Hello-My First Post! My Boyfriend Has PTSD...

[Clarity99]

Hi everyone,

I'm really glad I found this forum. I just recently found out my boyfriend has PTSD. Its been a rough month. I want to be supportive but he tries to push me away. We had a truly amazing relationship and then everything suddenly changed. He told me about his traumatic experience and then told me he "couldn't handle" our relationship a few days later.

For the most part, I've respected his wishes and left him alone but its really difficult. I care about him so much and some days I feel as if I am abandoning him in his greatest time of need. But I also don't want to make the situation worse by stressing him out (by calling, e-mailing etc). I think he is just overwhelmed and exhausted because he barely sleeps, but I know that it is so much more and I can't really understand the extent of it. I think he feels guilty that he's not "good enough" for me right now and tends to isolate himself from everything. His family doesn't even know how much he suffers or that he has ptsd.

I have family members with other mental illnesses, so I don't take it personally but I really love him and want him to be ok. I realize its not that simple but I feel that I have the patience to help him through this (but he says he doesn't want me to wait for him, even though 5 months ago he was talking about marriage). It makes me so sad to think about how much he suffers.

I am the only person he's told about his ptsd so I am really torn. I want to respect his wishes but also know that he probably won't seek help on his own. I know only he can choose to deal with this but I don't want to just leave him and move on (as he requests). He is young (not even 20) and has been suffering like this for over 4 years.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :dontknow:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi and welcome to the forum....

By leaving him alone, and not calling, or sending him e-mails, you are already doing the best thing that you can do for him at this point.

I hope that your BF is in therapy, and trying to work on his issues, if not, when he is feeling better, please try to encourage him to do so...... Therapy is a must, as is getting a proper diagnosis.....

Hang around, read as much as possible, and maybe get your BF to join also....This is a great place for support, and knowledge.....

 

[Clarity99]

Hi She Cat,

Thanks for the welcome. He is not yet in therapy. He actually doesn't have an official diagnosis, but we both know he has ptsd from researching online. He has had nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety etc for more than 4 years. More than anything he does not want to "talk" about it, go to counseling etc.

He has already made a big step by reaching out to me (the first person he's ever told). And he did agree to see a friend of ours who does Reiki. I am hoping this will help the healing process start but I know it will take some time.

Has anyone else here tried Reiki before?

Thanks so much!

 

[Clarity99]

Also, things got a bit more complicated when I got incorporated into his dreams. I'm not sure how this works, because his original traumatic event was 4 years ago and has nothing to do with me... But seeing me in person makes it all worse, so that doesn't help at all. :(

 

[SupportinVA]

Clarity, it was very similar when my gf suddenly started experiencing symptoms after talking to me and her therapist about her traumas. All you can do is give him the space he needs and try to get him to get help. My gf has been in the hospital for the better part of 6 weeks, and it has made a huge difference. Daily therapy definately made a huge difference for her. I wish you both the best, and there are some great people around here who have been through it.

 

[Clarity99]

Thanks Supportin. Its a huge relief to read the posts of others who have lived through this. I was so confused about what to do, and am so glad I can get a clearer understanding about how to help my bf (hopefully). Best wishes for you and your gf too. I look forward to "seeing" you around.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Clarity,

Welcome to the forum ! Lots of great info here and lots of support from everyone :)

I truly understand what you are going through....loving someone with PTSD is a long and hard journey, a changed lifestyle, really, for both of you, but it can work, with lots of work and effort from both of you.

Firstly though, your boyfriend needs to be properly diagnosed and he has to begin therapy if it is PTSD. He won't get better without seeing a therapist and/or being on medication. He needs to want to make the efforts and eventually accept he has this disorder and move on from there.

You are doing the right things by giving him space and letting him deal his issues on his own terms. It is hard, I know....but there is nothing else you can do but "be there" and support him.

Many things will trigger a sufferer and sometimes it goes deeper then what we see or know (like your boyfriend's dreams that incorporate you).....a therapist will make him see and understand what it is all about...it will take time, there will be times he will be "ok" but then something will happen and he will be "down" again....be patient, support and keep on learning about this disorder....you can both have a good relationship :)

Take care of you, cause that is the one thing you will hear over and over on this forum.....as a "carer" you have to take care of yourself in order not to lose yourself in the process and to be in a better position to help the man you love !

Frankie

 

[anni]

Hi Clarity.

Hi-
It must be very hard for you to love someone who is baffling both of you at the moment. I can only say that when I am isolating myself as he seems to be, the only thing anyone can do is give me the space. I always feel so guilty for pushing that person away that I push them even further. I can only speak for myself,of course, but I do know that the quiet, strong, completely non-judgemental understanding of my husband made it so safe for me to let him in again. Although I have dropped almost countless other people-friends and family- I actually haven't 'dropped' him for years now. I don't know why, it's just the way I react now to him.I have to leave it to the professionals to say why but surely it has something to do with his guilt-free, endlessly kind but hands-off approach. Please don't take that as advice- it's just what seemed to 'work' with me.

I hope he can see a therapist. If he can't bring himself to actually post or reply here, perhaps just 'being' here will offer some comfort/help/support/all of the above.

Take care of yourself, please?
Annie

 

[CCurry]

Hi Clarity,

I totally understand your frustration as I'm in your position. I've even had to change my screen saver pic of us on a holiday 6 months ago (too painful), EVERY time I looked at it I kept thinking what happened? Of course I've learned a lot about ptsd over these last 4 months but up until then I was completely in the dark about what having ptsd really means.

Hang in there, read as much as you can, try to give him the space (I know its hard to do some days) but know that you are not alone.

Carmela

 

[JohnP]

Hi, My First Reply...I Sympathize!

Clarity,
Like you I'm really glad I found this forum. Your words moved me because I'm in a tough relationship with my wife who has PTSD and I'm trying to be supportive but it goes nowhere and my help isn't appreciated.

Her traumatic experiences occurred in childhood many years ago and are still plaguing her and holding her back. I've been patient the past 20 years but so little has improved and I wonder how much longer I can stay hopeful. Don't let this deter you. You are at the early stage with your boyfriend and my wish is for you to remain hopeful -- always hopeful! -- and to gently urge him to take responsilbity for his healing.

Keep the faith. :smile: JohnP in Minneapolis

 

[harmony of love]

My first post too, actually just registered today as well. I found this forum about 2 months ago. I have read and re-read posts, almost to the point where its the first website my heart fixes to go.

Today was a rough day, its the longest shut out since his sickness surfaced.

We have been together since July and it was bliss for about 2 months, he was diagnosed with acute ptsd. He has been in the navy for 6 years and a corpsmen under the marines. His illness began after his deployment in May. I did not know of him before his tour and had noooooooo clue that things would change so drastic.

We went from tender love, talks of marriage, sleepovers every night, lengthy emails, poems, roses...to barely a hello. It breaks my heart to feel this way. I miss him terribly and want to be supportive. He never told me that he needs space...however its clear due to his limited time with me.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I hope to be able to online chat with others. Hawaii does not have support groups for such issues. I am not part of the military, nor am I spouse so I am left with online help.

 

[Clarity99]

Harmony, I completely understand how you are feeling. I started dating my bf in May (went away for 2 months over the summer - this may be what triggered him) and by Sept he was completely different. You described it perfectly in your post.

This online forum is -by-far- the best resource I have found online or anywhere, so I believe we are in good hands. Hang in there!