This thread so pertains to me. I used to tell my old T that I wore a sign that said, "Abuse me." We never did get around to the topic of boundaries, but now I set clear cut boundaries with everyone, including family members. I choose not to be around any abusive people.
In my opinion, I now use my integrity/value system to size someone up. If they really fall short, I don't persue a relationship cause I can't fix them and I don't like messy relationships and drama. Think safety of the system, first. You didn't spend all that time, effort, and dough in therapy to come unraveled by some fool looking to hurt you, fix you, and be your hero (hero relationships are lopsided with the hero being more powerful and smarter than the needy one, and these relationships often don't work out in the end).
Divorced less than 2 years, keep walking.....or just be a casual friend for coffee. Divorcing and newly divorced people are in mental/emotional chaos. 2 years is my minimum criteria for meeting up with a divorced person.
I set clear boundaries with all friendships and go slow. I'm not always the one to rearrange my schedule, or change, to make things work in the relationship. That is shared. I think that friendships can have many levels but most start out the same...very casual (e.g. casual friends, coffee mates, a friend from work, movie watching, dinner friend, spending the day togehter, same interest friend (belong to same club), and I can change the amount of time I spend with them, if there are concerns from my parts. At the friends level, it still can be easy to manage.
Online dating....yeah, no.....way to much space to be someone you are not.....unreal, not authentic.
Watch out for the chameleon....that person who changes to meet your needs. You like caviar, your friend loves caviar. You love cats, your friend just adores them (and has no cats), you love popcorn with butter and cheddar cheese flavoring, and your friend can't get enough, so you go to a movie, he takes one handful and has no more. That person uses your likes (information and vulnerabilities) and immitates you with things you love to get close to you fast. There is a pattern that emerges with these people. Narcissists/sociopaths are chameleons, puppet masters who will lure you in and pull your strings till you go crazy or fall for their tricks. Run from people who make you their immediate all encompassing life.....or your hero....or your dream date...knight in shining armor.....because in your head, they act like your savior. They are your fixer. They are getting something out of fixing and love bombing you.....you just don't know what. Listen to your gut...
Too much good, too soon....watch out and keep clothes on!.....Friendship before lust....disguised with the word love.....you're the best, met no other like you, better than all the rest......yeah-no. They are all cXm-ons.....literally designed for that purpose -to appeal to your vulnerable needy sexual side. Good friends with a strong value system, are respectful, even when they split up with their past partners, and they don't compare or trash past relationships to new ones if they are healthy and well balanced people. They have a life, and won't stick to you like glue....they have a life outside of knowing you and it continues despite you being around.
If they don't have any friends, and have lived in the same place a while, watch out.....they are likely needy. People whose strength is being social, can make friends pretty quick. They can move into a city and have a friend in a couple of weeks if effort is put into it.
So, to meet others, I travel to groups of people, and don't bring folks home. Friends first, coffee, get to know you, for a really long time. If I'm worthwhile to them, they'll work with my boundaries. I get to know their family, and their parents and talk to the source that taught them to behave (their parents). If they treat their brothers and sisters with respect, and demonstrate respect toward their parents, and don't bring out the laundry list in my presence, then I'll stick around and continue to evaluate. Narcissists usually don't get along with at least one of their sibblings, and they can be quite demanding and rude to their parents or charming as all get out in front of their parents. Narcissists can masquarade for about a year-some as long as 2 years....Give lots of time for relationships to develop.
IMHO, people with DID/DDNOS and PTSD often try not to put their unhealthy self forward when meeting someone new. We all want to be perceived like we don't have so much drama/conflict/health issues....so we try to act the part we want others to see. New relationships (other potential friends) may very well do the same. So, be authentic with barriers, practice your own value system, don't tell too much to soon, keep convo light not heavy duty, keep initial conversation not so personal-but be honest, not too vulnerable and not overtly needy. Have something to talk about other than your health (hobbies, life basics, family topics, pets, weather, food likes/dislikes, hobbies, vacations/travel and music likes/dislikes). I find that people initially don't really want to meet someone with tons of baggage and it gets complicated as you tell more intimate/private stuff. If they disclose up front their negative drama,this is often a sign of an unhealthy person. Beware.
