Sufferer Hello All ! Newly Diagnosed With Ptsd

[Alexander12]

Hello all . I was very recently diagnosed with ptsd . Long history of child abuse . A lot of violence at home and pretty much lived in fear constantly not to do the wrong thing and get beat up . Also was constantly put down and either called a liar about what was going on ( alcoholic mom ) or just made to feel like a constant disappointment father's side . In short having kids seemed a major nuisance to these people . I was shipped off when I was 18 to the states with 400 dollars and a one way ticket and that was that . No coming back even if I wanted to . I have had periods in life where I have done absolutely great . I was a broker in the CBOT when i was 21 I had a record deal when I was 23 and now Im a ceo of a fairly big company and im 34 . Thing is I would always crash and crash hard at some point . Locked my self in the house /not pick up phones / didnt pay bills just nothing for months on end. I was terrified . I was never a depressive tipe always positive . After years of misdiagnoses ( due to having a good career ) if finally got the PTSD one . Wich the more i read about it I see my self in a nutshell . I recently crashed again and completely screwed things up for the company because I just could not handle going to the damn shower let alone doing anything else .my son passed a few years ago wich send me down the whole and I lost the love of my life also because she would just not get why I would get like that and after 8 years its understandable. I just go back to that point of not wanting to do or say anything in case I get my ass kicked again . Im on meds wich seem to make a world of a difference . ( I never realised my head was so messed up until I started these things . ) And going to therapy . Im scared but quietly optimistic . I just wanted to say thank you to all the posters here you all have been very helpful and have opened my eyes to a lot of things . I think recovery is going to be a long process since I have had this for so long its almost like relearning how to be a person again .And for once I don't blame my self for everything :) Again I just wanted to say thank you all for being so brave and posting here . It has helped me immensely .

 

[garden]

Welcome :) You've come to the right place, there are many who can relate to you, and offer support and comfort.

its almost like relearning how to be a person again

This is how it feels to me too.

 

[Alexander12]

Thank you very much :)

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Welcome Alexander. My diagnosis was also too many years to understand the why's of my life falling apart. Friends and family shunning me, losing my business, my home, most of all I lost me. This is a place of solace for me. Disturbing to feel so much pain that others bare. Yet not alone anymore. Just recently started meds that are helping, and a T that I can't believe I was so lucky to find on the first try. Hard to know it will be for life the roller coaster. Agree on the self blame and guilt, working on heaving all that off me, a lighter load.

 

[TXbandit]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Alexander12]

Hey @Changeling ! Thanks for the kind words. I think they not blaming your self is a big thing . It made my life unbearable at times because I was successful and stable at times and something would trigger it and I would just go back to that place where taking a shower was a challenge let alone anything else . I felt horrible for years for letting everyone down and especially the woman I loved . But the more I read about this I just know its something that was out my hand at the time . And I did try I went to the therapy for a long time but they always got it wrong . Try not ever blame your self nothing but bad stuff comes out if . Its important to look back and lear from ones mistakes but dont blame your self . You did what you could at the time . I wish you the best of luck and I am here if you ever need to talk :)

 

[Alexander12]

Thanks @TXbandit it feels good :)

 

[TXbandit]

:happy:

 

[intothelight]

@Alexander12

Welcome and I hope you find the posts here helpful. If possible, seek a good trauma therapist as working through the trauma will help with stability.

 

[gmleo]

Hi Alex.

We had the same childhood it seems, except the parents were reversed. My Dad was the violent drunk and my Mum the depressive.

I have no advise for you, we are all different and find different ways to cope.
It sounds like you're on the right path.

I can relate to what you said about losing people and crashing/ self-sabotage.
When you look back though at what you've been through, is it really that surprising? Especially considering you had no idea you had PTSD, you didn't even know you were angry.
You were just trying to do the best you could in life, to be normal.
Your only crime Alex, is just you tried to live a normal life, which is no crime at all !

I don't yet have my own official diagnosis, then again I don't really need it.
Much like you, the more I researched PTSD and C-PTSD the more I realised and said to myself, "That's Me!"

