Help! Was I Treated Badly?

[TLight]

Thanks She Cat.........
I went and laid down. He just called from work, having a stressful day himself but he conquered a couple of bad things happening there.

I was proud of myself. I was just supportive and listened and didn't talk about how I was feeling. Trying to pull myself out of it I guess and I recognize his Dad goes under the knife in a few hours..........so trying to be respectful of what is going on in his world.

I feel a bit better and I'm going to get myself out to the store for a bit. The sun is shining and I'm not letting PTSD take a beautiful day away from me.

I can't express how thankful I am for your help She Cat. Thank you.........I've just been do damaged by this kind of stuff........my family of origin were extremely judgmental and disrespectful toward me, EXTREMELY........this is a lesson in separating the two experiences.

Thanks for being here.......

I will handle this situation at a later date.........I must say though, he wants to go over and till Dad's garden for him when we get home..........boy, I'm a tough cookie and stepping outside of my safety to go over there again today..........but I will. This is my stuff and perhaps it will be an opportunity to have a friendly healing discussion with Suzy. I'll just feel it out...........if not, I'll just have my guard up and make the best of a sunny afternoon.

 

[fin]

Hey T I am glad to read that oyu have calmed down some from your earlier post. It is difficult to be in the situation you are in, I dont envy you for sure, but at the same time if you love this guy and he is different to the things is family believe and you can handle that then perhaps oyu can work through this.

I know I would have a hard time but also I would perhaps question where their idea's and ideals are coming from. Maybe ask and find out a little more might help yu to understand better what and why they think the way they do. But at the same time you have to be courageous as I see it in standing up for yourself. it isnt easy and taking a stand against any kind of bigotry is difficult. It can be done but it can also be dangerous to do.

I would very much if you want to , ask questions of them, they are under a lot of stress at the moment, so I would try to appreciate that, and they may well come from a point of pain. But at the same time if you are not equipped to deal with this or even if oyu dont want to deal with this, then I think that you might have to ask yourself some tough questions about the relationship, the context oyu perhaps see yourself and also the disrespect oyu have spoken of that your BF shows you.

I know where I would stand on this and you may well do to, I am also aware that there will be conflicting points of view on a lot that this subject will bring up, but at the end of the day the only person you have to think of is you. Can you live in this relationship? Work things through I am sure you will be able to decide what it is you want for you. because at the end of the day, you are making some kind of commitment by staying in the relationship and if you are struggling to cope with things that are coming up now then it may well get worse.

Of course it could all just be a little all or nothing thinking my ex was not racist (he had a whole load of other issues) but his family definitely were prejudice and it galled me evrytime we had to meet up. I had to keep letting it go...I could not understand where they were coming from, but then hey they sure as hell didnt get me either. i was glad to be out of it in the end but not because of the subject we are discussing here.

it is a difficult one ot let go of make no mistake and in some cases I sure as hell understand somebodies prejudice, but again if I went by my own experience I would never speak to another man or woman come to think of it, again. At the end of the day we have to try to heal and understand each other. It doesnt always work I get that...I still have some issues not yet resolved myself in how I look at people and maybe they never will be resolved...I can only try.

Just please be true to yourself and your understanding of things, and try not let them bring you down or get under your skin more than they already do.

I hope that this can help you some T, I think you have had some good advice here in the posts already, I just wanted to lend my bit and try to support and encourage you to stand firmer in how oyu are being treated yourself. REgardless of other peoples prejudices you dont deserve to be treated like shit yourself. You are more priceless than that and you should be treated better...try for it T, try for it for you..please.

Take care and I hope you know you are not alone here in any of what you are feeling. I think a lot of people understand more than they perhaps let on.

~fin
I hope that this can help you someand I am sorry about all the typo's

 

[fin]

Oh sorry I meant to say as well: there will always be people that dont like other people no matter what, we are all human. It might be possible to let it go and just agree to disagree some and better. It all depends on your perspective about it all.

I hope you can work things through on this but at the same time, the thing that should be concering you more in my opinion is how he treats you. The rest comes after that.

Take care T

 

[TLight]

Fin;
Thanks for your comments. They mean a great deal to me and help me to put this whole situation in perspective.

I do agree, sometimes it is best just to agree to disagree. How my BF treats me is still somewhat in the air. I've been trying to sort a lot of that out.

I am considered attractive and when I look around, I realize I am....but on the inside its a different story. Anyway, he tried to change the way I did my hair at first, said it hid my face too much, took me in the bathroom and told me how he'd like to see it. I got very uncomfortable and said, "Why is there so much emphasis being put on my looks?"
He immediately back peddled and made me happy again.

