Undiagnosed Hello From Belgium.

[LaraGeel]

Hello to everybody, I am Lara, 42 from city Geel in Belgium.

A time ago I was on a dutch talking forum for PTSD, but I've left there. Just I can't stay there and what I've read is, sorry to say : Must I say low ? Must I say with persons that so emotional and talking about their God therapist. But I leave a message and left, cause I was a stranger and you know, somebody get that far ... I was the one I did a phone-call to her (Her paranoia). Maybe it was not on my level or fighting in getting my rights and a new life (Cause I have to keep my head up being a little bit different). Yes, I am in a personal program called LIfe-Changing-Events. Maybe later more.

I've just found this forum in some weeks ago, but I could not get information so I decided to register me here. By knowledge I could make me a digital photoshopped image in 2009 that things hit me and remember me back. As a ventilator at the ceiling mixed with an army chopter ... Cause I remember those Vietnam movies on TV. But I am not involved in Combat or War.

Begin November 2013, due things happened or somebody seeded with a goal or stupidity a kind of a power-vacuum. Not going in details, on a monday I got flooded with intense powerless feelings & fear and I could say " abuse" "abuse" "abuse", I wrote the Department of Police who controls police to let this know ... to break the heavy feelings flooded over me (Cause I know a cause that let to this happenings). A day after this I received some books to read about PTSD. (Again a hole in my head ... but I know some psychological doors opened and closed in my head). At saturday I took a shower, but that shower was 'not to that kind it was'. I was standing very small, as being fearful, as a little kid or somebody ... but it went over. The week after and some days, I was really not feeling good about the week before : Cause this strong thing didn't happened me before, secondly, I am emotionally upside/down with the emotions that week. So ... it's since then I am really not me anymore, I am somebody else I guess.

I've felt me abused. Either from the past coming up, or mixed withe the now. Let say that somebody see I am fearful and knowing I told I have PTSD, but used it on me. After that there was a moment that there were days standing up empty out of my bed ... feeling empty. Even I told me in the morning, just laying in my bed, that I will cut *************** so after 3 days they will find me. Must be around beginning December 2013. And I know I needed to pull me out the house, and go to a separate building to build somebody. To break my mood ...

Recently I've found somebody via YouTube, who wants to be a friend a must as a medic knowing a lot of PTSD and C-PTSD. So I am used to talk hours with her, as she explained I must have a neglected childhood too. As my mom went in a Nervous Breakdown when I was 7, I've lost my best nephew I was 9 ( My best play friend). So I am getting the things, I must have PTSD, as what the woman said : " Your November thing = When all shit hit the fan ". Months before November I was emotionally down due discoveries about dad and the neighbors, not that my dad is pure bad (no no). But keeping for me a Status/Quo as being lost (to get more) to a narcicist being aside parents house.

So I know when my body is crying / mourning. Even it is silent crying in the breath in the morning.

When I've read the book : PTSD - No Comfort Zone, I can relate to intrusive thoughts I can have that are trying to break me down. I did before last summer cardio exercises but I've stopped, I have concentration break-downs as something is working in me and I am just standing still talking to nowhere, till the bomb exploded as I hit my closet doors, window and even the Ironing board so my knuckles in my hand hurted a lot. After irritated by people when I speed walked, cause I am a bit different, I've bought me a treadmill at home to exercise ... Within the mind, when I stand still of -things in my head-, the machine will throw me of.

There were moments I run on the machine, shouting and shouting till I stopped the machine. Or things coming up in the head and then I automatically I tend to stand still but the machine slows and pulls the belt under my feet to go on. One time I had it big, as a glitch in the matrix movie. So I explained Da Wolf (see link) and indeed it is a flashback. But she said to stop sporting and relax and do you a good thing at the moment. Cause go on with running when this happens in a high level = is running away from sub-concious fear I cannot see, it will higher the PTSD.

So I am a bit educated. Not feeling me that great ....

Lara

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi LaraGeel!

 

[LaraGeel]

Thanks for welcoming me. To add some info : In mid 2010 I was in hospital cause I noticed 24 hours of headaches, thought it was over in the morning, but it wasn't. Let say this cause is stress (for being a little bit different), stress to help my love financially, and the stress of fighting for your rights after blackmailed a second time to shut my mouth or others put me in front of court (Department of work in Belgium). So I had a mini brain-bleeding with a lot of luck.

In the summer of 2012, I've lost the capability to speak properly, suddenly in the lounge of my parents. I could understand them, but I couldn't put a word on paper, if it was on paper ... I could not read it, my brain went wrong so it was chinese for me. Talking was chinese too. And this is a traumatic event, and hoping all is coming back (Oh yeah). And it came back between the soup and the potato's. But checking up at a local hospital, by extra stress, my body went in Epilepsy Mal Grande, they've said my fore-heart-chambers were filbrating. They gave me oxygen cause mu mother saw me turning blue (Smurfs eyes).

In 2013 a phone-call gave me I guess inside me a panic attack when I was warming up for cardio exercises. Having a heartbeat watch and waistband for a little week : I've read 227 BPM. But after a while I sported/exercised on, results are 5 days headaches. And ... A nice letter from the local hospital, (not telling now), I've managed 8 days headaches.

And ... I am used since 2010, that 1/2 month having headaches was normal for me. And now ... knowing and understanding ... it's the adrenaline giving me this pain afterwards ... As I can end back in a hospital. If I have today a headache ... I go crazy !

But I know that doors are opening, and my problem is a mix of causes and maybe interacting on them all.

So you have an idea, that I am used to loose my sporting qualities as falling back on the ground and building everything back up.

