Sufferer Help with cptsd. 5yo daughter removed from my care, fighting to get her back.

[OneToughCookie]

Hi, again, Lilly!

I'm so glad that what I posted is useful to you in this tough time. It wasn't your fault your daughter witnessed your severe abuse. How were you supposed to move her to a safe location where she wouldn't witness it WHILE you were being strong-armed into the water or burned by your abuser? Your feeling of deserving to have your daughter taken away from you is internalized from your abuse. I very often experience feelings of not deserving good things, but deserving harm and punishment. When we are dependent on someone, whether a boyfriend or our parents, our psyche works hard to protect that relationship. It is easier for our minds to cope with the idea of us being at fault than to acknowledge that the person who provides for us is screwed up. We internalize the idea that we must be doing something wrong, or else our abuser wouldn't be hurting us. This is completely false. To know this intellectually is a start, but it is not enough. To regain your self-esteem, we have to restore our fight response. Internally, we need to get angry that someone would hurt us so badly they would delude us into thinking we are not deserving. We need to take on faith from trustworthy people that we are deserving, even if it does not match with what we feel internally. It is not your fault. YOU did not hurt her. Your abuser hurt her.

Credible websites that discuss the harm caused by mother-child separation include:
http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/...n_with_traumatic_separation_professionals.pdf
Link Removed

This link will not necessarily help your case, but is important for you to read so you can understand the possible positive aspects of a temporary separation:
Effects of Separation and Attachment

An additional reason a temporary separation is potentially positive is that it is better for your child to be with social services than with your husband. You are the expert on your situation, and you know what's safest for you and your daughter.

Science-Based Happiness Games & Activities | Happify is the other website of which I spoke.

It's my pleasure to be here for you. Let me know if there's anything else we can do for you!

 

[LillyH]

Wow you are truly amazing. I have never been on one of these sites and it is like you totally get it and the answers you are suggesting are actually really helpful to hear. This illness is so hard to understand and the separation between what I feel rationally and intellectually are so completely opposite to when I am in the throes of things.
Again thank you, I cannot even start to say what your responses mean to me right now. Just believing there are people out there who get it and understand is so reassuring as it certainly feels very lonely at times.
X

 

[OneToughCookie]

I'm so very happy to hear that!!!
I know what you mean about the disconnect between your rational thoughts and your deep-rooted emotional beliefs. I still haven't internalized feelings of being deserving. It will take a long time, but it's possible. At least at present I'm able to give myself good things despite my feelings. It's another coping mechanism called "opposite action" used when your feelings don't fit the facts and to act on your impulses wouldn't serve you. The coping skills I listed above are all for crisis management, but don't help in the long term. When you get out of this crisis, let me know, and I'll share what I know!

You're welcome! Thanks for making me feel important. :D

It really does feel lonely. Joining an in-person support group when you're out of this could really benefit you. I did one for sexual assault, and made some great friends who really get it. Being open about what you've experienced can help too. I got back in touch with one of my friends from high school, and when I was talking about my experiences, she felt comfortable opening up about hers. I never had any idea that she struggled with so many similar issues. Now we talk often and support and encourage one another, as well as share tips. By no means do I have a huge support network, but having my boyfriend, two friends with similar experiences, and a therapist helps me feel more comfortable with sharing because I'm not just relying entirely on one person. Friends who haven't been through anything like that are good for a fun time when you need that, but just having friends like that can make you feel like a downer because they tend to not want to talk about these kinds of things. There are tons of people out there struggling too, and I hope you find some and will soon feel less alone.
X

 

[tryingtoheal]

From someone who's been shafted by various systems many times, I believe you and I'm pissed o...

I couldn't agree more! I have been in an eerily similar situation and it angers me! The justice system is supposed to PROTECT us from these monsters, I have no clue how many times they have failed me. It sickens me. I am so sad this is happening to you. Prayers and hugs sent your way!