Help Me

[kris]

Ok I am not suicidal or anything right now, but I am so tired of having thoughts of harming myself or killing myself. Everyday for atleast 3 weeks now I have had thoughts of killing myself everyday. I am so tired and scared of this, I want these thoughts to go away.

Granted about 2 weeks ago I did have a slight attempt at harming myself, but honestly I don't want to die, I want these thoughts and the pain to go away. I can see having the suicidal ideas during my attempt, but why now? Why when things are going fairly well.

Like I said I keep having flashes of ideas of how to go about killing myself or atleast harming myself, these ideas are freaking me out. Would someone have to or could be hospitalized by their therapist for thoughts like this?

 

[Jade-]

I told my therapist I have those thoughts and I didn't get hospitalized.

I thought it would be better to talk to him about it than to cause myself even more anxiety for having the thoughts in the first place.

Maybe it would be best to just tell your T. what's in your head.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Suicide ideation is a huge component of PTSD, especially when we are overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. It becomes a bad coping skill for many of us. The thoughts/emotions come and immediately the suicide thoughts come too. CBT/DBT therapy can help, and replacing the negative thoughts with positive reinforcements will help also. It isn't easy and it's hard work.

I know, because I am right there with you....It sucks to live like this.

 

[pandora]

Adding another...right there with you. There is a big difference in having suicidal ideation and being suicidal..IMO. If you start planning then you should probably talk to someone. Thinking about it all the time happens to me too but having a son gives me the strength to go on even though I would much rather throw in the towel some days.

 

[anni]

My T would listen and then ask me if I thought I should be hospitalized. I guess that helps you figure out for yourself how serious the thoughts are. It's always good to share this stuff with your T. This stuff seems to get a lot more knee jerk and reactive through time when not shared, but that's just me perhaps.

 

[NIKI]

I told my Dr. one to many times that I felt suicidal and he hospitalized me against my will; I was terrified. Now I will not tell him even if I am thinking it!

 

[blackpearl]

Interesting question.
That's why I never talked about thoughts of want to end my life for now years ago because I sensed they would put me to another place.

But those thoughts lasted for only three years or something, you too will get better in time. I think you have to accept much of what causes you the pain to get rid of the pain and then the thought of wanting to die will also go away.

 

[kris]

NIKI, that is part of my worries, that if I keep telling my therapist of my attempts and thoughts of suicide, he is going to force me against my will to go into the hospital. I mean how many times can someone hear of oh I thought of doing this, or I wanted to do that to kill/harm myself before they say "Hey this person is seriously in need of more help than I can give them", and then proceeds to make the patient do in hospital treatment.

I have shared some of these thoughts with my therapist but as I said I am to ashamed and fearful of the outcome of telling him one to many times of these thoughts. I am also fearful of myself for having these thoughts or even trying to harm myself twice in the last month. Deep down I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this life either, if that makes any sense. I don't know why these attempts have come into my head and wouldn't leave. Well I guess the first one was because I was really stressed out, but the second time was just a boring old day, nothing major that I can think of to trigger the attempt.

My therapist also has asked me if I thought I needed to go to the hospital. How am I to know, I am not the professional I just told you my thoughts and intentions YOU DECIDE! At that time I wanted to say YES, yes I need to go because, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't harm myself. (Ok, I just answered my previous question). But I couldn't admit that to anyone, I could barely say that in my head to myself, how was a suppose to tell my therapist that when like I said I couldn't even tell myself it. So I lied, I lied to the therapist and told him that no, I was ok and that I trusted myself to be safe. When in my head I was screaming/crying for help saying don't let me make the decision myself! Now I kinda feel like shit for lying to him as well, he has trust in me to be honest with him, and there I was lying right to his face.

 

[James B.]

Hi kris - just want to say how sorry I am you're feeling this way. Have been thinking about your post a while, reflecting on times I felt similar, for periods of time or even momentarily. In my case (and this is just me, ok?) it seems every single time - in some way or another - I felt trapped. Stuck in a given situation, disempowered, dead end. Or simply *No Exit*.

My pun on Sartre's play meaning my life was literally a living hell, due to having to deal with certain "other people". Once again kris, I can relate, it is a horrible thing to experience, unimaginably painful to live with, and I sure hope you can move through this to better times ahead.

Sincerely,
James B.