This week is... I just need to think that it will be ok

[SeekingAfrica]

It just feels like I've tried so many times and so much happened last year that I can't take any changes. But without changes everything is terrible right now. I just feel supersensitive and kind of numb at the same time. I have a task to call for first therapy session at a place I found for couple of weeks now and feel too anxious about doing it in practice so I keep pushing it. I was almost making a change for few weeks, like it was hard, but things were finally moving, and since Sunday it's been hard to do anything. I mean like brushing my hair even. I don't have dark thoughts, but also none that are good either. It started with feeling exhausted of stresses and problems repeating I think. And suddenly I have shut down so much that I know it's bad, but I can't make myself care enough to change it. When I do something it feels bad, but still better, yet it's hard getting myself to do so. I finally sat at the desk today for a bit, and it's afternoon.
Every day I decide I'll change it the next. I've felt worse for sure. I've done worse. This is just... I don't know, just being numb, which is highly disturbing for overly emotional person like me.

I know nobody can pull me out.
I know I need to get help.
I know there are things to do to help myself, too many. It's just hard to move right now. I'm in too much of a fog to over explain.

I just need someone to think this will pass. I know it's entirely ridiculous, I'm just exhausted.

 

[arfie]

i don't think this will pass. i know it. everything does, by inevitable, all-natural mandate. even a might mountain will erode over time.

and there really is such a thing as trying too hard. inside my own daily psych inventory, feeling ridiculous and exhausted are major flags that i have been trying too hard. am i a human being or a human doing?

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

i don't think this will pass. i know it. everything does, by inevitable, all-natural mandate. even a might mountain will erode over time.

and there really is such a thing as trying too hard. inside my own daily psych inventory, feeling ridiculous and exhausted are major flags that i have been trying too hard. am i a human being or a human doing?

be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

I think I just needed to hear that. Like I'm too tired to believe any logic I can conjure myself. I just needed a second. And some reassurance.

 

[arfie]

Like I'm too tired to believe any logic

i love this phrasing for the state trying too hard lead me to. it has led me back to a psychotic break i had in 1995 at age 40. during my recovery from that break, i came to believe i was giving entirely too much importance to logic. i began to let my heart guide. i still see my logical capacities as valuable, but it be my heart which guides me to where my logic is most useful.

intelligence (logic) sees how to.
wisdom (heart) sees when to.

reminder
rest is a productive activity.

 

[PamelaS]

I think I just needed to hear that. Like I'm too tired to believe any logic I can conjure myself. I just needed a second. And some reassurance.

I have spent much of the last two years in the state that you’re in, and was completely pushed to the edge by an abusive husband and tried to commit suicide four times. All I’ve been doing is self-care. Not getting anywhere. But keep doing it. And I’ve found light and funny entertainment has been helping to lift me out of the fog. I agree with arfie that we have to be gentle with ourselves and accept where we are at the moment. I hope you find some gentle self-care that will lead you to a place where you can function just a little bit better. One day at a time. One little bit at a time. Try to keep moving forward. Try not to move backwards. We are all here for you. Thanks for reaching out. I am so thankful for this forum. Don’t know where I would be without it. Don’t want to know either. Life is looking up now. Things are changing. I don’t have to make them change. We don’t have to kill ourselves to try to fix ourselves. Sometimes it’s important to just rest. Wish you all the best in moving forward gently as you are able.

 

[Rorster93]

reminder
rest is a productive activity.

I'm using this the next time I feel guilty for being lazy. Besides, it's exhausting fighting your inner critic, dealing with unwarranted anxiety, trying to be an example of a productive member of society who just so happens to have a mental illness. I don't know why I get onto myself for having sleep as my main hobby. Taking care of myself, eating right and getting good sleep helps with mood therefore is actually altruistic if you think about it. Making sure my mood is manageable and I am taking of myself prevents others from having to do it. I know this is probably off topic.

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

SeekingAfrica, I just wanted to say I feel ya. I'm in a similar low place mentally. Hang in there.

