you sharing this today.. I don't know how many days of my life are just as you describe. but it has gotten a lot better, a lot different, but it took a lot of days like today to get here. You are worth is, you don't have to believe it, but you can say it just the same.
Gentle hugs for another crappy PTSD day.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

And that's how this is done. Just like you are doing today. Sad, energy draining, crazy making, and feeli...

Thank you! You have no idea- or actually, you probably do- how much this means. How much I needed to hear this today. I've been steadily going through my to-do list(with breaks)...but it still helps, hearing all this. It made me cry...you know, in the good way. Thank you so much!

 

[ladee]

You are welcome, from my heart and experience. You are so much braver than you give yourself credit for. And it is brave to make our feet move when our wold makes no sense. Things do change, we change and all the hard work and obstacles make it even more worth it... So break it down to something you can manage... there are no rules, just opportunities... gentle hugs for how hard you are trying.