Here Comes The Freight Train Or My Country And Western Song Of A Life

[Wagon]

Hey Fargo,

That's good news...mostly. But we can't hit the trifecta everyday of our lives. Relationship, work and finances.

But as Meatloaf said. Two out of three ain't bad. Pretty damn good for us people living with the beast.

Wagon

 

[abnvet]

the best part is that everyone in the company either has PTSD or their wives have PTSD! What are the chances? So they are completely onboard with me leaving early to make sessions, etc. Talk about kismet.

Wow, to find a company that will truly understand you and why you need time off to make sessions is outstanding.

 

[Fargo1]

Yeah, it is kinda funny actually. When I started, I told my boss what was up with me and he didn't say anything. But as we started working, it all came out. Weird really.

 

[deborah l. boylan]

Hey Fargo! Sounds like you're making progress. Way to go! Here's to more good days than bad!

 

[Fargo1]

Update:

Well finished moving out of the office and putting things into storage completing my last couple of architecture projects...

Whew, my anxiety was running high. I kept having waves of regret—memories of the last 11 years spent in that place. Brutal.

Of course things had a crescendo with my girl as well. We have not spoken much for the last three days...and being in the same room...Can you say awkward? I have noticed a pattern with us...whenever things swing to far towards me, she has to make it all about her. So it wasn't enough that I was working construction 8-10 hours a day, then going to the office to pack and clean. It wasn't enough that she sat around the house, unemployed and not helping pack unless I was there with her. She has to start bitching that I didn't do the dishes this week, yada, yada, yada. Get off your ass and do something!

Today she topped it off with getting in a car accident. Guess what? She didn't pay her insurance...

f*ck me but I just want an easy week. Just one f*cking easy week. Oh and one where I can sleep more than 3-4 hours. Is that asking too much?

 

[Zipperhead]

Sounds like we're walking similar ground there. A fresh start, the unknown, and the other half pissing on our parade. Go back and read your previous posts. Remember the releif when you found that perfect job. The releif when you accepted the closing and your landlord stood behind you. The joy at a break through in therapy and the promise of more to come. Then get out there, ask the ball and chain if she's okay (never ask what happened first, learned that lesson) and buy new insurance. Women, they love to complicate things.

 

[Fargo1]

Zipperhead- thanks for the uplift. I did exactly what you said to do this morning.

Wow, I was deep into the spin yesterday. But I guess this therapy thing and you all have been working. I was able to sit down and vent here rather than completely freak out on T. Nothing got broken...no yelling occurred. She just left like she always does when it gets tough. After she left it even got better! Her ex-husband calls me and asks where the $150 was for his/their daughters rent...WTF!? I said in response. She had told him that she would cover part of her daughters rent (of course she never told me this).

Then it came to me in a moment of clarity why she was so silent and brooding. She was watching me spend my hard earned money paying back due rent, paying for a storage locker, early cancellation fees for my phones, etc...and she didn't have the intestinal fortitude to mention that she was late paying her daughter's rent and had not paid her insurance. I think that I have become such a monster that she is scared to disrupt me, argue with me, maybe even love me anymore.

Goddamn. Two steps forward, one step back.

But I was able to get a solid 5 hours of sleep and now I feel like a broken down jalopy with an oil change and new tires!

So time to get up sailor, dust of my knees, wipe the sweat from my eyes and start the new week. Gotta keep telling myself what my drill instructor yelled at me one day, "Don't sweat the load. Just carry it."

 

[Fargo1]

Another step back. After four years of a relationship and a year of total hell. I did not hear one word from T all week (we are living together). Then last night a get a text message saying that she was coming over tomorrow (today) to get her clothes. The Beast has been building within me all week. I am so tore between loving this woman, trying to heal myself, trying to help heal her, supporting her. But I just can't take it anymore. She is not working as a teammate with me. She cannot even give me the common courtesy of a phone call or text message to let me know that she is alright. WTF? I realize that I am not the easiest guy to be around some of the times. Sometimes I am a downright asshole. But I have been working on it and everyone, I mean everyone around me has noticed it...except her. To her I am selfish and self centered. I don't care about her needs and wants.

I guess it is moot to bitch about it now. Today we ended it and moved all of her shit out of my place. And me, I am now back to being an instrument of destruction. My pain, anger and rage are at an all time high. If I had gone out in public I would have surely inflicted damage on some poor soul. So I staid at home, lifted weights until I was exhausted and stewed in the bullshit that is my life.

I am now standing in a forest fire wearing a flamethrower and trying to figure out what else I can light on fire.

 

[Zipperhead]

Not defending anyone here, but you can't fight when your just sending text messages. She probably couldn't handle talking right then.

I am still coasting here. I don't know why my wife hasn't left. I can't deal with her needs, and sometimes she deliberately doesn't deal with mine. I am waiting for the time bomb to go off. I have dealt her so much shit, and can't stand when some of it splashes back on me. Yet my wife is still here. Soldiering on.

I have been looking for help. I have a therapist now. My wife thinks that means I'm suppose to be working on us. I have tried to explain that I have to fix me first. She is impatient. It's all about her now. She has waited almost 4 years and nothing I do now is good enough. I suppose I can't blame her.

 

[Fargo1]

Ooops, I was so busy burning down the forest that I forgot to explain what happened yesterday...

First she didn't call me or return my calls all week. Nor return text messages (her preferred communication method, Me I f*cking hate it!)

Yesterday morning she came up and packed all of her stuff and moved out. Well most of it anyway. She wants to come up two Mondays from now to get the rest of it.

—My— problem is that my upset over all this has brought back my nightmares with a vengeance. My anger level has built to an almost record high. As shown in my last post, I am not even capable of putting words together in a coherent fashion to even try really communicating with her. She acted like I had no reason to be pissed off at her. What!? You haven't spoken to me, let me know where you are, let me know that you are okay. And we are "supposed" to be in love with each other, living together and trying to make a life together...

Anyway, as I was helping her pack the truck, I asked her what was going on? Her response was that her experience is that therapy is making me worse. I don't show her that I love her. The comment that made me want to scream was when she told me that I had not tried to talk to her...

My response was, "I asked you multiple times what was wrong and did you want to talk about it?" and you said "Nothing."

Her response was, "Maybe you shouldn't have taken that as an answer."

I don't know. At this point I am waffling. But I am spiraling down mates...

 

[Zipperhead]

Woman, "if you don't know whats wrong, I'm not telling you!" Thet say we are insensitive, but at least we can give a straight answer. You may not like the answer (the beast makes us a bit blunt) but you will understand it. Take the space and work on you. I almost wish I had some space. Last night I went to a dinner. It was perfect, our table was on the out side edge. I went to sit in a chair, back to wall. My wife didn't like that spot. I spent the night cringing in the middle of the room. And she knows. Why?

 

[Ned]

There's a huge difference between the way blokes are wired and the way women are wired anyway.
Add to that the way we have been re-wired and it's a f#+king wonder there's still communication at all.
That said, I sometimes think I'm being tested to the point of destruction. I know it's with the best of intentions, but that's what it can feel like.
A nice cosy place to her can feel like point duty to me. 'Happy fun' to her can be overload of signals to me.
Conversely, real space and weather for me can be hostile to her, a 'yahoo' moment for me is unfunny and worrying for her.
I suppose we've got all the usual differences with an extra measure of encryption.
Just glad we all seem to have a very similar Master Key!