Relationship He Gets Angry And Defensive

[Buttercup]

@tobunika I had something very similar happen to me recently and I spent a lot of time t...

Oops...I misunderstood the original post and missed you were asking about his triggers....duh! Sorry for my lame response!

 

[tobunika]

@Friday @Justmehere @tlc Thank you.

 

[Enaila]

I invited my supportive friends (best friend and cousin who is also a best friend) to a counseling session with me at different times. I asked therapist if they could come. Therapist helped me find some of the words to explain my way of reacting to triggers and stressors. They shared their frustrations with how I reacted sometimes and the therapist gave us all suggestions on how to let each other know when I needed space and how they could keep boundaries when I did push/pull. I am much much better about not pushing and pulling now.

Establishing boundaries and expecting him to take responsibility for handling his emotions is important.

 

[tobunika]

He texts me in the morning: "Good morning. (My name), something went wrong. I couldn't sleep. Please believe me, it's got nothing with our latest conversation - that conversation was more the consequence than a cause of this. It started a few days ago. I think I'm not going to contact you for some time, I need to get myself together."

Few days ago I send him happy new year with wish, to love himself more and add some things I like about him. I think this is all my fault, I owerhelmed him with my emotions and care. I feel like selfish child, emotional abuser and manipulator, like all my intention to help only cause him pain. I don't know if there left anything I can do for him or if there is a way how to show him love the way he can accept. He hasn't been so down since I know him. During one week I destroyed his trust and balance and now when he needs support, I can't do nothing for him, cause I am the reason why this happend.

 

[Justmehere]

I think this is all my fault, I owerhelmed him with my emotions and care. I feel like selfish child, emotional abuser and manipulator, like all my intention to help only cause him pain.

He is flat out telling you it's not your fault. Why not take him at his word like he wants you to? He wants you to know and believe this isn't your fault.

You didn't cause his PTSD and he's describing something that happens very often for ptsd sufferer. Sometimes symptoms spike for reasons having nothing to do with the supporters in our life. It could be the time of year, the weather, someone we saw that triggered us, a conversation in therapy, or that we are trying to work through something, often, for a time, I will try to carry on as usual and then I will respins very strongly to something in a relationships that didn't deserve that response because really, I was struggling with something else. I will often take a little space to get my feet under me before connecting with the person again so I don't just keep responding to them in a way that doesn't fit, and is really about something else. It's a way to preserve relationship with someone who was not at fault.

This is a super confusing thing for most supporters to understand, and I can see how this feels like he is rejecting you. I don't think he is. I think he's trying to actually make thins work the best way he knows how right now.

I don't know if there left anything I can do for him or if there is a way how to show him love the way he can accept.

Love for a ptsd sufferer sometimes means having the patience of a saint and giving them space until they are ready to reconnect. That can be an incredibly powerful way to show love.

It's very tough, and you may need to find ways to care your you and connect with friends more in the meantime to get through it - and it's not a path for everyone. It's really hard to do and sometimes people simply need more connection and reassurance than a ptsd relationship can provide sometimes and that's ok. Don't ignore what you need.

But also take him at his word when he tries to tell you it's not your fault and not about you.

 

[boodle]

Dear @tobunika in my opinion, which could be wrong of course, the best way to support your partner is by giving him some space to sort his internal struggle. He appears to have been very honest and clear in what he needs to sort himself out. He has not blamed you at all in his text so please do not be so hard on yourself. I would let him have his space, this will enable him to sort himself out quicker. The key is not to pressure him. You cannot push the river, patience and compassion is needed right now. I'm sure he will appreciate that from you. Good luck my friend and we are always here to support you if you need.

 

[tobunika]

@Justmehere I've just realized he did exactly what I asked him Thursday: "Please, if you feel bad, call me. I'm here."

 

[tobunika]

@boodle @Justmehere thank you for your insight.

I'll give him space and time, like he "asked".

 

[Justmehere]

He's trying and you are trying and I admire both your efforts to navigate this. :hug:

 

[boodle]

He's trying and you are trying and I admire both your efforts to navigate this. :hug:

Well said @Justmehere :)

 

[boodle]

@Justmehere I've just realized he did exactly what I asked him Thursday: "Please, i...

Yes, sometimes everything appears so foggy we miss things. It happens to me a lot but I'm learning too. Give yourself a big up for spotting this! :tup: