Relationship Helping My SO with Lonliness

[Peace_Of_Mind_For_Me]

Hello All. I am a 23m and my SO is a 21f.

I have been dating my SO for a year and 1 month. I love her very much and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her ( the ring is picked out).

My SO has C-PTSD from growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. She now does not talk to her family (mother, father, brother or sister) as they are all toxic for her. She has some friendships, but not as close as we are. My family is not emotionally supportive of me so we don't look for them to give her support.

I work 10 hours a day, go to therapy once a week, and am a coach 6 hours a week. She has taken a semester off from college, is actively looking for a part-time job, and is home alone all day.

One of her biggest triggers is being alone. Unfortunately she is alone a lot because of my schedule. I do not know how to comfort her when she is alone and I am at work or am coaching. Anything I suggest she shoots down with the line "it won't help, I'm alone and don't have a family". That is what most of our text conversation is about during the day while I am not with her.

I want to know what I can do to help her not feel alone and isolated.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do other than be available via text or phone when you can, the way you seem to be now.

Is she in therapy?

 

[Friday]

It doesn’t sound like she’s alone a lot because of your schedule, so much as she’s alone a lot because of her schedule.

Which may seem like splitting hairs, except?

1. Your schedule reads as really healthy
2. Blame Shifting / Learned Helplessness isn’t healthy.
3. The first step in solving a problem is correctly identifying it.

She has near total control over fixing the problem, because it’s her schedule that’s the problem.

There are near countless ways that she could come at & fix the problem, all of which lead to a fuller / happier / healthier life. Instead? It sounds like she’s blaming you? Wants your life to constrict and be less healthy, rather than for hers to open up and become more healthy? Which leads to a huge series of problems.

Solution when she takes responsibility for her own schedule = fuller, happier, healthier lives for the both of you.

Solution when she blames you and wants your life to constrict to match hers = whole series of problems. That’s not a solution. Because it’s attempting to solve the wrong problem.

 

[EveHarrington]

Until she opens her mind and wants to try different things, nothing will change.

Maybe you should take a tough love approach? This is oftentimes used in group therapy where participants are allowed to contact one another outside the group.

If she calls you to complain, seek help, etc, then she has to try and do whatever it is that you suggest. (Within reason, of course.) If she doesn’t, then you stop offering help.

 

[Mumo]

She took a semester off so perhaps she can work on her schedule for next semester? Can she do some volunteer work? :) there are a lot of places to do that. Shelters (bring over some homemade sweets and coffee for breakfast), toy drives (call toys for tots and help out), animal rescues (walking the dogs, taking pictures and posting them for adoption) Sometimes pushing ourselves to give, can give to ourselves.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

This is a hard one to write about, because I can identify very much with your girlfriend. And....I see why its hard for you. Its great you are on this forum , and I think its great that shes looking for a part time job.
I am currently in the same situation..and its very hard to be at home, it is lonely. My supporter guy texts me back encouragement when I send reports of what I have been up to for me..and it helps me so much. Could this be something???
At the same time my marriage has suffered alot, and at the moment we are separated, because he feels so helpless at times with what im suffering from. Understanding the line between helping and fixing is hard.
Being alone is one of my biggest triggers, but my supporter cant fix it. I think I have only realised that of late. And its a very scary thing to realise.
I dont snap at my guy but we have been together 11 years.

 

[Peace_Of_Mind_For_Me]

OP here:

A quick update with my SO's progress! (I learned of most of this throughout the last week, but these changes occurred over months)

She is not in therapy, but has managed to erase the effects of 4 of her 7 triggers and has effectively managed 3 of the 9 fears she has. I am not sure if I should push her towards therapy as she does a lot for herself on her own by just researching.

She has gotten a part-time job a charter school (managing after-school programs), got accepted to a junior board for a psychiatric hospital, and has been accepted as a manager of volunteers for NAMI.

Unfortunately, some of the things I am in therapy for are affecting our relationship, but I am working on it and trying my best!

Thank you for all of the support! It is very appreciated!