Helping My Daughter To Understand CPTSD/PTSD

[Suzanne]

I am new here and I posted my basic situation in the Introductions Forum. I am a survivor of sibling abuse as a child, and later as an adult I was kidnapped, forced to marry, kept as hostage and assaulted in every way over a 3 year period. That was 15 years ago.

Recently, my teenage daughter (14 years old - soon to be 15) and I had a huge blow-out over lying and essentially I kicked her out and sent her to live with my parents. This of course, has been difficult on its own.

But over the last 3-4 years, I have been trying to manage my PTSD without medication and I am now forced to admit defeat at this time. For the last year, my symptoms have been worsening and I was in denial about it. My temper is explosive and there is a rage underneath the surface almost all the time.

Over the last two weeks I had sent an email to my daughter and tried to explain what PTSD is and why chronic depression has been an issue for me.

Yesterday, we went to lunch together and I feel we had a good conversation about many things. She has since read about PTSD on the internet and acknowledges that she sees "some" of the symptoms in me. She said a surprising thing to me that I wanted to share. She said, "I had no idea about any of this. I thought it was just the way you were!"

This brought me up short. It's true that I have never sat my daughter down and explained my illness to her. She knows the barest details of my trauma experiences. Over the years, I always felt she was "too young" to know and then of course, as all mothers do, I simply "forgot" that she wasn't a little girl anymore and could handle the facts about my illness, if not the details of my troubled life.

I do think we had a good start yesterday in helping her to understand this illness. If anyone knows of any articles that would be appropriate for a 15 year old girl, that deal with the facts I hope you will let me know. Wikipedia articles are pretty wordy and a bit over her head.

Thank you for being here and for understanding my struggle.

 

[anni]

I'm sure someone will find the exact articles you need. Now that she knows what is going on, though, I'd have to guess your daughter has been reading via Google by herself.That generation was born with access to the internet and boy do they know how to find anything they need! We had a few paragraphs in the encyclopedia. Either way I'm happy for you that you're connecting with her again. My daughter had to grow up with this also, but I was more fortunate in that my PTSD hasn't manifested with rage issues. Don't misunderstand, because certainly she's been impacted dreadfully, and yes, there's a lot of dynamics to 'fix', I know.

Meds really are a personal choice. For me, sometimes I just have to get back on them to get the chemistry back in order. One can feel it's OFF, and there's no dealing with anything until I get out of my own way. At the moment it's back on, I'm rather sure that's due to menopause starting to tick over ( goody!). If you feel your chemistry isn't where you'd like it to be, using a tool to get it back isn't a bad thing I don't think.Some people have various ways of seeming to go through things without meds just fine. I'm unapologetically not one of them. It's a choice either way.

Anyway, just wished to say how lovely to have your daughter this far in your life. It was good to read. I'm sure someone will point the way to helpful information for her and you. I do have to think given the busy brains of teenagers that she's been collecting information all by herself. :)

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't have any exact articles for your daughter to read, but as anni has said, I'm sure she's doing her own research. I hope that you starting to explain things to your daughter brings you closer together, although it must be hard to acknowledge that your little girl isn't so little anymore.

But over the last 3-4 years, I have been trying to manage my PTSD without medication and I am now forced to admit defeat at this time. For the last year, my symptoms have been worsening and I was in denial about it. My temper is explosive and there is a rage underneath the surface almost all the time.

Don't beat yourself up over this. PTSD is hard to beat, and we all need a little help from time to time. Unfortunately it's one of those illnesses that won't go away, but that we learn to manage, and continue to manage, and we need to keep learning and adjusting our lives accordingly. But different stessors come along, so we don't always 'manage' oursleves well. Us PTSDers are also pretty darn good at denial, and sometimes complacency, but eventually PTSD gives us a kick up the backside. You have admitted you now have anger issues, and you are addressing things with your daughter, so you're on the right road. It won't happen overnight, and it is something you will have to continue working hard at, but the results will show.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you both so much. I have not heard from my daughter since I dropped her off on Wednesday afternoon, but I am trying not to be anxious about that and just let her be for now. It's a lot for her to digest and I think she will eventually come around to some understanding. She's a young woman now and yes, that's hard to accept!
:)

I also have to work on myself right now, so it's probably best to have a little distance . Like many of us, I have to fight the tendency to "control the environment" and just let people be who they need to be.

Thanks again for your terrific insight and thoughts,

Suzanne

 

[Cynthiatoo]

Hi Suzanne
I have the same issue with my daughter. I have printed out a copy of Anthonys' "Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - A Guide for Spouses, Family, Friends and Carers.

I was told two years ago to not contact her or my grandson. My temptation is to send it to her, but that has never worked out in the past. I am going to keep the printout and hope that one day there is contact. I will keep it on me if we meet and ask her does she want it.

At least then she will get correct concise information. Hopefully, the fact it comes from this forum will help her believe in PTSD.
I wish you well.

 

[intothelight]

This is really hard to word properly. It is not a criticism of an individual, but just some points that I have had to take into consideration in dealing with my children.

It is good to share information about PTSD with family members and children who are mature enough to understand it. However, it is not an excuse to justify negative behaviors. When the symptoms of irritability, anger, rage, withdrawal, etc. are present, these are very hurtful to children. In fact, they can be abusive. Children may not be able to set boundaries, so we must set them for ourselves when dealing with our children.

A parent with PTSD and a teenager is not a good combination. With mom and teenage girls, throw in some hormones, and the house can really rock and roll. Developing a plan for conflict resolution that everyone practices is a good start. I have three daughters and we all have a "cool down" period before we discuss issues. It helps a lot of the time, but there are times it doesn't work. We are all still working on building healthy relationships.

I wish you the best with your daughter. Its tough enough raising children, but with PTSD it requires a lot of extra effort.