Hello to all
My name is Lori-ann and I have been struggling with PTSD for a few years. My ex husband was violent and very abusive and did horrible things to me and our pets and even his elderly Grandmother. I have been separated from him for about 13 years though it took a while after the initial separation for the abuse to stop, and mostly my symptoms are a lot less severe than they used to be, but if I am honest with myself, I can see that many of them are still under the surface, barely.
In another post I read about hyper vigilance and at the moment I am going through a period of this. Most of the time it centers around other people and I find it's worse when I try or want to become close to someone, mostly men. I'm glad to hear its a part of the process, but I hate how disabling and powerless it can make me feel. Also, for me, I don't want to sound like a crazy person, so I keep my thoughts to myself about it. Sort of underneath not wanting to appear crazy is a fear that, if I am right and the person finds out, things could get really bad. But in my head, I make up crazy scenarios and I replay the other people's words over and over in my head until eventually, what started out as a nice sentiment or even a compliment such as "You are special" to use a recent example, turns into some sort of veiled threat or secret intent to harm me. Personally, right now, I have met a really nice guy, but am really struggling with trying to decide whether or not he's simply tricking me, playing me, with the intent to eventually cause me harm. When I analyze this, I realize that it all sounds ridiculous, that no person would ever spend that much time on such a convoluted plan and also that I don't deserve to be harmed, but to get the idea, from my rational mind, to my heart and then have me believe it, is something I struggle to attain.
Even though it's been quite a few year since the abuse from my ex-husband, it was severe and went on for years. I am recently in contact with him somewhat as he has been emailing my kids and that's when I felt my symptoms re-emerge on a large scale. I thought I was so much more healthy than I actually am. Yesterday after reading an email he sent to my son, I spun myself into a mode of panic, fear and paranoia for the entire day. Sick to my stomach, near hysterical, and non-stop crying. The last time my ex-husband actually put a hand on me was about 13 years ago. I am scared I'm going to have these symptoms forever and desperately want to be free to have happy and healthy relationships.
I'm very grateful to be here and look forward to sharing and learning and growing with all of you here.
Lori-ann~
My name is Lori-ann and I have been struggling with PTSD for a few years. My ex husband was violent and very abusive and did horrible things to me and our pets and even his elderly Grandmother. I have been separated from him for about 13 years though it took a while after the initial separation for the abuse to stop, and mostly my symptoms are a lot less severe than they used to be, but if I am honest with myself, I can see that many of them are still under the surface, barely.
In another post I read about hyper vigilance and at the moment I am going through a period of this. Most of the time it centers around other people and I find it's worse when I try or want to become close to someone, mostly men. I'm glad to hear its a part of the process, but I hate how disabling and powerless it can make me feel. Also, for me, I don't want to sound like a crazy person, so I keep my thoughts to myself about it. Sort of underneath not wanting to appear crazy is a fear that, if I am right and the person finds out, things could get really bad. But in my head, I make up crazy scenarios and I replay the other people's words over and over in my head until eventually, what started out as a nice sentiment or even a compliment such as "You are special" to use a recent example, turns into some sort of veiled threat or secret intent to harm me. Personally, right now, I have met a really nice guy, but am really struggling with trying to decide whether or not he's simply tricking me, playing me, with the intent to eventually cause me harm. When I analyze this, I realize that it all sounds ridiculous, that no person would ever spend that much time on such a convoluted plan and also that I don't deserve to be harmed, but to get the idea, from my rational mind, to my heart and then have me believe it, is something I struggle to attain.
Even though it's been quite a few year since the abuse from my ex-husband, it was severe and went on for years. I am recently in contact with him somewhat as he has been emailing my kids and that's when I felt my symptoms re-emerge on a large scale. I thought I was so much more healthy than I actually am. Yesterday after reading an email he sent to my son, I spun myself into a mode of panic, fear and paranoia for the entire day. Sick to my stomach, near hysterical, and non-stop crying. The last time my ex-husband actually put a hand on me was about 13 years ago. I am scared I'm going to have these symptoms forever and desperately want to be free to have happy and healthy relationships.
I'm very grateful to be here and look forward to sharing and learning and growing with all of you here.
Lori-ann~
