Help.. Stuck In Therapy

[bitterfight_]

Usually my sessions go great, but let's just say today went particularly horrible. I’m really frustrated with today’s therapy session, and at myself in general.

My T asked about how I felt from reading from my "processing" book, and I told her I felt relieved, and she said there's another part to the letters - writing out what I would want the people who hurt me to say to me. She noted it as "kind of like an apology letter, but what you'd want them to say, not what they'd actually say" and it really made me feel like my world sort of tipped again, if you know what I mean.

I feel appalled, shocked, astounded, horrified, sickened, flabbergasted, disturbed, etc by this idea. I write what I’d want them to say to me, and what do I get from this exactly? A feeling of “Well that’s nice - this is what I want them to say to me, but they never will. Cool”. So, naturally I dissociate like really badly (in therapy and once I'm home), then I bawl my eyes out (at home) and lose my mind on this idea.

I shut down, and the “I can’t do this” starts rolling. So I do what I do best, and mess everything up even more. I email my T about it. I feel soo bad for sending her emails, and I usually don't send them, but the entire idea left me feel like I wanted to just jump off a cliff, and then I felt so angry with myself for even sending the email because it appears that I made her mad (can't really tell through email of course...).

UGH. I FEEL HORRID. Is this normal? Does anyone else have to do this sort of thing or is it just me? She says it will help me move forward, but I feel like I'm being hit with a brick wall. Are there any alternatives to this? (I've tried EMDR and hated it)

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry you had such a rough time. Maybe you might consider telling your T you aren't ready to write those letters and maybe you never will be. Maybe it's not the right thing for your healing.

How about Somatic Therapy? That's one thing that's helped me but everyone is different of course.

 

[arfie]

I gave this a try within a theory I was introduced to in support group small talk in pre-internet years. I just gave it a surf and found quite a few off-shoots of it. It was called, "Parenting your inner child."

Self-flagellation was a serious issue in my own recovery. My self-abuse leaked into my relationships in a bazillion ways. This approach helped me learn kindness.

 

[Viosinger]

I don't necessarily have advice, but I've certainly had sessions where I just shut down. Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think this is a necessary part of processing. I didn't do anything like this in my processing of my trauma. (I didn't do EMDR). Perhaps this isn't right for you? I wouldn't push it if your reaction is that extreme. Honestly, the idea of this irritates me personally and I know I couldn't do it---I don't see it as something that allows us to put the past in the past, rather just keeps wounds open.

I've heard of doing the opposite---that is, "confronting" our abusers by telling them everything we want to tell them (in a letter or mock confrontation), and yes, that is therapeutic. But this, well this seems more like "neener-neener-neener, this is what you'll never hear so let's rub it in!" (Just my two cents)

 

[seedling]

I've had sessions like that. Over different things but the same reaction. Hang in there, if you are not up to this, skip it and move on to another technique.

I've done this in therapy once just this year. The letter wasn't a long one, it made me think about what it was I really wanted as a child and this helped me realize what I want from people now. I felt it helped me see who I am.

Yes, it was something I never got from my mother. That bothered me at first, but I guess it was a given at that point. It showed me what I value in the way I am treated by people I like now.

 

[Nonexistent]

Hi.

Well, if I were to do this exercise now, I'd be like...
"What?! I don't need your f*in sorries, you used me, abused me, why would I need your approval now?? I don't care anymore ."
:) See, I think I've gone past that point, and maybe you have, too? So it feels like a regression to you, your body might be saying NO. No to re-attaching yourself to these people.

 

[digger]

I feel appalled, shocked, astounded, horrified, sickened, flabbergasted, disturbed, etc by this idea. I write what I’d want them to say to me, and what do I get from this exactly?

There is maybe some value in that itself. I would suggest not writing the letter, but instead going back to your T with how it made you feel to think about it and see if that takes you anywhere. Sometimes my T suggests things and they really don't work for me, but thinking about why they don't work for me can be helpful.

I guess it depends to some degree on the relationship you have with your T. Mine is very open to the idea that one size doesn't fit all and doesn't stick rigidly to one idea/scheme of working.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I know how painful confronting this dreck is.

Part of therapy is pushing ourselves to trust that our therapists know more about the healing process we do, and being willing to push against our defenses telling us not to trust them. For me, it took over 2 years, really, before I allowed my therapist to lead me where I didn't want to go.

Not that I still don't fight it.

This type of exercise is called "imaginal exposure." It is one which helps us begin seeking restorative justice wherever possible. The process of doing it actually helps us "confront" our abusers safely in our heads. It allows us to start being able to think of them, see their faces, hear them talk, and this extended low-level exposure therapy helps drain away their power over our psyches.

By putting our words in their mouths, we help identify the parts of the trauma that are the deepest wounds which happened to us. Our therapist is able to help identify cognitive distortions which we picked up while in survivor mode that are currently hurting our feelings of safety and trust in our current lives.

It's an excellent diagnostic tool for our therapist and a prolonged exposure exercise for us. Best of all, doing it shrinks down our views of our abusers as superhuman, all powerful, or omniscient into just being a regular human being with the capacity for causing great harm.

