Here goes....

[DeadParagon]

Here goes....

Im not sure where to start...

Im here because I had another episode tonight which led to some hopelessness/homicidal rage/suicidal ideation etc.. aside from the usual insomnia..

I only did one tour. I was a field wireman in the Marine reserves. I hated comm but was put where the Marine Corps needed me. I was a 6th Comm Marine based out of Ammityville Long Island, voluntered for my first tour, got attached to comm co based out of Camp Pendleton, San Diego..fun times. I served in the Anbar province (Al Taqaddum and Habbaniya mainly) from 2006-2007.

The morale in our unit on base was extremely low, so I really appreciated leaving the wire to work my ass off. Our job was to dig trenches and run cable. Lmao.. When they told us in training that we would be running cable, I never thought we would literally RUN with the freqin cable.. its so hilarious when I think about it. These areas we ran through were known for sniper attacks. We used to hear stories state side of the casualties and alot more when we got there. We got pretty complacent until we started taking shots.. but they were sneaky cause they wouldn't take shots when we were all together. They took em when we were isolated in 1s, 2s and 3s. I began to appreciate the training because I understood why they made us pull targets on the range (as opposed to a machine). Maybe so we could hear how shots sounded when they popped over our heads (it all started to make sense). Luckily noone in our platoon got hit, but quite a few IAs did. I had this eerie feeling that I was always being watched out there... Like I was in someone's sites... that paranoia follows me wherever I go now... Im sorry for writing so much..

Other than that, I remember seeing mortars fly over my head and hearing explosions around the clock... didnt wanna wear the flak..didnt wanna go home a torso. They scared me shitless at first, but when I stopped caring, I think I started to welcome it in a weird way. It made the miserable job interesting. I caught myself laughing once when they flew over my head... that scared me.. that inappropriate laughter.

Go to SSTP and they got their hands full.. blood everywhere.. bodies missing limbs.. unrecognizable.. I felt like I shrunk...like I became very small when I saw them and asked doc if they were gonna be ok..

I remember laughing at dead insurgents... I remember IED graveyards.. I remember the sky lighting up.. I remember that amped up feeling on convoys.. blown up buildings.. escalation of force almost getting us killed..cars in the road played tetris to get out our way.. suspicious vehicle left..suspicious persons right... suspicious blabla bla.. unknown gunfire keep moving push through etc. I remember scenes that gave me the impression.. I am in hell.. this is what hell looks like...
I wanna go home... now all I could think about is going back

I am 100% convinced that I died out there.. that feeling came over me maybe a month before we went home.. I feel like Im gonna die out here.. that I could only operate in a warzone.. but I cant go back because I got in trouble after I came home.. drug use. But I feel like I gotta go back somehow even if I might not make it home.. but Im dead if I stay here. Damned if I do and damned if I dont I guess.

I feel ashamed because I didnt use my weapon or kill anyone and my close friends didnt die on me.. so how can I have PTSD from the war. I had to ask my buddies if we went through a lot, cause I cant tell myself. Other troops went through so much more. Maybe I need to go back and experience more? Maybe Im soft? But I wasnt soft out there.. I was charged up.. ready for anything.. I wanted more. The rage fit the situation but its destroying me out here.

My therapist said I got PTSD from childhood trauma too but I think I dealt with it good up until my deployment. I was a great guy. I was everything I wanted to be.. but I lost that. Havent been able to get him back for the life of me... more reason to go back to the warzone.

Its really f*cked..

I stopped drinkin and druggin and going to AA which helps a little.. and Im active in the VA system..
As far as life without the service...
Only thing that gives me a glimpse of hope is my music.. I call it my link back to the world. My music hasnt been completely infiltrated by the apathy and inability to love. It was only partially infiltrated. Anytime I try a relationship or gainful employment, this little voice in my head (that seems to be stronger than me) tells me, "you know you cant keep this up; you know this is meaningless; this doesnt mean anything to you; you need to go back to war where you belong". Another voice tells me I need to end the chapter (die honorably). I fight with these until the relationship or job attempt is out the window and I become suicidal...

