SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I just feel like I need to vent. I'm trying, I am. I had an ankle sprain and then knee fall right when I was finally getting some control on my mental issues, and I fell apart again. 2 weeks of bedrest. Struggling to work. Now I'm doing 10 days of 1h physio therapy daily. I also had my first MRI and hugely dissociated after it for several hours. I'm trying to use the physio time productively, work on breaking down goals into manageable pieces, journaling to vent out the chaos in my head, studying... I am late on rent. I need psychiatrist again to adjust my meds because I'm really depressed, and having few but huge panic attacks (mostly situational, but if I don't handle them they will linger) that throw me off my schedule. There is free therapy I want to try. But with 1h physio per day I hardly get to have extra time for these 10 days(or more, depends how things heal). I am late with bills, with rent. I'm looking for cheaper place and applying for jobs but it takes time. I'm trying to be upfront with my landlord and with anyone I owe money to, and talk to them. Being honest doesn't make me any less of a mess and change still takes time and feels like forever.
Everything feels so hard the last week that I made a countdown of the days. I plan and I do and I try, but change is slow and I have few moments a day when I get so anxious I feel like my heart will stop. I also get few moments where I feel hopeless. Every day. It's suffocating. I'm counting the days until the end of the month, because if I end the month and I have paid everything and finished my physio and apartment hunting and I still have a roof over my head, I'll be lucky. I'm doing my best, but what if I'm too late and my best isn't enought to survive this situation? I'm suffocating, I feel so hopeless. I'm trying to change but I'm not sure I believe in change right now. I'm trying to make self-care tracker and try to exercise, and do DBT and CBT work and go through my appointments in better health. I'm trying to make sense and break down the chaos around me. It feels like I'm a huge failure. My work is a mess, my finances are a mess, my health is failing me and I am just trying to get through and I feel like I'm failing. I'm still trying though.
Anyone who wants to suggest more coping skills please do. For now I have CBT, DBT(still learning), working out, journaling and hot baths. When I draw or read it helps me, but when in bad state it's hard to get myself to do these things....
Everything feels so hard the last week that I made a countdown of the days. I plan and I do and I try, but change is slow and I have few moments a day when I get so anxious I feel like my heart will stop. I also get few moments where I feel hopeless. Every day. It's suffocating. I'm counting the days until the end of the month, because if I end the month and I have paid everything and finished my physio and apartment hunting and I still have a roof over my head, I'll be lucky. I'm doing my best, but what if I'm too late and my best isn't enought to survive this situation? I'm suffocating, I feel so hopeless. I'm trying to change but I'm not sure I believe in change right now. I'm trying to make self-care tracker and try to exercise, and do DBT and CBT work and go through my appointments in better health. I'm trying to make sense and break down the chaos around me. It feels like I'm a huge failure. My work is a mess, my finances are a mess, my health is failing me and I am just trying to get through and I feel like I'm failing. I'm still trying though.
Anyone who wants to suggest more coping skills please do. For now I have CBT, DBT(still learning), working out, journaling and hot baths. When I draw or read it helps me, but when in bad state it's hard to get myself to do these things....
