Thanks Swift mate. I started this thread almost a couple of weeks ago and I'm feeling much better now thank God. So the depression ain't really troubling me too much right now but as you know that could change in the blink of an eye. Just got to stay aware I suppose and to keep a weather eye on triggers like that nasty shrink.
Luckily I don't have to see him again but mate I was on the verge of knocking his f*cking block off his shoulders. Pompous conceited arrogant big headed bombastic misogynistic snobby c*nt. I still haven't heard from the dole about my sickness benefits so I still haven't sent the letter of complaint. Oh but I will bloody send it when the time is right mate. I can't let him get away with treating me like that. I handled myself with aplomb and only because I've got half a brain in my head and have been dealing with shrinks for many years. But what if some other woman not as on the ball as me and with little or no experience of wankers like him comes against him? He'd have a bloody field day with her and she would be left feeling like shite. And then maybe pick up the drink and drugs again.
I've got to protect other people from him especially the vulnerable ones. Bastard his time is coming. Lol :) briefly mentioned him in my relapse prevention group the other day I just said I didn't like him and the least said about that the better, and not only did everyone agree with my assessment of him but they also laughed like drains :) so it was nice to know I'm not alone in seeing that twat for what he is plus like you Swift I do get a kick out of making people smile.
You could say I'm the class clown in that group but that's not to say I don't take it bloody seriously. Because recovery really is a matter of life or death. And that applies not just to addiction or alcoholism but also very much to PTSD. But like you mate I like to keep things light and breezy, nice and easy :) because I believe recovery should be fun and enjoyable rather than an ordeal or a chore. That's not to say I don't acknowledge the dark side of the matter because I do hence the depression about which I started this very thread.
But I try to keep things in balance and in perspective. I don't want to go to the extremes like I always did before when I was using and drinking. I am aiming for the 'middle way' as the Buddhists teach. Trying to stay stable and when I find myself wobbling use the tools I'm learning in recovery to correct my course as it were and bring myself back on an even keel.
But it ain't a walk in the bloody park mate or for the faint hearted Swift mate as you well know. It's a daily programme and you have to work at it day in day out. Yeah I have days especially when I'm depressed when I feel I just can't be f*cking arsed but those are the days I have to try that bit harder. It's difficult when you're running on empty and you feel bloody knackered and drained but when I make the effort it really does pay dividends. Maybe not instantly sometimes it takes a few days but it does always happen eventually.
It's progress over perfection my friend :) and as long as I keep moving forwards and I don't allow myself to get stuck in the depression (which when I'm going through it feels like I'm wading through thick black dark treacle) (or quicksand) I don't have to get it 100% right. I have to cut myself a bit of slack and ease up on the self criticism and give myself credit where credit is due.
Which is bloody tough to achieve especially when you've been beaten down your entire life by arseholes telling you over and over again how worthless useless and rotten you are. Try to change the mental and emotional habits of a lifetime is no mean feat Swift. But I'm glad to say I'm getting there. Sometimes slowly sometimes quickly but it will always materialise if I work for it. (Sorry quoting The Promises from AA there lol :))
The local drug and alcohol clinic just rang me to offer me a new key worker. A bloke no less. I said 'no bloody way, you must be f*cking joking after the way men have abused me my whole life, I can't work in partnership on my recovery in key work sessions with a bloke, I'm going to hold out for a woman instead'. The lady I spoke to completely understood fortunately and I told her I don't mind working with guys in groups etc but not on a one to one basis because I just don't bloody trust them. It felt bloody good to be able to set a healthy boundary for myself and to feel acknowledged and respected for my point of view. Makes a nice change eh :)
So I'm starting the arts and crafts group tomorrow at Spectrum (this clinic) and then the cookery group Friday. And I will continue with relapse prevention on a Monday. I'm averaging 5 AA meetings a week since my hiatus over Easter plus I go to Spiritualist Church weekly plus I get mahoosive support from you lovely people on this forum :)
I have also made a really good friendship with a nice lady called Teresa who attends both Spectrum and AA. She's a bit of a madarse lol but lovely with it :) bloody full on and very in yer face and intense so I think I will just have to enjoy her in small doses lol :) but we clicked straight away and I think (well I hope) we'll be mates for life :) I've haven't seen her since Monday but that's OK because I know she ain't going anywhere and nor am I. T has a job a teenaged son and a whole life separate to me and I've never been one to be a Kling On in my friendships in the past anyway. I don't like to live in other people's pockets or be joined at the hip if you know what I mean lol :) I'm pretty independent and emotionally self sufficient but then again I've had to be in order to survive. Although I was definitely codependent in other ways part with my evil ex. But those days are now gone thank Christ.