 

[Susan Jane]

I can relate to this all. I am in a yoyo hold, feeling the same way. One minute I feel slightly better and an hour later in panic. It is so exhausting. I am grateful that I am sleeping without medication. This is a positive development, something of a first in so many years. It gives me hope. I force myself outside for a walk and try to enjoy the sun‘s rays and even though I am lonely, I can‘t be with other people. I have always felt lonely, no matter who is around. I am an introvert who feels safer being alone so no one can ask what is wrong. Finding this forum has been a life saver… I feel connected and understood. I also understand all of you, and although we have never met, I feel I have found my people here. Thank you for reading Sisan

 

[SometimesIAskWhy]

I can relate to this all. I am in a yoyo hold, feeling the same way. One minute I feel slightly better and an hour later in panic. It is so exhausting. I am grateful that I am sleeping without medication. This is a positive development, something of a first in so many years. It gives me hope. I force myself outside for a walk and try to enjoy the sun‘s rays and even though I am lonely, I can‘t be with other people. I have always felt lonely, no matter who is around. I am an introvert who feels safer being alone so no one can ask what is wrong. Finding this forum has been a life saver… I feel connected and understood. I also understand all of you, and although we have never met, I feel I have found my people here. Thank you for reading Sisan

dang I relate to all of that so much!! hang in there. we're in this never-ending depressing slog together, even if anonymous and far apart.

 

[Susan Jane]

dang I relate to all of that so much!! hang in there. we're in this never-ending depressing slog together, even if anonymous and far apart.

Yes we are

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I can relate to this all. I am in a yoyo hold, feeling the same way. One minute I feel slightly better and an hour later in panic. It is so exhausting. I am grateful that I am sleeping without medication. This is a positive development, something of a first in so many years. It gives me hope. I force myself outside for a walk and try to enjoy the sun‘s rays and even though I am lonely, I can‘t be with other people. I have always felt lonely, no matter who is around. I am an introvert who feels safer being alone so no one can ask what is wrong. Finding this forum has been a life saver… I feel connected and understood. I also understand all of you, and although we have never met, I feel I have found my people here. Thank you for reading Sisan

Thanks. Same for me by the way. Despite everything, for a couple months now I am finally sleeping without medication. Which is first for a decade for me. I still can't fall asleep without help a lot of the time (meaning movie, or if I'm somewhere at an event until so late that I'm too tired)- but ONCE I am asleep I am asleep for decent amount of hours most nights. So fairly regular sleep which is an achievement TBH. I also started teaching English in private lessons for a first time this year (I have a university degree that I earned IN English, I've taken TEOFL and SAT in the past- but I was still always terrified of teaching so that's HUGE)... and yet at some point every year I messed up in so many parts of life in such a major way that at times those steps forward feel like a blip on the radar in comparisson to everything happening.

BUT I am still here and I have to improve so ... I've been pushing myself to have selective memory and just concentrate on the steps forward and what I'm improving. Not just what I'm lacking. It's been a very up and down journey. Some days I'm wondering how to take another step and others I just continue the whole messy process of change.

 

[Susan Jane]

Thanks. Same for me by the way. Despite everything, for a couple months now I am finally sleeping without medication. Which is first for a decade for me. I still can't fall asleep without help a lot of the time (meaning movie, or if I'm somewhere at an event until so late that I'm too tired)- but ONCE I am asleep I am asleep for decent amount of hours most nights. So fairly regular sleep which is an achievement TBH. I also started teaching English in private lessons for a first time this year (I have a university degree that I earned IN English, I've taken TEOFL and SAT in the past- but I was still always terrified of teaching so that's HUGE)... and yet at some point every year I messed up in so many parts of life in such a major way that at times those steps forward feel like a blip on the radar in comparisson to everything happening.

BUT I am still here and I have to improve so ... I've been pushing myself to have selective memory and just concentrate on the steps forward and what I'm improving. Not just what I'm lacking. It's been a very up and down journey. Some days I'm wondering how to take another step and others I just continue the whole messy process of change.

What a coincidence I am an ESL teacher too. I started teaching in 2006. Somehow I managed … As I was raising my son. I get the anxiety feeling. I had to work, my son was 6. I kept it up until my first real breakdown end of 2020. Returned to work in early 2022. I broke again this Feb, didn‘t see it coming, although the flags were there. I try to see that and tell myself I can get through this again. I also just take small steps one day and feel more optimistic about changing on others. Sending you my understanding and I am rooting for us all to get to peace from this very exhausting challenge in our lives.