Lara.

Edit : I don't take pills for headaches; I have to monitor them for myself.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

Are you getting any type of therapy? I am not sure how the Belgium healthcare system works, but seeing a trauma therapist may be a good start.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

Debbie

 

[StarChild]

Recently I've found somebody via YouTube, who wants to be a friend a must as a medic knowing a lot of PTSD and C-PTSD. So I am used to talk hours with her, as she explained I must have a neglected childhood too. So I am getting the things, I must have PTSD, as what the woman said

Hi LaraGeel
Assumptions won't bring you nowhere near to healing. To really get a proper diagnosis, please consult a verified, experienced psychiatrist or therapist. Because: To experience a traumatic event, doesn't automatically lead to PTSD. And also, trauma isn't the same as PTSD.

I was on a dutch talking forum for PTSD, but I've left there. Just I can't stay there and what I've read is, sorry to say : Must I say low ? Must I say with persons that so emotional and talking about their God therapist....Maybe it was not on my level or

By reading this statement of yours, (which in my opinion doesn't really cast a positive light on either your introduction nor your intentions...), the following saying crossed my mind: "If a person comes to you and is talking bad about others, you can be sure, when with others, that person will talk bad about you." Maybe worth a thought...

Welcome to the forum.

 

[LaraGeel]

Hi LaraGeel
Assumptions won't bring you nowhere near to healing. To really get a proper diagnosis, please consult a verified, experienced psychiatrist or therapist. Because: To experience a traumatic event, doesn't automatically lead to PTSD. And also, trauma isn't the same as PTSD.

I am not gonna take this type of answers on me. No. One of the first solutions or answers is going for a MEG-scan, whereby one is available in Brussels (Belgium), but not for the general public. I've got this information from my good source, as I've researched it for myself too. There is a newer kind of MRI too, or it was another scanner that comes close with new advancements to find the PTSD and other kinds of problems in your head. I am not gonna take hours and money on therapist and psychiatrist, cause I know what damage they could do on me. I throw a lot out of my life, as they know it. I have my own life-problem, life-changing problem what is know in the worldwide circle with people as me, would not believed ... so my healthcare gets smaller and smaller too. As we need to educate doctors of problems they never saw or believed in. Quiet simple. If I go away from a forum, is it because I see low hemp to me and indeed there are persons who are deeply sunk away, and hoping a psychiatrist is the hold on (and sometimes with a false believe, cause they are sometimes always there for the money). If I say I have PTSD, I have a strong feeling into that, my self-study and knowing myself. And I know I can be Traumatic Distressed in the NOW or from the PAST. But what I NOW have to see and to handle is indeed sticking images in my head, going to police (who moved to a new building) with an idea/picture/imagination that just pops up with a nasty kind of image with things in it that happened (in the past). Mixed what is and keeps traumatic. it is just there ...

... it is this week I see what my brains does to protect me, slightly taken over and released me. And Gosh; I had seen some police cases people attacked me in that way. One explanation I did as what to write down, later on I was ... Let me say : This is not my answer. I could not even give a real opinion or answer back, And I am damned not proud on that : But it softly equals I had no intention to hurt somebody. When I went talking to a lawyer/advocate, she told me : " Lara, what's your problem, you gave a good answer. ".

If I told about the November thing in 2013, some days before monday I was to flooded with feelings that I am SO Powerless and some others : I had a strong smell when I cleaned dry cat-pee. Yes, I have a sporty cat who pee upstairs at a window-tile, it dripped down on my kitchen. I can't smell a thing, cause my nose was medically burned for some reason that it was needed. I can't smell gas ! I can't smell the ugly feeling people have about a poo-poo-box for cats what I need to clean. Nothing at all ... now explain me, I can suddenly smell. My source will tell, something happened and your body memories what happened, it can be recalled by the brain when something triggers. What happened to me in the week from Monday to Saturday, must be a flashback or a re-experience thing. I was emotionally out ! I was Lara standing under a shower with upper arms clamped to my body, under-arms pointing out and fingers that clamps in my hand. I am really saying : This never happened to me. This is feeling yourself very very very small, as like a kid, scary under a big shower. Do I have to prove myself to somebody.

Something happened at the department of work, when I was feeling small cause of my life-problem. To keep the story small, when I was called to the other department that see you really did your best to search work and you can keep your income or not, and this was the second time : By the blackmailing as slamming with a hammer on a person who is fearful 'outing' herself; I could only protect myself to taken a car and drive through the glass door and wall to the end where a woman sits : To crash her in a wall. This can be 10 years ago. But an ex-psychiatrist put me on depression at 66%+ disability. Now see here above what the insurance company even not know ... Did you have ever such an reaction to protect something, as I saw My New Life just taken away.

I know things now, that you can have (C-)PTSD from non-violent things. I know by looking at good videos, that you can get PTSD or other close related problems due being blamed and not believed : Even you did nothing wrong. And as a good source said, it can even come from your childhood. And what I know, is that I was slammed with a belt when my parents were I guess in a bad time. Even I know I filled my pants to joke my father that he can't hurt me : His answer was then : " Then I will slam harder. "

A mother that emotional blackmailed me in mid 30 : That she will kill herself, if I wanted to be myself. But she ended in hospital with taking more and more sleeping pills a day. Till an ambulance took her, and I was damned shaking or fear in my bed when I was living with my parents : That my dad will come angry in ...

I can't take your second answer to pin-point me about what you think about me. And even if a psychiatrist will say I have PTSD, or a machine as MEG-scan can find something : What's the difference at the end ?! - So read my profile ...