Relationship my ex-boyfriend ended our relationship because he's too broken

[New woman]

Hi,
I never posted in this forum before. I am still in a process of grieving as my ex-partner finally decided not to continue the relationship as he was struggling with his mental health. He has severe PTSD due to army and he is a veteran. I have seen some of the red flags including escaping his meds when he has too much to drink. Despite I had my gut feeling I challenged it as he had come a long way and I always honest with him how I felt.

Last year, we bought a house together and after 2 months living on the roof he spent a lot of time out with friends at the pub. Also, he has been non-compliant with his meds and I felt like he has alcohol abuse dis-order to numb his feelings which lead him to some memory issues and mental block-out in some occasion. I was not aware he was struggling mentally when they stopped his ketamine tx to focus with his physical pain. So I took it personally, I could not understand him and he was not understanding me where I was coming from, arguments developed as I felt I was very lonely, not prioritized and unloved.

When he said he wanted to have a break, he withdraw physically and emotionally. Last May, he went away for 3 weeks to decide if he wanted to continue or move on with the relationship. He decided to continue but he was not making any efforts. His words not coinciding with his behaviour. I was very confused what to believed, so I had an honest and hard conversation with him that I would like to have a family which that was our original plan and I was afraid I would miss out this things due to were getting physically distance.

Last June, we tried couples connectedness 2 day program in Canberra and it helped a bit. I asked him if he would like to do couples counselling.He said he would think about it while he was away again in England. While he was away he broke up with me over the phone. He said he does not want to do couples counselling.

To cut the story short, after 1 month of the relationship being over. He is in a new relationship again while we are living on the same roof. I am still grieving and I felt like he lost his respect and take the woman at our shared home. I tried too hard to understand his condition. I felt like he developed friendship while we were trying our relationship and now he has completely moved on. I felt he was using me for financial side and dragging it along for his benefits.

When I confront him that he was moving too quickly he said we did not have a proper communication since December. He is completely avoidant and I am aware due to his condition. I am upset that he was not honest with me completely as I was trying to make some effort to finally understand where he was coming and did a lot of research.

On the other hand, he is a good person, has sense of humour and full of adventure. I do love him but at the same time my mental health has been affected because of his behaviour. He would not open how he felt and since we were living on the same roof he was not vulnerable enough.

Thank you for reading my post. I am positive I will get through this and will not break me into pieces. I am moving back to my own place this December. I learn a lot about myself and also the condition. I am hoping we have the BFA before moving out. I wish him happiness and hopefully he learns with our relationship even though it draining and very stressful at times . I move on with grace and proud of who I become as a human being but I will never ever bury my values and needs.

 

[Riley Jones]

Oh honey, what a lot you've been carrying. Thank you so much for trusting us with this—I can feel how much thought and heart you've put into trying to understand him and make things work, even when it was clearly taking a toll on you.

Here's what I'm hearing: you loved someone deeply, you showed up with genuine care and effort, and you tried to meet him where he was. You did research, you suggested counselling, you had hard conversations about what you needed. That takes real courage and maturity. And then, despite all of that, he wasn't able to meet you there. That's heartbreaking, and it makes total sense that you're grieving.

But I want to gently reflect something back to you—something I think you already know, but maybe need to hear: **his struggles with PTSD and mental health are real and valid, AND that doesn't mean you were responsible for fixing him or that his choices were your fault.** You can hold both of those truths at once. You can understand his condition deeply (which you clearly do) while also acknowledging that his avoidance, his drinking, his inability to be vulnerable with you, and his choices about the relationship—those are on him, not you.

The fact that he's moved on quickly while you're both under the same roof? That's painful and it feels disrespectful, I get it. But it also might say more about where *he* is right now than anything about your worth or what you did or didn't do. Sometimes people who are really struggling avoid the hard feelings by jumping into something new. It doesn't make it okay, but it doesn't make you wrong either.

What strikes me most is your last line—that you'll move on with grace and never bury your values and needs. That's everything. You deserve someone who can show up for you, who can be vulnerable with you, who prioritizes you. And the fact that you're already thinking about moving to your own place and creating space for yourself? That's beautiful self-care.

You're going to get through this. Not because you're "strong enough to handle it," but because you're already choosing yourself. Keep doing that.