When someone becomes a trigger for me, it can be life-disabling. I seem to map this fear onto someone when I either perceive that they've rejected me or actually fear them.
With my (harmless) ex a few years ago, I not only avoided walking by his house but even his entire neighborhood. Whenever I'd need to leave the house, I'd fret about seeing him and try to plan what I would do or how I could ensure that I wouldn't run into him. I had nightmares about him on most nights. I realized I had a serious problem when I traveled to an entirely different city where I had NO chance of running into him, about every fifth guy with dark hair I thought was him and I felt that stabbing feeling in my gut. I was so paranoid and hypervigilant that scanning crowds for him had become my default perceptual strategy! Eventually I let go of this, but it wasn't because I made any real progress, just that enough time passed that I wasn't scared or ashamed anymore.
Just recently, I had to fire someone in my office, which is SO hard for me. I struggle with assertive communication and it was difficult to have to tell her that she had done a poor job and couldn't work there anymore. I handled the actual firing really well. I was prepared for her to turn around and attack me for not having told her what she was doing wrong. There are only so many behaviors you can anticipate and counteract before common sense comes into play. "Don't be rude to clients. Be careful not to leave valuable documents on public transit. Don't shred important legal documents into pieces when clients stop working with us. Don't text on your phone while we're in meetings." (I could go on and on, but you get the idea!) Anyway, I did the right thing and was still kind and compassionate while not budging. However, she got another job in a nearby building where we also work sometimes. Awkward. Before I realized it, I was trying to plan how to avoid going to that building. Flaking on meetings that would take me even near the building. My coworker mentioned she had run into her, and my heart felt like it stopped beating. I was confused since I had been strong about firing her. I was afraid of retribution, that she loathed me, that she would physically attack me, that she would seek revenge on me or stalk me, and began having nightmares about seeing her.
I'm not one for CBT much, but I found it helpful in this case to talk about my irrational fear (downplaying the severity) with my coworker. This former employee when seeing my coworker was nothing but ingratiating smiles. She's very business-minded, so why would she do anything to further burn bridges? I realized that if I ever ran into her, she would be extra pleasant because I have connections that could harm her career if I went to them about her. I didn't take away a feeling of power over her from that realization, and also it didn't stop my fear. I'm sure if and when I do see her, I will feel a stomach stabbing and a rush of panic. But I remind myself that if I see her, in no way would she try to attack me. It's not in her best interest, and it would reflect poorly on her and not me. I try to remember this whenever I catch myself making a decision out of fear of seeing her.
Thanks BloomInWinter and others for your suggestions about strategies for dealing with this. I'll try to put this to use when coping with more general agoraphobic anxiety. I hope it gets better for you, Real.
-Nora
