Relationship He Gets Angry And Defensive

[tobunika]

I asked my guy if we can talk about his triggers.
First he agreed to talk about them, but then he asked why and continued with more offensive questions like what I want from him, about my expectations. He said that he is ok with status of our relationship and don't want more (I never asked for more). Than he told me don't you see that this conversation is not comfortable for me. I told him but you were the one who started with questions. He gets angry.

What happened? Why does he start to ask this questions and gets angry? I was talking about how to understand him more and how to communicate and he started to talk about relationship.

What did I do wrong? :(

 

[Buttercup]

@tobunika I had something very similar happen to me recently and I spent a lot of time thinking about it. :) too much time!

I think it has to do with feeling like they are broken and feeling like something is wrong with them. Also maybe discomfort talking about anything that has to do with emotions and emotional responses.

Of course, this is my conclusion for my situation and I could be completely off for your situation. But it sounds pretty similar.

 

[Enaila]

I asked my guy if we can talk about his triggers.
First he agreed to talk about them, but then he ask...

For me, someone wanting to discuss triggers or me naming my triggers will often trigger my flashbacks. If someone does not realize this, then I often automatically start avoiding the questions by changing topic, pushing the person away, or saying something which lets them know I'm not comfortable. Sometimes it is difficult to communicate and this is frustrating, which causes me to sometimes be short with the other person. I will only allow my therapist to purposely question me about my triggers. I have slowly shared my triggers with my supportive friend, but she understands it needs to be in my own time.

The fact he initially agreed to answer some of your questions indicates to me he probably truly wants to be open with you. Baby steps....it takes time and sounds like he is trying to move forward.

 

[tobunika]

@tlc I told him I understand if you say no ( question about triggers).

Was he saying I don't love you so why You want to understand me?

 

[tobunika]

Thank you a lot @Enaila

I didn't realise that my question could be also a trigger.

 

[Enaila]

Thank you a lot @Enaila

I didn't realise that my question could be also a trigger...

My friend has spent time trying to understand ptsd and noticed when my body language or how my communication changes if something triggers me. She knows my triggers now, but at first we clashed when she pushed to know more. It has been a rough road, but she now can tell when we go out for "sister supper" if I am having a hypersensitive day or not.

Take some time to read the articles on this site. If you search the word "triggers," you will find many threads to help give you insight. Thank you for wanting to understand ptsd more.

 

[Justmehere]

I asked my guy if we can talk about his triggers.

I was talking about how to understand him more and how to communicate and he started to talk about relationship.

Talking about triggers and understanding him more is often a matter of relationship - it involves vulnerability. It's basically asking, tell me about the worst things that have ever happened to you and how you get reminded of them now? I haven't even told my therapist about all my triggers.

He should have calmly said he was uncomfortable having that conversation, and asked you what you wanted to talk about other than the specifics of his triggers (which are his to manage anyhow.) You didn't do anything wrong by asking - it's up to him to manage what topics he talks about and not. Agreeing to talk and then expressing discomfort is a little push/pull and confusing.

First he agreed to talk about them, but then he asked why and continued with more offensive questions like what I want from him, about my expectations

These are great questions. Why did you taken them as offensive? Did he say them with an angry or sarcastic tone?

(I never asked for more).

You kinda of did - you asked to know him better, to basically grow closer. He may not be ready yet.

Was he saying I don't love you so why You want to understand me?

If he didn't say I don't love you, then I wouldn't interpret his reaction as meaning that.

If you wanted to talk about how to communicate better, that's great! Instead of focusing on him and his triggers, it might help if you talk about you. If you say what you need and want in a relationship, and what is and isn't working for you - like you started to do with telling him that his questioning wasn't working. Only tell him by focusing on you. Instead of "You are doing this" start off with "I feel this way when you do this thing...." and start off with positives things. "I feel good when you tell me what it's like for you..."

So sorry this didn't work out well this time. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Can I rape you with this broken bottle?

I don't understand? Why are you getting upset? I just want to understand you better!

^^^
That's how your question reads to me.

I think it's something supporters just sometimes don't understand, that talking about trauma often means actually reliving it for sufferers. It's not like how talking about something horrible with a friend lifts this weight off your shoulders and you feel better for it. It's not about how much you trust the other person (in the sense that they won't use the info they gained in the girls night out to gossip about you to others, or use it against you at work, or to steal your boyfriend). I have things in my life that aren't Trauma, that do that. Whether it's venting about ex boyfriends, or a bad day at work, or hopes/fears. I think the mistake that a lot of supporters make is that talking about trauma isn't like that. It's not not-sharing because there's not the level of closeness that you have in order to share deeply personal things with (like the boyfriend -or horrible day at work- with your best girlfriend over a tub of Icecream or a martini, while to the rest of the world you're fine, and strong, and not bothered... But to your closest intimates you show your heartbreak). It's very often literal reliving. And feeling far worse after. And the next several hours/days (or if unlucky weeks/months) being deeply affected by it.

I get that the fact that I can sometimes talk about shit, sometimes can't even seem to shut up about it, and then the rest of the time am just a stone wall about it may seem confusing. Intellectually, at least. Because I've confused enough people about it. But that's just the way it is in my head & heart. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the stars have aligned & I can talk without repercussion. Or I have to / need to talk, regardless of the repercussions. But the rest of the time? Asking me to talk about my trauma* is like asking to wire me to a bedframe & plug in a car battery. Asking to kill my best friends. Asking to rape me. That the question is even asked would make me go :O_o:??? And pressed? That I'd get angry, confused, closed off? How would *you* respond if someone asked to kill someone you love? Or to rape you bloody. And they were serious?

* Talking about triggers is talking about trauma. Because in order for something to be a trigger, it has to have been there during the trauma AND it has to kick me into the past, to relive the past.

 

[tobunika]

@Justmehere Thank you, lot of questions/points, I need think about.

Should I apologise for my question?

 

[tobunika]

@Friday what can I do now?
I read about communication, about partners talking about triggers, but I feel so awful now about what I asked him.

 

[Justmehere]

Should I apologise for my question?

For the question, "can we talk about your triggers?"

I don't think you need to - but you would know best. It's a well meaning question. Again, it's up to him to manage his checkers and to tell you Ngo that he cannot talk about a certain subject.

I'd perhaps tell him you can respect his need for space when talking about triggers and trauma. But you haven't described anything here that I think you should apologize for.

 

[Friday]

I don't think you should feel awful. I think it's really normal for people to want to understand the people they love, and that's all you were trying to do. And it's confusing as hell why one day TopicX is perfectly okay to talk about, and the next day TopicX is :mad: Seeeeeeriously off limits.

If it helps, maybe consider it like talking about her boss with a girlfriend at home, versus bringing that conversation up at work in front of her boss? Or in front of someone who would tattle to her boss? Or need to drop the convo like a hot rock the moment her boss steps into the room? There's a bit of a learning curve in anything. It doesn't mean you need to walk on eggshells and never talk about her boss, ever. It just means that some conversations are okay sometimes, and not others. What those times will be? Will be different for each sufferer.