Help! Symptoms impacting relationship

really struggling here!
I'm in a loving relationship for the first time. we live together, she has kids. The kids see me as a maternal figure. its beautiful. however its also been the most triggering thing ever.

I was SA from the age of 4 for many many years and then I had a breakdown at 11 and went to secure mental hospital for 7 years on section. I'm now 26 and have battled many different types of crisis. eg. addiction, suicide, extreme dissociation and dissociative identity disorder but I have had a BEAUTIFUL life for years now.

I came off all meds, have no DID symptoms, teach meditation laugh and smile everday... its not the flashbacks and SA triggers that are bothering me at the moment (they are worse than ever) but its the relationship triggers that then uncover more stuff.

Some of my understanding is SO warped.
criticism literally feels like telling me i am worthless and should die. i can feel overcome with self loathing over a completely normal conversation. realising i've done something wrong (no matter how small) can make me shake like a leaf! and some of my understanding of sex is really warped. I can sometimes suddenly feel uncomfortable in giving vaginal pleasure to her beacause i cant understand that a vagina feels good (i cant handle penetration) but i have no connnection with mine feeling good and ive noticed i have a block in understanding that for others it can feel amazing.

i said no to sex last night because i was tired and abit triggered but i did it in a really insensitve cold way wich hurt her feelings and then i just couldnt understand that i had hurt her. its like instead of saying "no" i just emotionally attack her. or go cold.

im know as a very calm, kind and humble person yet when these triggers hit I can be the most defensive and selfish person on the spot. I'm trying to learn to breathe in those times but a defensless 5 year old comes up. i feel so ashamed after and am petrified one day shell leave me. im feeling quite shell shocked and how unreasonable and tough i am to have a relationship with.

saying that 90 percent of the time we are living the highest love together. We dont pick at each other and argue. but we do disagree in a polite and present way. we laugh until we cry everynight and cant get enough of this lovely life together. these instances with me are not too often..but im just feeling soaked in shame.


the shame of "being "me" has come back.
any identification would be welcome. she is amazing at supporting me but she dosent experince what I do and i think connecting with others will help

PS. I do councelling and have done many years of theray,CBT and allsorts but everything Ive learnt....is somehow slipping through the cracks in these moments
 
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any identification would be welcome. she is amazing at supporting me but she dosent experince what I do and i think connecting with others will help
criticism literally feels like telling me i am worthless and should die. i can feel overcome with self loathing over a completely normal conversation.
This is a really common core belief / series of cognitive distortions in PTSD-Land

There’s a really interesting discussion on just this, and all the different ways people see/handle criticism in this thread from way back, but you’ll also find, reading around the forum, that it’s a subject that gets broached rather frequently.

Ditto, people working on those core beliefs and cognitive distortions, in different ways. A fantastic intro to the topic itself right here >>> Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Whole helluva lotta people ‘round can identify both with exactly what you’re going through, as well as the overarching structure (Triggers & Stressors, Guilt/Shame, Cognitive Disortions & Core Beliefs, Past afflicting the present).
 
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