Then there was the coat issue. It's cold and rainy here and we live on a farm and have to gear up everytime we go outside. I got what I thought was a really warm Dickies coat..........yes, it was men's and it was on sale.......but I sort of thought it fit my style. I'm a biologist in my heart, a nature freak...........I've been told by another woman that I need to work on my 'style'.......but I like wearing what is functional since I'm always trompsing throught he woods at any moment........so my 'style' is 'biologist'.......

Anyway, he commented about how I wear boys clothes and said he'd prefer I make the coat my 'farm only' coat............so more emphasis on looks.

I had a meltdown twice over these comments............I'm just never good enough the way I am. We had 'discussions' and he witnessed the PTSD kick in and major depression and me wanting to leave the relationship. But then he back peddles and makes me feel absolutely wonderful and perfect.

I've been in close touch with my therapist during this relationship, because I'm so afraid of being belittled and whittled down to nothing again, as in past relationships. She is of the opinion he's 'just a man' and is clumsy with his words.
In every other manner he is just a wonderful person..........but this emphasis on how I look really concerns me.

I just don't need anyone in my life belittling me........it will take me down.

Time will tell I guess. Crap, I'm already living here......he swept me off my feet and begged me to move in. Financially it was good for both of us and for 7 months now the relationship has been so much better than any other I've ever been in. I'm always telling my T how it is so weird to me to be treated so nicely..........

But there's this appearance thing.........and the in-laws..........scary to me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Tlight,

Personally I don't think that the comments that he made to you about your clothing, or hair are really big issues. From my point of view, he is trying to bring you out, he probably feels that you are a beautiful woman and he feels that you are hiding yourself, and your beauty. Because he backed off, I see a man that knows boundaries, and he is trying to respect yours.......

Yes, there is a fine line in all of this. If he is nagging you constantly, or demanding that you change your coat, or cut your hair, or wear it a different way, then YES, that would be a *red Flag*.......But from where I stand, I think you have a keeper there........

 

[fin]

I understand the appearance thing, I really do. I have spent a lot of time over the last few years letting that part of me go to hell. BUt maybe your BF is not being all or nothing, maybe he is cool with you the way you are, he does back down a lot on this, (and I have more to say on that point :) And he has known you like this, and unless you suddenly started dressing this way in the last couple of weeks he liked you regardless. The thing he may be trying to tell you is that you are beautiful, -and to him. This is not bad news, this is really rather lovely T, and maybe you could perhaps ease up a little on this for you too.

Now I do understand how you are feeling; I dyed my hair to please a guy, well probably more than one, I dressed a certain way because he wanted me to..again more than one. But the difference is that these guys didn't want me for who I was , they wanted to change me completely. And that isn't or wasn't fair to me. And if your guy is trying to do that -well then that isnt fair to you either.

BUt only you know what it is he is asking of you. If you feel belittled-seriously, if you think that he doesn't give a damn or a rats ass about you, then you decide what you want to do. On the other hand if it is just that he is trying to show you how he feels and how beautiful he sees you and you are..try not to take this as an insult. He is maybe trying to let you know how much he cares, that he loves you fine the way you are ...but it would be good perhaps to see your face, hence maybe why he is gently showing you...IE in the mirror, perhaps when he does things like this you guys could talk about how you feel, gently nothing heavy...just let him know and then maybe he can help you to see better what it is he sees in you.

I don think this needs to be all or nothing, but again only you know the tone he is using or the words he is saying. But maybe you have to think whether you can perhaps trust him. And then whether or not you can trust yourself.

Because we know from here in the work we do to try to manage PTSD, that we need to push ourselves, and perhaps it is not soo good that he backs down all the time to make you feel better. But then again he could maybe be trying to please oyu and not know a little of the pushing we all need sometimes.

Think on it as much as possible T, only you can know how this will pan out or even how you want it to pan out.

Personally I do wish that someone had looked at me and seen what they liked full stop. NO changes, but again mine were all the wrong changes. To find someone that likes me now would be going some, but it would be good to. And I hope that I would know the next time that the guy liked me for me...not what he could turn me into.

This is hard work T and we dont always get it right sometimes we can judge too quickly and not see the bigger picture, and it does happen. The thing is to try to keep communication open and things in a better perspective. Yeah and I know what that sounds like perhaps coming from me...but I do know wht you are saying I do understand you on this. But you cant always were you heavy outdorr farm coat to go out for dinner, or the movies, or a show.. although I did, it wasnt helpful to me to do that. And I wouldnt do it again.

Just weigh it all up T, and again make the choices and decisions you want, just in a relationship there maybe does need to be a little give and take, and also a little trust and truth. You may find oyu can meet somewhere, on some middle ground that may ease you into looking at yourself perhaps a little differently.

