Relationship Help Please......

[Runnergirl]

I am new to this and need help as most of us do. I met my boyfriend 16 months ago and it was immediate attraction and love. We moved in together and have lived together for a year. About a month after we met, we had our first argument and he shut down and said he was done with us. We worked through but this is a pattern of behavior with us. Things will be fine and then we have a disagreement and he says he's done. I have my own issues including insecurities as my ex cheated on me so I have made some trust issues that upset him. He is not very expressive and tends to keep everyone at arms length even his daughter which makes my insecurities even worse. We just got in another fight because of my trust issues and I told him I was afraid I wasn't satisfying his needs because that's what he said a few weeks ago and it's bothering me so I said something and it has now resulted in him saying he's done , he's coming to get his stuff and he's over us and just wants to be alone. This is the same behavior we have every time we have issues. He says he's gotten help for his combat PTSD but he has other issues from childhood. I am in counseling to work through my own issues but I just would like to hear what others have been through. I love him with all my heart and I know we have a lot of good parts of our relationship. I don't want to fix him or change him and I honestly think that scares the hell out of him. I just want to love him. Any thoughts?? Sorry if this is choppy, I'm freaking out.

 

[MoeX]

I'd like too say you sound to be on the right track with therapy and all. Good for you. He needs to resume treatment.

As a supporter I've learned our own insecurities cause the most problems. It doesn't help that our loved ones are so closed off. I'm sorry you feel this way. I've been there.

 

[Runnergirl]

Thanks Moex, he's pretty much told me he's done with us and hasn't talked to me in 3 days. I'm freaking out and trying to give him his space. It is killing me. And you are so right, he is so closed off that my insecurities are in overdrive. I'm just going to keep doing counseling and hoping for the best. Thanks for the post, glad to know I'm not alone.

 

[bell]

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. In doing so, you will be able to deal with him in a more secure manner and communicate with him in a clearer manner than if you let your insecurities rule the roost. I have a feeling you know this, so this is just a reminder. :)

Find something to keep yourself busy with and work on that instead of worrying about him or your relationship; doing this will help you and your relationship by not putting all the focus on either him or what you think you have done wrong.

 

[Runnergirl]

Thanks Bell, you're right I've let him and us be the sole focus partially because there's been a lot of upheaval and change in my life so it's made me very insecure and overthinking everything. I'm going to just start focusing on getting me straightened and hoping for the best with him. Thanks for all the support everyone, it's so nice to know there are others who are working through this.

 

[MoeX]

My BF tells me all the time I over think and I agree. He's told me before that if he says something that's what he means and leave it at that. I'm trying to remember that.

 

[Makadoodle]

Wow, it's nice to see that it's not just me. Every time we have any sort of disagreement, he almost immediately says he's done. So far he's always come back and we've been working hard on our communication so maybe these disagreements will be less common. Or at least that's my hope.

Now he says we need to only be friends until we each work on ourselves since we've both gone through some major changes in life the last few years. I totally agree with him but it's still hard because I love him and I want him in my life on a more consistent basis. Just hoping that by working on me, we can have a future at some point. Hope it all works out for you. If he loves you, he will be back once he's ready. :)

 

[Gingerly]

When my ex-Sufferer broke up with me he told me he was "done" too. Is this a word many Sufferers use or is it a phrase used in general today? At the beginning of our 4-year relationship, he let me know in advance, "when I'm done, I'm done". It was almost like a forewarning.

 

[Runnergirl]

Gingerly, my BF also said the same thing when we met.....when he's done, he's done yet his actions prove otherwise. I think it's a defense mechanism or something?? I'm not sure but it's hard.

 

[aj1]

After a triggering event at her work, my ex said she was done. I somehow talked her out of it but I was delaying the inevitable.

 

[Chris516]

Runnergirl, It is a defense mechanism. BUT against what exactly, is always the curiosity for me. I am thinking, that when they do that repeatedly, then after each time they say that, they follow that up days later with an accusation of ignoring them. They are (not premeditated) actually testing you, to see if you will abandon them. The key is seeing through their 'break-up' statements considering their behavioral pattern.

Maybe I am jaded. But I take it in stride after knowing my friend for so long.

 

[Gingerly]

When my ex-Sufferer broke up with me he said, "it's over, we're through, I'm done". I told you I was crazy and I told you that when I'm done, I'm done". He wasn't kidding. It's been more than 3 months since he ended the relationship, yet he continues to talk to me on the phone as if nothing has changed, but as far as getting back together... he's not budging. He built a wall and I'm hitting my head against that wall. But, I'm not giving up on him.