My alias is Samwell,
I was raised by my grandparents since the age of 6 months. They took me from my mother and father, my dad took his mother's side and when my mom wanted me back he beat her into submission (I was told by my younger sister that this continued for years, and for different reasons - especially when he was drunk (she witnessed and was told by mom). Being that this occurred in a foreign land, my poor mother had no rights. My grandfather was a high ranking general in the army, my mother was poor.
I have only bits and pieces of memories of the times when I was abused. I remember my grandmother squeezing me between her legs, I remember the smell, I remember my penis being infected and swollen when I was about seven or eight. So much hurt and pain.
I grew up thinking my parents abandoned me, and resented them for it until I learned the truth (four years ago). I didn't speak to my biological mother for years because I thought she abandoned me. I haven't seen her or any of my biological siblings in 27 years (two of my brothers I have never met in person) because my grandparents took me away to the US. I had a lot of anger growing up, low self esteem, I thought I was dirt.
My first marriage ended 6 years ago - partially due to lack of intimacy. Now I am married to a wonderful woman: smart, beautiful, truly kind hearted, and a hard working attorney to boot. We haven't had sex in over a year. "Why?" I thought this time around would be better. "Why?" I thought I was over the pain and the guilt; the thought that sex with a loved one is abuse. "Why, dear God, why?"
Now, my wonderful wife and I are having problems. It stems from my inability to be intimate with the person I love the most in this world. I was always afraid to talk about my "issues" with anyone. Well, maybe once or twice with a psychiatrist (who I saw during the divorce with my first wife, for situational depression). My wonderful wife is the first person I was completely honest with. And now she is suffering for it.
I suspected infidelity for the past month, found some clues; got angry and threatened to leave - I didn't have the heart, since it was my fault. She left two days ago and got a place closer to her work (about an hour away). We texted back and forth yesterday, the gist of it was me wanting to move on. Go back overseas and take care of my mother.
I saw guilt where there was none, she was faithful. She loves me. And I caused this wonderful person pain because of the guilt I have in my heart. She wanted to give me space, and at the same time be closer to work. She forgave me, and is coming home this Saturday. She has a lot of work to do, and the drive from our place is ridiculous!
Even while I was texting her that I wanted to leave, she pleaded with me not to, stating that she wanted to get my citizenship papers straightened away so I can petition mom. She loves me. We will have a talk this Saturday, I will show her how much I truly love her, and appreciate her for standing by me. I'm in tears as I write this because right now I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.
I felt I took care of my love. I work full time as a nurse. I cook, clean, do the laundry and chores. But I neglected intimacy, she didn't feel attractive, I hurt her heart. This is the first time I am writing my experience. Feedback would be truly appreciated. And prayers that I can make the love of my life happy again.
<Edit by Nyx - please add paragraphs for easy reading>
I was raised by my grandparents since the age of 6 months. They took me from my mother and father, my dad took his mother's side and when my mom wanted me back he beat her into submission (I was told by my younger sister that this continued for years, and for different reasons - especially when he was drunk (she witnessed and was told by mom). Being that this occurred in a foreign land, my poor mother had no rights. My grandfather was a high ranking general in the army, my mother was poor.
I have only bits and pieces of memories of the times when I was abused. I remember my grandmother squeezing me between her legs, I remember the smell, I remember my penis being infected and swollen when I was about seven or eight. So much hurt and pain.
I grew up thinking my parents abandoned me, and resented them for it until I learned the truth (four years ago). I didn't speak to my biological mother for years because I thought she abandoned me. I haven't seen her or any of my biological siblings in 27 years (two of my brothers I have never met in person) because my grandparents took me away to the US. I had a lot of anger growing up, low self esteem, I thought I was dirt.
My first marriage ended 6 years ago - partially due to lack of intimacy. Now I am married to a wonderful woman: smart, beautiful, truly kind hearted, and a hard working attorney to boot. We haven't had sex in over a year. "Why?" I thought this time around would be better. "Why?" I thought I was over the pain and the guilt; the thought that sex with a loved one is abuse. "Why, dear God, why?"
Now, my wonderful wife and I are having problems. It stems from my inability to be intimate with the person I love the most in this world. I was always afraid to talk about my "issues" with anyone. Well, maybe once or twice with a psychiatrist (who I saw during the divorce with my first wife, for situational depression). My wonderful wife is the first person I was completely honest with. And now she is suffering for it.
I suspected infidelity for the past month, found some clues; got angry and threatened to leave - I didn't have the heart, since it was my fault. She left two days ago and got a place closer to her work (about an hour away). We texted back and forth yesterday, the gist of it was me wanting to move on. Go back overseas and take care of my mother.
I saw guilt where there was none, she was faithful. She loves me. And I caused this wonderful person pain because of the guilt I have in my heart. She wanted to give me space, and at the same time be closer to work. She forgave me, and is coming home this Saturday. She has a lot of work to do, and the drive from our place is ridiculous!
Even while I was texting her that I wanted to leave, she pleaded with me not to, stating that she wanted to get my citizenship papers straightened away so I can petition mom. She loves me. We will have a talk this Saturday, I will show her how much I truly love her, and appreciate her for standing by me. I'm in tears as I write this because right now I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.
I felt I took care of my love. I work full time as a nurse. I cook, clean, do the laundry and chores. But I neglected intimacy, she didn't feel attractive, I hurt her heart. This is the first time I am writing my experience. Feedback would be truly appreciated. And prayers that I can make the love of my life happy again.
<Edit by Nyx - please add paragraphs for easy reading>
