still_i_rise
Silver Member
This is so f*cking hard. I don't know what I want to hear back. I just want somewhere to park all this darkness.
tl:dr - My husband cheated on me and I don't f*cking know I to deal with it.
My husband is a PTSD sufferer. I am doing everything I can, being there for him, supporting and providing for him.
Last week I found out that he had been having an online affair with somebody that I thought was a friend since last summer. I never thought he would do this to me. I never ever thought he'd ever cheat.
I don't know the extent of it. He won't talk to me about it which now only makes my imagination go to the worst places. He only says that he reached out to her when he went through a dark period this past summer and SHE saved his life. And then it got sexual.
I noticed him pulling away from me when this was happening and I gave him space because that's what all the resources tell us supporters to do. Give them space, don't push them into talking about it etc....
When I go to express my feelings of betrayal when I say anything about her, he just throws it in my face that SHE saved him. He still defends her, protects her, holds her up on a f*cking pedestal.
I am the one that wakes up every morning wondering if he's still alive. I'm the one that's bending over backwards to maintain a home environment that is safe, providing a house & food. I am the one that has to deal with this horrible disease day in and day out.
The night that I found out was horrible. He went onto Facebook and made a post alluding to suicide. Despite how hurt I was, I couldn't sleep for fear that he would follow through with that. I stayed up listening to him sleeping in the other room. I have been having a hard time sleeping and eating since.
Two days after I found out he cheated, he insisted that I talk to a vet friend of his that's also going through PTSD. So I could get some perspective of why he did what he did. I wasn't ready to hear that. I just needed to feel my feelings and I told him that didn't want to talk to his friend. He kept asking me to talk to this guy and I said I didn't want to. This guy called me up anyways.
His friend told me that he's got himself a female friend that he's having a 'flirty' relationship with and that he reaches out to her instead of his wife because he doesn't want to seem weak to his wife. And that this is common with PTSD sufferers.
What the freaking hell?!? This is supposed to make me feel better?
Boys will be boys so it's okay they shit all over the women?? And we're just supposed to accept that this is par for the course??
It took all the willpower in me to maintain my cool and composure with this friend. My husband relies on this person for peer support. I know his friend thought he was helping but belittled me. It dehumanized and disrespected me.
I unleashed it that night at my husband. I yelled and screamed and said horrible ugly things. I've never in our 16 years together ever been so angry, so filled with rage. I was shaking. All the while, I was screaming inside myself to not do this, to not say all those horrible things and that I was going to trigger him.
I asked him to tell her that he could not contact anymore. He says he texted her that it was over. Then he tells me that she texted back that she hopes she doesn't read one day that he's gone massacred a bunch of people.
What kind of passive-aggressive, manipulative bullshit is that???
"Oh you're leaving me? Well, I hope you don't kill everybody."
I'm a volcano of so many different emotions. I don't even know which one to deal with first.
I am feeling like such a failure, as a wife, as a human being.
I am still feeling purges of rage and anger.
I am so hurt and disappointed that my husband chose to do this.
I don't even know how to begin trusting him again. I used to believe everything he said. There was no reason to doubt him.
Now I doubt everything he says. I don't even fully believe he actually called it off with this other woman.
He won't even show me the text he says he sent her.
I am so full of all these feelings and yet at the same time I'm feeling gutted and demolished.
I love this man with all my heart and being. Part of me is chastising myself for feeling this way. That I'm selfish and insensitive bitch.
Other part of me just wants to have one little corner to myself where I can just feel what I need to feel and not have somebody tell me I shouldn't feel this way.
tl:dr - My husband cheated on me and I don't f*cking know I to deal with it.
My husband is a PTSD sufferer. I am doing everything I can, being there for him, supporting and providing for him.
Last week I found out that he had been having an online affair with somebody that I thought was a friend since last summer. I never thought he would do this to me. I never ever thought he'd ever cheat.
I don't know the extent of it. He won't talk to me about it which now only makes my imagination go to the worst places. He only says that he reached out to her when he went through a dark period this past summer and SHE saved his life. And then it got sexual.
I noticed him pulling away from me when this was happening and I gave him space because that's what all the resources tell us supporters to do. Give them space, don't push them into talking about it etc....
When I go to express my feelings of betrayal when I say anything about her, he just throws it in my face that SHE saved him. He still defends her, protects her, holds her up on a f*cking pedestal.
I am the one that wakes up every morning wondering if he's still alive. I'm the one that's bending over backwards to maintain a home environment that is safe, providing a house & food. I am the one that has to deal with this horrible disease day in and day out.
The night that I found out was horrible. He went onto Facebook and made a post alluding to suicide. Despite how hurt I was, I couldn't sleep for fear that he would follow through with that. I stayed up listening to him sleeping in the other room. I have been having a hard time sleeping and eating since.
Two days after I found out he cheated, he insisted that I talk to a vet friend of his that's also going through PTSD. So I could get some perspective of why he did what he did. I wasn't ready to hear that. I just needed to feel my feelings and I told him that didn't want to talk to his friend. He kept asking me to talk to this guy and I said I didn't want to. This guy called me up anyways.
His friend told me that he's got himself a female friend that he's having a 'flirty' relationship with and that he reaches out to her instead of his wife because he doesn't want to seem weak to his wife. And that this is common with PTSD sufferers.
What the freaking hell?!? This is supposed to make me feel better?
Boys will be boys so it's okay they shit all over the women?? And we're just supposed to accept that this is par for the course??
It took all the willpower in me to maintain my cool and composure with this friend. My husband relies on this person for peer support. I know his friend thought he was helping but belittled me. It dehumanized and disrespected me.
I unleashed it that night at my husband. I yelled and screamed and said horrible ugly things. I've never in our 16 years together ever been so angry, so filled with rage. I was shaking. All the while, I was screaming inside myself to not do this, to not say all those horrible things and that I was going to trigger him.
I asked him to tell her that he could not contact anymore. He says he texted her that it was over. Then he tells me that she texted back that she hopes she doesn't read one day that he's gone massacred a bunch of people.
What kind of passive-aggressive, manipulative bullshit is that???
"Oh you're leaving me? Well, I hope you don't kill everybody."
I'm a volcano of so many different emotions. I don't even know which one to deal with first.
I am feeling like such a failure, as a wife, as a human being.
I am still feeling purges of rage and anger.
I am so hurt and disappointed that my husband chose to do this.
I don't even know how to begin trusting him again. I used to believe everything he said. There was no reason to doubt him.
Now I doubt everything he says. I don't even fully believe he actually called it off with this other woman.
He won't even show me the text he says he sent her.
I am so full of all these feelings and yet at the same time I'm feeling gutted and demolished.
I love this man with all my heart and being. Part of me is chastising myself for feeling this way. That I'm selfish and insensitive bitch.
Other part of me just wants to have one little corner to myself where I can just feel what I need to feel and not have somebody tell me I shouldn't feel this way.
