Help - Family Won't Keep It Private

[Ryn]

More wonderful news (not). I'm going home for the weekend because I miss my dog so much I'm desperate, haha - my mother just texted me and apparently we're hosting a potluck. She told me who was coming - surprise, it's all those people I barely know who now know the deepest secrets of my life. And I'll be forced to socialize and pretend I'm doing well, and they'll all exchange knowing looks and offer me pitying smiles and take a few polite steps away from me. Great. Just great.

I don't WANT this. :cry:

 

[mytai]

@Ryn, is it an option (even though you miss your dog) to postpone until next weekend? That way you don't have to put yourself through the stress of knowing that they know? I'm not usually one who advocates for avoiding a situation, but in some cases it is healthier for us to avoid something.

Hugs if you want them.

 

[scout86]

I'm with mytai, if you don't want to go, don't go.

No infant "refuses to bond" with it's parent! That form of bonding is a survival based based instinct and an infant doesn't have the capacity to deliberately refuse to bond. Your mom doesn't sound like a very good person to be around! Go back and read what you wrote about your "relationship" with her. Pretend someone else wrote it and think about what you'd say to them. If you can't stay way far away from her, at least don't listen to what she says!

take care of yourself!

 

[Ryn]

Thanks guys. :hug: Sorry, I just got overwhelmed for a bit there... Unfortunately I already bought train tickets and also it's my dad's birthday, so I'd feel really bad. It'll be okay.... I'm planning on having a friend over and hiding in my room for as much of the time as possible, ha.

 

[Powder]

if your parents are narcissistic, of course this step in healing is bypassed (as are most others) because it's all "me me me me, how does this affect ME?!?" No getting mad, no mamma bear protecting her baby cubs (even if they're adult cubs). It's all about THEM. They have no concern for you or your well being. They are putting themselves first.

I don't think they will ever change. I think you may have to cut them off, at least partially, if you want to heal. A big part of healing is feeling safe and your parents continue to violate you with their lies.

I agree with Solara. That's about all I can muster right now because I cut out my parents for not having boundaries and violating mine again, and again, and again through abuse of every kind and every kind of personal betrayal, as you mentioned. It is 'death by 1,000 papercuts' here. They have trampled on the boundaries so badly that even the dust of them is long gone. I particularly despise narcissists, for being "incapable of love."

My T. wants me to learn "pity" for narcissists. I don't know if that will happen; I don't know if I will evolve to that level, emotionally. If they have none, no compassion, no guilt, why do they deserve it from me? I mean, I get it that I need to be the "better person" but I already am just by feeling compassion and love. the better for her to hurt me with! And I don't see the value in throwing pearls to pigs. I bet pigs make a better mother than mine. (Yes, the anger stage passed, but it is still easily accessed.)

The truth is, it takes time to prepare oneself to make the big, clean break. It took me a long time, and I was born again the day I told my mother I was through with her. My life as a real decision-maker started that day I became an adult. It was like breaking my arm and resetting it right, finally, so it can finally heal right.

 

[The Albatross]

Since you have a reason to rise to the occasion, use the opportunity to do some timed exposures. Make and employ a strategy and set some boundaries about a safe place for a time out if you want or need one. Sometimes in unavoidable circumstances if I can keep it to a challenge I can navigate the uncomfortable situation better.