For me, the realisation moment triggered something, a switch inside myself, a kind of Eureka moment.
"This is something that was done to me, not something that is inherently wrong me with!"
I was able to re-evaluate past events in my mind in a whole new light, from a new perspective.
It gave me clarity, it gave me some mental and emotional freedom, just knowing it, labeling it.

It also brought a whole new bunch of problems, but at least I have something I can work with now, rather than just trying to fit in and live a normal life at the same time living in fear of the inevitable self sabotage.
That's just no life at all.

Thoughts. That's what I can control, sometimes, and I find that makes the difference.
I force myself to turn a negative into a positive, no matter how slight the positive, I cling to it for dear life.
Even if that thought is, "everything is better after sleeping on it".

For me it's finding what works.
For me, I can't work for other people, never could, never will. Just can't cope with the 9-5, I will crash one day, not be able to attend on my low days, will the best will in the world, out of my control.
I'd need a Very understanding boss.
By working for myself I'm able to be more flexible, I might annoy a client once in a while but I don't lose my job because of it.
That relieves a ton of stress... which is what it's all about.

I know this is going to sound familiar, so I'll make it a Question for you, for all of you readers actually.
You have highs, productive times, you earn, you're getting organised, things are going well, then the cloud appears, you feel it a few days before it happens, sometimes.
The Crash, the low times, hard to stay positive, you know you have deadlines but can't leave the house.
Annoying right?
When the light comes, the dark cloud lifts, you lift yourself up again and start trying to salvage everything you just abandoned.
It's like a cycle, so many times, over and over, the same thing.
Drives me insane!
So the question, let's call it "damage limitation".
What "tools?" have you found that are useful for limiting the damage when you're suffering a low periods?
Hard to explain what I mean... I'm trying to get in front of the pending Crash, and so inflict minimal damage so I can get just pick up where I left off when things improve Instead of spending ALL my productive time cleaning up the mess.

One good bit of advice for myself is 'Eat before you Tweet!'

 

[Alexander12]

@intothelight . Thank you very much . I do currently have a therapist but I do find the man to be a tad archaic in his approach . Im currently looking for another one . This being Norway though it does take a few weeks to switch .

 

[Alexander12]

@gmleo

Thank you very much for the kind words . As far as damage limitation this is what I have learned and done this time . That being said I am new to this diagnosis so what I previously thought was my anxiety was getting out of hand and I alway tried to do the " Man up /snap out of it blah blah blah " approach wich might have helped in the short term but never lead me to any real long term solutions . This time I did it a bit different .

Here are some general tips that i'm trying to use and again please remember I am new to this approach :

1) A healthy money reserve to get through a few months with out worries . ( had not done that but im sure that would help a lot with alleviating some of the stress )

2) I emailed work immediately when I felt the crash coming and told them to take some responsibilities off of me . Of course the did not understand but the fact that there is legal documentation of me trying to be professional and pre emptive will go a long was if anything goes wrong .

3) I contacted a psychiatrist and my doctor asap and told them how I fee and that I need help . Having people around you monitoring you makes a world of a difference .

4 ) I told people around me of what the condition is and how it affects me and to my surprise the response has been overwhelmingly helpful .

5) when I do have a bad day like I did today for example ..It took me like 7 hours to pick up the first phone call I try to remind my self that it is not me doing this and its this condition I have . I dont use it s an excuse but I think I manage to do two things by doing so . a) I actually give validity to the diagnosis rather than blame it on my self as I used to do wich had a way worse effect on me and B) I manage to disassociate my self from the problem making it easier to deal with . In the sense that its the condition I am fighting not my self .

6) I try to enforce some routines on my self . Working out and eating regularly . Even if I don't feel like doing it I will try and force my self to do it . And on a bad day where I do not manage to do it . I try not to beat my self up about it ,rest up , and try again the next day .

I am not a therapist and you should definitely consult one before listening to me . But I find these things help me avoid going down the whole completely :)

Thanks for the kind words and I am here if you ever need to talk ! :)