Once we confront the abusers in our heads, and allow us to feel and receive help processing all the emotions this brings up, this person's ability to hijack our amygdala into "fight or flight" mode becomes extinguished. They just become a terrible person from our past, not an abuser who rules our lives in the present.

It feels terrible. It's not easy. There's nothing fair about it. But it is effective over time. It can help us take back control over ourselves.

Your therapist sounds like she's a good one. Tell her everything about how it made you feel. You won't shock her or hurt her feelings. It sounds like you're actually dealing with this very well. Feeling the feelings, venting about them, questioning everything. All good stuff.

I'm sorry it feels so awful. It will get better.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I actually had a very similar experience from my T in my last session, except she didn't ask me to do any outside work on it. I had a triggering event before the session that happened and triggered memories of all my past sexual abuse. We talked about the situation and then she asked me "What did you need in this situation? What did you need the doctor to do or say?" It was very hard.. my first reaction was of course that the doctor shouldn't have been so mean and rough. It was very hard to think back into the situation to figure out what I needed and then to come out of it not having gotten what I needed. But my T said it will help me in the future when I am dealing with someone doing something I don't like, to be able to act and get what I need.

((hugs)) you can do this. I suggest definitely telling your T how hard this was for you. Even if you can only get 1 or 2 sentences, just try. I do believe if it's the right T that you can trust, he/she has your best interest at heart!

 

[bitterfight_]

@franciemarnie I will look into Somatic Therapy, thank you for that input. I'm willing to try anything that won't make me feel like sh*t if you know what I mean. @arfie I will definitely look into the "Parenting your inner child" as I find the same issue - it's leaking into my relationships in a million ways too. Thank you for your input. @Viosinger that's totally okay, just knowing I'm not alone when I shut down like this makes me feel less "crazy", so thank you.

@Solara I agree with thinking that this isn't a necessary part of processing. She said we could try something else and not to stress myself out over this idea but clearly she doesn't know me that well because I've let this ruin my weekend already. The idea of this irritates me too, and how you wrote it is exactly, literally exactly, how I feel. I wrote a mock letter and confrontation, and it was very therapeutic to let them know how shitty they are, but this part DEFINITELY made me feel like like the "rubbing it in", like you said. Overall I guess I was just irritated by this idea, because it's like rubbing it in my face that they did this sh*t and nothing they say can take it back anyways, not even an apology.

@seedling I'm glad your experience with it turned out well :), but sadly I don't think it's for me :(. Thank you for your input nonetheless, and I definitely think I'll be exploring other techniques.

Unfortunately @BrokenGlass, the letters are more about what I would want them to say to me. The first part of the letter was like what you described, but the second part (which has me infuriated) is what I would want them to write in response to it. It sucks!

I know there's value in my response to this @digger1, I agree. I already explained to her (in session) why I don't like the idea behind it, and she was really pushing for it. I guess that's another thing that made me infuriated by it, because it was basically like she ignored how distressed I was by this idea. She didn't ask me why in session, just kind of pushed the "just try it" without regard for how upset I was by this. She's usually not like that, which hurt. My T is very great though, so I'm hoping that she will be able to look at other options with me and see what works.

@BloomInWinter: :( I know that pushing through this stuff is part of the healing process and therapy in general, but it's kind of like - recognizing where that line draws with your clients and how comfortable they are with certain things, and this I'm really not comfortable with, which sucks. Thank you though, for describing what this is :) I'm going to look up on it now and see if there's any way I can try to do the exercise and get through this rough patch. Thank you for providing so much insight into what this exercise is, and insight into what my T is trying to do with it. You're right, my T is definitely a great one, and I plan on being completely honest with her next session about how this affected me. It's better than nothing, and if I need to, I can try it and if I hate it I can just tell her that it didn't work for me and we need to try something else. Thank you - some days (like this weekend) it feels like I'm acting like the old 12/13 year old me from when this happened, but I have to keep pushing through it. Thank you for making me feel less like a little child :)

@FindingMyself88 thank you for sharing your experience with me, and I can't imagine how hard that was. I'm definitely going to try this exercise, as always, and if it doesn't work or makes me feel like sh*t, I'll write it all out and tell her why.

I'm just scared that by saying all of this, eventually she's going to run the other way and I'm going to lose the support I've been looking for, for 7 years. Ah lord, my brain is one big clusterf*ck. Apologies for all the swearing, and thank you all for listening and providing your stories/opinions/views/information. <3

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that's a very understandable fear @bitterfight_ , but not a realistic one. I think exploring how you feel about it, why, and what comes to mind (as you are doing) is important.

Perhaps cognitively it doesn't make sense. I know people from the past I was abused or assaulted by would not have been inclined to give apologies. On the contrary in their mind they were justified and said so. I can't imagine what I know is not true to them.

I don't think I could go back and ask what I want, or would have wanted. Maybe only to identify what occurred or what I think made it worse. Or questions, but of myself (not of them).

To be honest for myself I'm just thankful if I have a degree of safety in the present.

:hug: