Hello Everyone

[TooMuch]

I found this forum accidently. I had looked before and found nothing, this looks like it could be a home fo me.

My story is long, abused childhood, many tragedies I had to deal with too young, outsider hard to make and especially keep friends. About age 40 I started trying to develop people skills. Suicide runs deep in my family, lost my baby sis and 42 to drug overdose and then my brother at 42 also to the same thing. About 8 years ago I was burned severly, almost died, in a comma for 5 days, spent 2 months in hospital, insurance company visted me after I came out of the coma and told me they wouldnt pay so i had no insurance. That put me in the charity ward, got treatment but was treated badly by most thank God for the few that made it up and treated me as well as they could. I didn't get what I should have, later in bothers me badly that I was treated third class and I knew when I got out I had lost everything I owned. I got out of the hospital and a few weeks later while I was trying to get my life together my little brother died, drug od. 3 weeks later my oldest friend who I was very close too died in a car accident. Just two weeks later one of my best freinds who visted me 3 times a week in the hospital killed himself using a firearm he bought from me because his wife left him.

Lots of other unhappy and tragic stuff but that hits the highlights. I hesitate telling my story because it's some much that I fear people will not believe this much can happen to one person.

I have just recently come to the conclusion that I have suffered PTSD before the burning accident. There was abuse that efected my childhood and teen years, I know believe that is why I was such a risk taker, tried so hard for people to like me, would do anything, took everything so personal, rejection killed me, never thought I had a future, many relationships went bad, married 4 times, acoholism but never too much with drugs. Oh yeh and many jobs several carreers started and not finished.

Since the big accident I tried to learn more about PTSD and started to wonder if I had it long ago. The accident was extremely traumatic, 50-50 chance to live, going thru the neccessary torture in the hospital. Now I have an understanding SO but we have money problems all the time so that makes the relationship not as good as it could be. I want so bad to be close to my son and daughter but they don't understand. They remember their old dad who seemed to thrive when challenged, now I'm just about worthless, I hide from anything that might be stressful, can't make decisions and worry something will happen to them.

I know it is difficult for others to understand. I won't stick up for myself don't want to hurt others but can't live up to their expectations. I hate who I've become but can't seem to do anything about it. I can't force myself to do the things I used to love to do, I go weeks at a time without getting out of bed, not even showering or brushing my teeth. Someway somehow I have to break this cycle.

Thanks for letting me vent, I hope I've not deppressed anyone by reading my pathetic story and further than they are.

 

[GodSeeker]

Hello TooMuch,

Welcome to the forum!! You have been through a lot my friend but do not worry about the pathetic story because some here including myself have had too much pain too.

And yes, I understand perfectly the difficulty to break the cycle, how hard it is to "Change" -wityh capital C. We know precisely what we have to do to get out our state but somehow we do nothing.

I hope you will find some strengthening peace here and find out that there is understanding and that you are not alone.

GodSeeker

 

[pebbels]

Hello TooMuch, wow your not kidding it certainly is alot that you have been through, your story is not pathetic it is real and it is what you have endured and you will find many on here who have also had too much to bare.
Welcome to the forum tm where you will find empathy and understanding. There are alot of great people here who as you share will find them to be very helpful and supportive.

All the best

Pebs

 

[Sunventurer]

Hello, TooMuch,

I'm so sorry to hear all that you have been through and are going through... I'm new to this site too, but I feel sure that people here will believe all that you have said, and also will have a lot of understanding and empathy for your feelings and experiences. You said it's a 'pathetic story', but it doesn't seem that in any way to me - it seems like so very much for you to go through and no wonder you are feeling like this. I think a lot of other people here will also have felt similar kinds of feelings and fears.

It takes courage to write about these things, especially when you don't know if you will be believed or rejected, or when you're worried that people will find it too much to bear listening to - and your post seems a very courageous step.

As other people have said, change is slow and hard, and it is very difficult to break the cycles - they are complex and deep-rooted and it is difficult to get good support out there. But I hope that finding this forum will feel like a heartening, strengthening step for you. I know everyone's experiences are individual, but there is a lot in common too, and finding somewhere like this to communicate with others who have real insight into trauma and PTSD, gives more chance to support and encourage each other and be more hopeful about change.

All for the moment, but take care, TooMuch, and wishing you and everyone some strengthening moments today. I look forward to hearing/talking with you again.

Sunventurer

 

[Llama]

Most of us realize that an introductory post probably has triggering information inside, so we won't read it until we're stable and able to handle it. Don't worry about what you are posting affecting anyone else, it's up to us to take care of us, and up to you to take care of you. Once you've been here a little while longer you'll read many posts from people who feel that no one will believe them because they've been through too much to sound real. It is sadly all to common for the bad to multiply around us. I'm glad you found the forum though, it's good to be able to communicate with people who feel a lot of the same things, and have been through some of the same things as well.