Healthy arguments?

[littleoc]

Someone taught me that arguements are an important part of healthy relationships and can help resolve issues within the relationship.

This confused the crap out of me. My dad was a psychopath so I didn't argue with him until I got old enough to fight back.

But even after I got him out, I was not to argue with my mom, or my sister, and any arguements with my brothers turned bad and guilty.

In my friendship/relationship with my ex, I always agreed that every problem in the relationship was my fault, and it was my responsibility to fix it. To the point of my identity being seriously messed with.

Being told that relationships aren't a trigger that causes physical or mental danger? Very confusing. Clearly I was taught... in a manipulative/controlling way.

Can someone help me understand what a healthy arguements is like? Is that possible?

Thanks :)

 

[mumstheword]

When respect, honesty, integrity and love form the foundation upon which the relationship is formed, then difference of views, expressions of anger, heated passionate exchanges, are not a threat to the integrity of the relationship..In fact, they strengthen it, because communicating and allowing the other to see the side of you that is hurting or not in agreement and coming to a clearer understanding of the other, allowing the other to see you in your vulnerability, because you are communicating what you deeply care about, or are hurt by, creates deeper intimacy.

It's about accepting and loving despite differences and vulnerabilities and the less "pretty" side. Its about loving and allowing the whole person to reveal themselves and still being there, without trying to manipulate, appease, coerce, blindsight, bully, shut down or avoid, instead communicating, feeling and getting past the hurt and oftentime, projection and 90/10 (90 % past stuff and only 10% the present issue, or some such statistical metaphor) which is a lot of what passes for relational "arguments".

Owning your side of it but not taking on what's not your's to own. Practising healthy boundaries. Getting to the bottom of it; the truths of what's really going on.

Does any of this make sense? @littleoc ?

 

[littleoc]

Does any of this make sense? @littleoc ?

I reread it slowly, in parts, and several times, trying to pick out the pieces. The part sticking out the most to me is that a relationship won't fall apart if someone speaks up?

No one will get so angry that they disappear on you or withdrawal affection? I mean, people aren't perfect about this, I'm guessing? But close enough?

I try to carefully word my criticism to show I'm not judging, but often I'm afraid of hurting the other's feelings. Issues with my mom, i think?

But I suppose it's none of my business if people don't appreciate my honesty?

I think it's slowly making sense, thank you :)

 

[ILoveLife]

Any type of relationship has closer and further apart moments, I suppose that should be respected in terms of arguments.
Avoiding name calling, avoiding excessive and petty criticism, any sort of verbal abuse really, and being able to be open about being angry with something is all healthy. Even if it turns out we are not absolutely correct in our judgement of what is making us angry.

I think a healthy argument happens when we are secure enough of our friend, partner, family member, or whoever we may be having the argument with, without the need to either shove them apart or hold them too close.
It's been my experience anyway.

 

[Mee]

I don’t think of my having a difference of opinion with my partner as an argument.

Because honesty is not only welcome but considered wanted and the idea is that we each want the other to be happy and will try and find a good compromise or deal.

I am not afraid to show my faults, admit my failings or mistakes to my partner and hear his with support and love.

Is it perfect? No! Nothing is. His reaction when I told him about my rape, for example, was not ’ideal’; but he is human and my reaction was also not perfect because I bottled it up and did not adequately communicate the impact.

So....we talked about it. We don’t pretend we won’t get things wrong again, but we apologise we make effort to correct the situations that lead to miscommunication.

I have shouted and cried. A few times. I do not believe my partner has ever raised his voice even.

 

[Friday]

For IDEAL arguments, check out 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.Dead Link Removed It’s required reading in most university intro to communication classes and it does a phenom job in explaining multiple ways to argue with someone to a good purpose.

Very much remember these are an ideal.

Some of the healthiest arguing out there? Doesn’t look anything like that! People are shouting, and waving their arms, and swearing, and stomping, and slamming doors, and growling, and refusing to say anything, and glaring, and a thousand other things... and no one is hurt. Not physically, not mentally/emotionally. Neither is anyone threatened.

There is a really huge range of behaviors in normal/healthy interaction.

 

[Mach123]

Who gets to say what happens next? I said this to my partner forever. I think we both see it now and we sort of observe it or we are "mindful." (I hate all those words lol) We never fought about anything, we just discussed who was going to get to decide what happens next. Who's on top? I used to fight like hell and my PTSD was tied up in it of course. When I feel like I'm being 'made' to do a thing, I feel trapped. My wife is a very dominant female though she'd deny it. She always gave me plenty of choices that are not really choices lol. No more arguments for me. If you think it's healthy, you go ahead! : )