Intense Fear in Healthy Relationships

[Mattie34]

I keep having horrible horrible dreams. Dreams that I don’t love him anymore. Dreams of being back with my exes and being treated horribly. It’s starting to get unbearable. I know I love him, but this anxiety has pushed me away so so far. It’s severed the connection. I don’t know what to do because I really want to be with him and love him and go through life with him. But this is so so hard. I’m losing sleep and I can’t get myself to go to work. It’s hard to get up. There are moments where I feel this intense love for him so I know it’s there. I don’t want to break his heart but I fear I’m not ready. My body isn’t letting me love him like he deserves and like I want to. What do I do?

 

[Defaultxlove]

I don’t know how to fix the whole situation but I think if you could journal about maybe relationship differences. Or figure out what you need to heal inside yourself to feel more confident.

Is there any evidence to your fears? That you’re not ready?

 

[arfie]

hello mattie. welcome to the forum.

i am coming up on my 45th wedding anniversary and still suffer frequent bouts of relationship anxieties, starting with whose measuring stick do i use to judge whether my relationship is healthy. i have several chronic divorcees in my life who don't believe it is a healthy relationship. they keep me well supplied with divorce lawyer referrals.

i ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) exercises to manage this gnarly symptom. with the acceptance step, i let it be okay that i am afraid AGAIN. i share those fears with trusted peer supporters and take care to keep as much of that fear out of hubby's face. it is not his fault and fears are quite contagious. our relationship stays much healthier when each of us handle these kinds of fears in separate therapy support circles. we're not keeping secrets. we just avoid rubbing this gnarly shit in beloved faces.

but that is me and every case is unique. every relationship is more unique than the two individuals involved.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

 

[Rose White]

i let it be okay that i am afraid AGAIN.

This resonates with me. Am in a brand new relationship and this comes up. If I can wait and sit with it and give myself some care then I’m usually in a better place than if I were to react right away to my feelings.

 

[anthony]

I really want to be with him and love him and go through life with him.

This is what you want.

I fear I’m not ready.

This is the problem to everything you have described. The go-to for most in this situation, self-sabotage. Which it seems you're doing.

So... what do you fear about being in a loving relationship with this man?