Relationship He Checked Out... Again.

[mkoontz30]

I posted the other day about my separation with my vet with non-combat PTSD. He is currently staying in our RV to isolate but we've been both texting and seeing each other. We had a nice date Friday evening and had been texting all day yesterday. I made sure I wasn't bothering him too much and asked throughout the day if I needed to leave him alone for awhile and each time he would tell me no.
I knew he was traveling today to go to a job so I offered to cook him a meal so he didn't have to eat road food, because his plan was to stop by here on his way out of town. That's kinda when things took a turn for the worse. He got a little distant after my offer and when I asked if I had done something wrong he told me it was him and not me, that he could see my desire, love and heart to making the marriage work. But he wanted to hook up the RV and leave and forget everyone he ever knew and drive to start a new life when his money ran out.
This hurt me deeply. We have three kids and that he would want this, it was painful to hear. I asked him to get help from a good therapist and maybe see about some antidepressants. His last therapist made him verbally re-tell his traumatic experience over and over and so he's afraid to speak to someone again. I let him know that I was there for him, but worried about his state of mind. I told him I loved him and would walk with him through whatever hell this took us through. He knows I love him so much.
I asked to call him and he said he would call me back after he ate since he was at a restaurant. Then 20 minutes later he said he wasn't going to call me, he was f*cked up in the head and it was best we didn't talk for awhile. I had no idea what made the switch so I begged him to please let me hear his voice but all he said was he needed real space. I believe he has completely shut down now and wil not be contacting me period. And I don't know for how long, or what he's doing. Or if he's in trouble.
I'm completely terrified that he's going to self harm, or end up leaving the relationship. I tend to be taking all of this so personal as if it's me he wants to run away from. He's not afraid of telling me he's leaving me for good, so I feel like if that's what he wanted he would have already done it, unless his reason for shutting down is to figure out if this relationship is what he wants. But this is hard for me to deal with. I want to be there for him and I will be no matter what, but no contact puts me through such anguish. It feels like he's become a missing person but I'm not allowed to search for him.
I just don't know what to do, because when I asked he wouldn't tell me how long he was shutting down for.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I feel so much for you, I can completely sympathise how hard it is to be given indefinite proclamations. "I'm shutting down and I don't know when I will be ready" makes complete sense to them, and I can see why it does, but to us? It's just uncertainty with zero conclusion, we're left with no clues (if you've seen Zootopia, think of it like that, here's a case to solve, oh but you have absolutely sod all to go on, and if you don't get it right you'll be in trouble, good luck!).

It sounds like he is in flight mode, where escaping and cutting ties feels like a way of recovering and moving forward, I guess the logic would be if I just start a new life then maybe things will be different, but of course the PTSD will follow no matter where he runs to hide. Perhaps running is also a distraction to keep him focused on something to stop himself falling apart?

I feel for you, it's so difficult when you're abandoned and have no idea if or when you'll hear or see them again.

 

[mandyk]

I feel so much for you, I can completely sympathise how hard it is to be given indefinite proclam...

I think that's just it. The indefinite time period. If he had said, I need 3 days or a week or whatever, it would be easier to deal with but now I feel like I'm going to have to tie my phone to my hip because I'm so worried. I don't know if he's even left for his trip, or if he's alive and that bothers me even more, being unsure about his safety. And then of course, the relationship. He crushed me when he asked for a divorce and while he's wearing his ring (or was as of Friday night), the fear of him leaving me for good terrifies me. I won't be able to handle him bailing on me for good. I've been researching PTSD as much as possible so I can learn how to manage myself when he gets triggered or needs space. And I have absolutely no qualms with living this hell with him. I love him so much that I never want to abandon him when he really needs me. I'm just so confused right now because I feel like he sends mixed signals of wanting me and loving me and then pushing me away. I feel like my whole life is at a standstill and all I wanna do is wave a wand and fix his pain for him.
I am a "what if" thinker and as you can imagine, at least 5 different scenarios are running through my mind right now. I guess I'm just having the hardest time coming to grips with his silence. We've always stayed in almost constant contact the whole 22 years we've been together. And to know that he can contact me but won't, it just crushes me. I realize and understand that this is a part of his coping, but it doesn't make it any easier. I can truly handle anything he throws my way, or anything the PTSD makes him do, think or feel, but him leaving the marriage for good, I just don't think I'll be able to make it through this time.

 

[Nicolette]

I apologise in advance for being brief/blunt as I'm short of time yet I feel you might benefit from the perspective from a long time supporter :)

I made sure I wasn't bothering him too much and asked throughout the day if I needed to leave him alone for awhile

While you have wonderful intentions, just 'asking' if it's okay to make contact via a text can be overwhelming when a Sufferer is in 'isolation' mode as it's still ongoing pressure on them. I totally appreciate your hurt and respectfulness however if you can learn to ease up on this then you stand a better chance of him recovering from the episode than you will by your best intentions. Look at it as if your brain is overloaded with things to do and if one more person contacts you, you're going to lose your cool. This can be how he feels so giving space means NO contact. It hurts, it sucks, it seems personal and it is from your perspective but if you don't learn to manage yourself during these episodes you are more likely to end up with the outcome you don't want. Turn to friends or text someone else... distract yourself and hang in there.

But he wanted to hook up the RV and leave and forget everyone he ever knew and drive to start a new life when his money ran out.

He is screaming that he is overloaded and your best intentions are still constant contact...you have to give him some space or he will end up doing what he's trying to communicate to you - he needs time alone.

I tend to be taking all of this so personal as if it's me he wants to run away from.

It isn't personal and it hurts. Understandably but it can sometimes be a case of leave him be and walk on egg shells or push for contact/answers/just hearing his voice and you could end up walking on the shattered glass remnants of a broken relationship. He is ill, he's screaming the answer to you and you're not hearing him. He needs to be left alone and checking in and your own needs need to take a little of back step if you don't want to push him away. Trust me, if you don't ease up your fears are a greater reality than if you struggle to not make contact. I'm sorry, I know it sucks but it's an illness and this is symptomatic. It's not excuses and it's not about you.

But this is hard for me to deal with.

I get it and totally understandable. But you choices are to deal with it or the outcome could be worse sorry. :(

I just don't know what to do, because when I asked he wouldn't tell me how long he was shutting down for.

What you need to do is give him space and don't text and don't call. Do something to distract yourself. Call a friend, write the text but don't send it.... think of it as a full plate on the edge of a bench... one more text or phone call could cause the entire plate to tip. Trust me, it's easier to deal with this that the outcome you're trying to avoid. This is truly symptonmatic and the best thing you can do to make him stay is ease up. Totally easier said than done and it can lead to you suffering high anxiety but he is ill and it is what is best to do if you want to hold on to your relationship.

We have a word and if it's said, I know not to call, text or even speak first.....let alone seem needy for contact.... it's either that or be sitting here alone while he escapes completely because I didn't allow him the peace and space he needed to work through his episode.

I'm sorry and I know this sounds hard for you and goes against everything ingrained but trust me, if you can do it, he is likely to bounce back sooner :hug:

 

[mandyk]

I apologise in advance for being brief/blunt as I'm short of time yet I feel you might benefit from the...

Blunt but I needed to hear it. Thank you for your honesty. It's what I need so that I can fix all the things I may be doing wrong.