And she's not my only friend now either thanks to Spectrum and AA. I've got another mate called Lil who goes to Spectrum but not AA. She was the one who let me down over Easter but all's forgiven now lol :) reconnected with her at relapse prevention a couple of days ago and I'll see her tomorrow at the arts and crafts group.
There's also another lady at Spiritualist Church who is also really nice called Stacey. I'd like to get to know her better. She has pink hair and is a bit of an original like me lol :) she's also a powerful natural healer like me. I took T to church with me Sunday just gone and Stacey did the healing for her at the start of the service. T has a skin condition which means she itches all over especially at night when she is tired and stressed out. Stacey David (the medium that night) T and I linked energetically with Upstairs and together we formed a 'circuit' to heal T of her problem and start her on the way to carry on healing herself. I spoke to T last night on the phone and she said without me even asking that that she is hardly itching at all now and is amazed by it because it's been a long standing issue ever since her mum and husband died within 5 months of each other 2 years ago. Well without T realising it those were the Spirits us healers and mediums connected with Sunday night to get the healing process going. And none of us can take the credit for it because its God's power not ours that did it. We're just clear channels and instruments for His good works on the earthly plane. And it's not special to us because literally anyone can learn how to do it. It's just stronger in some people than in others.
I've always had the ability but it was getting blocked by the booze pot depression and anxiety (negative energy in simple terms). It's all about the awareness and emotions (energy in motion). I'm just glad we were able to help my mate really. I also gave her some extra healing regarding her unresolved grief around her mum and husband. The skin irritation is a physical manifestation of her anger at losing her loved ones. Because everything that shows up in our bodies starts on a soul/mind/emotional level. It's all energy you see.
I've asked T to write 3 letters to her grief. One for anger one sadness and one for fear. I've offered to read them to validate her fee around her grief for her but told her if she didn't want to do that it was fine. But after T has written those letters and got all that negativity out of her she must burn the letters. Or I will for her. Fire is cleansing and purification you see. Energy again. I've also told T to write as much as she wants and as many letters as necessary until she has purged herself of all that negativity she has been holding onto that she needs to release.
I've also advised her to get more of the colour blue in her life. Yes colours are energy too. And blue is the healing colour. It also soothes calms and protects. It's also the colour of Truth. So then T told me she'd bought herself a royal blue trouser suit last week and she did know why at the time she was just drawn to it for 'some reason'. Lol we had a good laugh when I explained that her mum and husband in Spirit had guided her to pick that colour because they knew before T did what she needed and all I was doing was just confirming it for them :) I'm just the messenger :)
So I'm thrilled to be able to make a positive difference to my mate's life. It's true what we say in AA. You have to give it away in order to keep it :) and by helping others you help yourself and also get help from the people you are helping too. It's all really circular.
Well that's the end of Metaphysics lesson 101 Swift I hope you and others got something out of what I've learnt for myself down the years and more recently especially since going back to Spiritualist Church. I've learnt you have to pass that knowledge on and hand back the negativity to the ones who caused you to feel it yourself in the first place. Anything left over you pass Upstairs for Him to take care of. I have a golden spiritual box in my head and every day over the last week since recovering from my depression I have been chucking all the rotten nasty negative emotions and memories from the past including memories and feelings around my own mistakes and character defects, in that box. At the end of the day when I do my prayers I seal the box in my head using my imagination with purple 'duct tape' stick a label on it marked 'Heaven' then send it Upstairs by Express delivery 24 Hours Signed For lol :) might sound silly peeps but it is bloody well working for me :) remember in spiritual and energetic terms the thought really is the deed. So try it. No harm in doing it and no harm if it doesn't work for you :) you've got nothing to lose but everything to gain :)
Cheers Swift my little Oz mate. One of these days I'll be getting a passport and will be hopping on a plane to see ya :) I've already dreamt it so I know its going to happen mate :) don't know when could be soon could be later. But I often find my dreams really do come true :) hope yours do too darling. The nice ones anyway!!! :)
Love and Light as always B xxx
