Hello there. I decided to join this forum after several of my sad Google searches led me here. I'm a 37-year-old woman and I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. I had a physical and mental breakdown that led to me being homeless and on social security. I'm no longer homeless, but I'm still on social security, which is a source of great embarrassment for me even though I know it shouldn't be. I had just finished grad school when this happened and I had big plans.
Part of why I'm here is because I was doing really well for a while but now I'm worse than ever. I have suffered from depression as long as I remember. I grew up in an abusive household and I was horrifically bullied as a child due to an illness and some other things that made me weird. After a year of therapy with a good therapist, I stopped hating myself so much. I ended up living in housing owned by my mental health clinic. I've had to change therapists a number of times due to job turnover, so therapy hasn't been helpful after I had that one good therapist. My living situation got really bad for a while due to an unbelievable harassment issue with a neighbor. I was triggered frequently because of this man's violent outbursts and alcoholism. The police wouldn't help and the clinic wouldn't help. This situation went on (on and off)for over a year and a half. The reason I mention this is because I had a huge fight with the clinic over this because he was literally screaming and punching walls outside my door and they weren't doing anything about it. I felt completely helpless. Hours after this argument(where a terrible therapist suggested that I go be homeless again if I was so scared of the neighbor), I experienced neurological symptoms for the first time. I had temporary, partial vision loss and was in a lot of pain. I've never been the same since that day and now I have been diagnosed with an incurable neurological disorder. I'm in pain constantly and there are few options in the way of treatment (I have hemicrania continua, which has similarities to cluster headaches and migraines). I'm on medication, and it helps a little, but I'm always, always, always in some degree of pain and I have constant visual disturbances. I have lots of sensory problems, even with balance and speech.
I feel like the stress triggered this. I already had chronic illnesses, but this new condition is really draining me. I thought I had a stroke (the painful side of my face droops and it's noticeable) but my tests were negative. The pain reminds me of what happened and how I was threatened and how I was treated, and how this seems to be a recurring theme of my life. I already had PTSD and was recovering and I'm back at square one. I don't understand why I can't get over it or why I can't stop thinking about it. I've had worse things happen in my life, but I fixate! I've had wild weight fluctuations and I'm sad and feel disconnected from everyone and everything.
What I've realized though, it's not so much that I've been broken, but that I never learned to be. It's never occurred to me that anyone could love me, so I always feel like some sort of alien child when people talk about relationships or families. I've never really had close friends. My parents are dead and my sibling is one of my abusers. I don't know my extended family. I have no self-esteem. I have no friends and no job and no purpose. I enjoy making art but I can't even get myself to do it. I really need help and I don't know where to get it. I've seen so many therapists and psychiatrists and I've had so many diagnoses that I don't even know what's wrong with me, mental health-wise! I feel like I've written too much, so thanks for reading!
Part of why I'm here is because I was doing really well for a while but now I'm worse than ever. I have suffered from depression as long as I remember. I grew up in an abusive household and I was horrifically bullied as a child due to an illness and some other things that made me weird. After a year of therapy with a good therapist, I stopped hating myself so much. I ended up living in housing owned by my mental health clinic. I've had to change therapists a number of times due to job turnover, so therapy hasn't been helpful after I had that one good therapist. My living situation got really bad for a while due to an unbelievable harassment issue with a neighbor. I was triggered frequently because of this man's violent outbursts and alcoholism. The police wouldn't help and the clinic wouldn't help. This situation went on (on and off)for over a year and a half. The reason I mention this is because I had a huge fight with the clinic over this because he was literally screaming and punching walls outside my door and they weren't doing anything about it. I felt completely helpless. Hours after this argument(where a terrible therapist suggested that I go be homeless again if I was so scared of the neighbor), I experienced neurological symptoms for the first time. I had temporary, partial vision loss and was in a lot of pain. I've never been the same since that day and now I have been diagnosed with an incurable neurological disorder. I'm in pain constantly and there are few options in the way of treatment (I have hemicrania continua, which has similarities to cluster headaches and migraines). I'm on medication, and it helps a little, but I'm always, always, always in some degree of pain and I have constant visual disturbances. I have lots of sensory problems, even with balance and speech.
I feel like the stress triggered this. I already had chronic illnesses, but this new condition is really draining me. I thought I had a stroke (the painful side of my face droops and it's noticeable) but my tests were negative. The pain reminds me of what happened and how I was threatened and how I was treated, and how this seems to be a recurring theme of my life. I already had PTSD and was recovering and I'm back at square one. I don't understand why I can't get over it or why I can't stop thinking about it. I've had worse things happen in my life, but I fixate! I've had wild weight fluctuations and I'm sad and feel disconnected from everyone and everything.
What I've realized though, it's not so much that I've been broken, but that I never learned to be. It's never occurred to me that anyone could love me, so I always feel like some sort of alien child when people talk about relationships or families. I've never really had close friends. My parents are dead and my sibling is one of my abusers. I don't know my extended family. I have no self-esteem. I have no friends and no job and no purpose. I enjoy making art but I can't even get myself to do it. I really need help and I don't know where to get it. I've seen so many therapists and psychiatrists and I've had so many diagnoses that I don't even know what's wrong with me, mental health-wise! I feel like I've written too much, so thanks for reading!
