i just cannot keep doing this anymore. My life is one big never ending spiral of shit.
Basically my child has been put into Foster Care due to my suicidal ideation and the fact I have been stalked harassed and abused for 17+ years. The police read my diaries after I was raped that they confiscated from my house and decided I was fabricating everything and that I was insane with a severe personality disorder that wanted police attention although all I have done for the past 3 years is avoid and disengage from them at every opportunity as I hate and do not trust them at all!
My daughter is only 5 and I miss her dearly and feel that I have hurt her beyond all belief.
My parents came up and are now living with me to 'support' me while the council and my exhusband try to prove I am a liar even though I am not. I feel so awful and my CPTSD has now been compounded by extreme depression and anxiety. I have lost my job over this and am barely functioning.
On Saturday I got very drunk and called a suicide helpline and said I was drunk and had taken my pills and she said I needed to call an ambulance. I immediately hung up and did not answer her calls back. In the meantime I called another helpline who were really helpful and supportive and after an hour on the phone I felt tons better. Then I got a text from the police saying to call about a welfare check and after being sectioned for 3 hours at a psychiatric hospital I freaked out and denied everything to them when they came round as I am terrified of them and didn't want that type of help. I just wanted someone to talk to.
Anyway today my parents met with the social worker today about them looking after my daughter and the police had reported me to them and said when they showed up I was fine and was clearly fabricating it all to get attention but it had been 6 hours so I had sobered up since calling the first person.
Anyway my parents are furious as when asked they said I never drink, which is true as I rarely ever do but I just wanted to escape the pain I was feeling about missing my daughters 5th birthday on Sunday and being apart.
Anyway I wrote an email to everyone explaining what had happened but my dad lost it and said was I trying to lose my daughter and my mom said I made them look like a liar by saying I didn't drink then doing this.
My life has and is just spiralling out of control. I want to walk away but in doing so the court will say I made it all up, my exhusband will be likely to get my daughter and hurt her. But I am destroying my family. I am watching them fall apart in front of my eyes and still I keep f*cking up. I wish I was stronger and could just leave this world but I am too weak.
I feel so desperate and hopeless and all I do is cause people pain around me. I am a whirlwind of terror to anyone in my path and I cannot seem to stop it.
Social services are determined to ruin my family and all because I am mentally unwell and need help but how can you get help when even my writing has been violated with all my diaries being read and analysed and so misinterpreted by so many people.
I have to move out of my house to prove I don't need my parents and show the local authority that my daughter can then be with my parents so at least she is with loved family.
I need help and have no where left to turn, seeing their disappointment in me and by my actions and all the shit I keep creating in this mess and digging myself in deeper is awful. This pain and anxiety is just killing me.
Please help me.
Basically my child has been put into Foster Care due to my suicidal ideation and the fact I have been stalked harassed and abused for 17+ years. The police read my diaries after I was raped that they confiscated from my house and decided I was fabricating everything and that I was insane with a severe personality disorder that wanted police attention although all I have done for the past 3 years is avoid and disengage from them at every opportunity as I hate and do not trust them at all!
My daughter is only 5 and I miss her dearly and feel that I have hurt her beyond all belief.
My parents came up and are now living with me to 'support' me while the council and my exhusband try to prove I am a liar even though I am not. I feel so awful and my CPTSD has now been compounded by extreme depression and anxiety. I have lost my job over this and am barely functioning.
On Saturday I got very drunk and called a suicide helpline and said I was drunk and had taken my pills and she said I needed to call an ambulance. I immediately hung up and did not answer her calls back. In the meantime I called another helpline who were really helpful and supportive and after an hour on the phone I felt tons better. Then I got a text from the police saying to call about a welfare check and after being sectioned for 3 hours at a psychiatric hospital I freaked out and denied everything to them when they came round as I am terrified of them and didn't want that type of help. I just wanted someone to talk to.
Anyway today my parents met with the social worker today about them looking after my daughter and the police had reported me to them and said when they showed up I was fine and was clearly fabricating it all to get attention but it had been 6 hours so I had sobered up since calling the first person.
Anyway my parents are furious as when asked they said I never drink, which is true as I rarely ever do but I just wanted to escape the pain I was feeling about missing my daughters 5th birthday on Sunday and being apart.
Anyway I wrote an email to everyone explaining what had happened but my dad lost it and said was I trying to lose my daughter and my mom said I made them look like a liar by saying I didn't drink then doing this.
My life has and is just spiralling out of control. I want to walk away but in doing so the court will say I made it all up, my exhusband will be likely to get my daughter and hurt her. But I am destroying my family. I am watching them fall apart in front of my eyes and still I keep f*cking up. I wish I was stronger and could just leave this world but I am too weak.
I feel so desperate and hopeless and all I do is cause people pain around me. I am a whirlwind of terror to anyone in my path and I cannot seem to stop it.
Social services are determined to ruin my family and all because I am mentally unwell and need help but how can you get help when even my writing has been violated with all my diaries being read and analysed and so misinterpreted by so many people.
I have to move out of my house to prove I don't need my parents and show the local authority that my daughter can then be with my parents so at least she is with loved family.
I need help and have no where left to turn, seeing their disappointment in me and by my actions and all the shit I keep creating in this mess and digging myself in deeper is awful. This pain and anxiety is just killing me.
Please help me.