I hope that this helps you some T, I have to go I think now...I have a lot to do again still and a big important meeting tomorrow that I could probably do without, but I will hopefully find out finally wheter or not I get to have some EMDR so ..I should really go, I have been harping on about it a lot.

Take care T and I hope it works out for you, I really do. Please try to trust yourself a little more, and at the end of the day...try to do what makes you feel happy, just remember it doesn't always have to be all or nothing PTSD style. There maybe that middle ground somewhere, I hope you can find it. Hey I hope i Can find it too ;)

~fin

 

[TLight]

Hi Guys..........

I can't say enough about how this forum and your support and assitance yesterday helped me through. I was chemically in a very bad place..........all the feelings of my continuous abuse from my Family of Origin and all the bad sexual harassment and degradation were coming through just from this one little incidence.

I realize this now.

I talked with BF, Scott, when he returned home and asked him if he thought her behavior stemmed from their anger at me working with 'towel heads', the stress of the day, or if this is just how his family acts. I wanted to get clear about just what I was dealing with here and how to handle it in the future.

He was absolutely amazing. First he was scared that I was backing off from him, but relayed to me how he can understand how I was putting up guards due to my history. He first of all let me express myself, which I tried to do without anger..........I did pretty good.

Then he explained how his Father was raised back in the days of segregation, how his family had a sarcastic way of teasing sometimes that even he has had to distance himself from when he is feeling vulnerable and in need of support. This is why he doesn't see his brother much. He realizes they have no bad intentions to hurt, but their teasing is just something he can do without. But, on a spectrum of good to bad........they are not at all 'bad' people.

He assured me that most likely Suzy was responding to his order to her to move her car, and mine was blocking hers (I didn't hear his order at all). And if she was inappropriate at any time in the future, any of them.........he would put an end to it the minute he realized anything was happening.

He was very understanding and made me understand. However, I also realized my 'chemical' reaction yesterday was intensely powerful. I've taken so much abuse.........it's downright absurd........my brain is struggling with all the horrible pain of this and it was triggered.

I obviously can't go back to work yet.

So just wanted to check back in and let you all know how much your support yesterday was very healing.

I was super exhausted by the 'chemical' rush.......my heart center hurt tremendously........I was able to connect it back to the past and separate the present with your help.

Christ.....this is hard folks. I've been so intensely damaged. There is stuff I need to write about in my diary..........this brought up a lot of stuff to work on.

Christ..........healing is so hard.........thanks for being there.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Tlight,

I am so glad that things worked out well for you.......Yes, healing is hard. It's hard to deprogram our thinking also. We tend to think the worst, and then our minds just run with it, causing more bad thoughts. We can change our thinking patterns, and have to, in order to heal. We just have to STOP, try to be rational, think, and let things be for awhile, before we try to do anything about it. Stopping,and stepping back, to give ourselves time to think things through.

You did a great job Tlight!!!!! You were the one that did all the work with this one, we just offered some advice, but it was you that ultimately made the choice on what to do........ Give yourself a pat on the back......

And then next time you look in the mirror, try to see the beautiful woman that Scott sees...You will be amazed at the person that stares back at you in that mirror........

 

[TLight]

Oh, Bless you She-Cat and Fin............thanks again.

 

[fin]

I cant believe I didnt post her earlier TLight, I am soo sorry I was very much distracted and it was difficult writing also but ...

I was wondering how it is going with your boyfriends father , if he was making good progress or what really. I have found myself coming back to your thread here this evening and I am so pleased to read your other threads and news there. It helps giving a fuller picture of somebody that I respect for her strength and kindness also.

PLease take care of you and love that great guy you have , I think you are wonderful T and I think a lot of people will be and are very proud of how you are doing and working things through, I know I am but how we all feel doesnt compare to how you feel about things now. I am soo glad that it is working through everythng for you
~fin

 

[TLight]

Hi Fin and thanks for asking.

Rereading this thread made me remember that day and how fragile I became when I thought I was, once again, being treated badly. With your help (everyone on the Forum and specifically you guys)......I was able to handle the situation in a way that didn't hurt me..........

In answer to your question, his Dad is 70 with diabetes and bad kidneys........neither of which he has been managing appropriately in the last few years.........he tends to ignore his insulin needs and not go to the Doc.

His surgery went fine and he has been back for a workup. He is doing as well as can be expected with his other health issues, which are compromising. I saw him yesterday and he is up and about, but gets fatigued very quickly. I think he is having as normal as a recovery as he could hope for given the state of his health, but we are all hoping for the best.

That was a bad day and it is good to look back at it and see how I handled it with all your help in a way that didn't send me down the tubes...........but, boy did I get fragile quickly. Brain chemistry combined with fear combined with negative thought spiral = relapse...........scary stuff, but I can look back with pride at overcoming it and talking it through.