I dont have a recurring nightmare but my nightmares have a recurring theme.. Always seems like hundreds of mortars and rockets.. me dodging them.. people blowing up around me.. and I have no way of defending myself... I give up
Even very creative dreams of monsters that manifest out of sand and try to kill me and even if I manage to break them apart, they still come right back together and come back at me...that started after sessions where I mentioned that I feel the desert is still trying to kill me... go figure..

Im sorry to write so much. I feel like I could go on for days. Definitely cant sleep now... its like I stirred up a pot full of boiling shit and now the whole house reeks of it.

I just want the episodes to go away.. I wanna be normal again. I honestly feel like this is gonna kill If I dont fix it.
Now Ill go post some more shit...

 

[anthony]

Mate, welcome to the forum. It is late right now that I have gotten to this, but I will come back to it tomorrow, read and respond. Great to have another here to this very new community.

 

[anthony]

Im sorry to write so much. I feel like I could go on for days. Definitely cant sleep now... its like I stirred up a pot full of boiling shit and now the whole house reeks of it.

I just want the episodes to go away.. I wanna be normal again. I honestly feel like this is gonna kill If I dont fix it.
Now Ill go post some more shit...

DP, nothing wrong with writing... its actually a form of exposure therapy if you like, towards your trauma. It actually does help to stir this up, but only if you find some resolution whilst doing this to the problems.

Firstly, you must accept that you have something new, being PTSD, that you never had before. Normal is a perception of social standards, not a hard line criteria. What is normal for one is not for another. Nothing is going to go away though unfortunately, but with a shitload of self work, educating yourself to everything PTSD and trauma related that you can, this will actually get much better for you.

There is no model of what gives PTSD in the realm of abnormal trauma. In that you can stand two people side by side, expose them to the same situation, one gets PTSD, one doesn't. Hell, the one who didn't get it may get it in 20 years time when they experience another abnormally traumatic event within their life. Basically, the first trauma was a pre-cursor to the second, now with the two, they get PTSD. You have to know this because you need to understand that there is no difference between you having PTSD vs. someone who was in more shit than you or had it worse. The strongest and toughest people get PTSD... actually they are more likely to get it, because they are more likely to dismiss their emotions felt.

Nightmares are a symptom, and it is useless trying to treat any symptom. If you treat the cause, being your trauma, then the symptoms begin to dismiss quite rapidly for the most part. Usually the only thing you are left with is the residual PTSD core aspects, being anxiety and depression, though both are much less after you remove the cause, though they will still exist.

You question why you have PTSD from what you endured. Well... lets recap on what you said, except lets put it another way, more likely the way your brain is interpreting things but maybe you are not recognizing them or aren't sure what to make of these actual thoughts.

1. Being shot at is actually just a waiting game until one hits you.
2. Mortars and bombs going over your head is a waiting game until one lands near you.
3. Viewing others torn apart, missing limbs, etc, is a mental waiting game as to whether you will be the same as what you have now just seen for yourself.
4. Knowing snipers take people out, is now a mental actuality that you may very well be hit by a sniper.
5. Everybody not in uniform becomes a suspicious person, because you no longer can trust any person other than a soldier.

You get the idea no doubt. A simple event spans much further within our mind. Our brain takes it and runs with it basically, then turns something that we may think is small and makes it bigger.

Now... wanting to go back. There is a very good reason for that. The problem with once you have been in a war zone, is that because you are their for such a duration, more often than not, it becomes a familiar place that you know how to function within. You went through all this military training, which confirmed in such a place that this training can and does actually save lives. It helped you live throughout being within such a place and return home. Now the problem... home is nothing like what you just experienced, it is no longer familiar, nor do the people within your home understand what it was like in a war zone. Your brain actually becomes more familiar to function within a war zone. Its not right, but its what happens. This is why many ex service people try and takeup jobs in war zones as civilians, because their brain can understand and rationalise your actions within such a place. Your brain nor people around you at home can rationalise your anger, rage, alertness, hypervigilance, etc. Its not a normal reaction of life skill when home, when in a country that is not in war constantly.

The military don't deprogram a soldier after time served. You actually learn to inherit a couple of the symptoms off PTSD during training, being hypervigilance and anger. You are trained to explode in rage upon the battlefield, to be hypervigilant constantly of your surroundings. This is why these two specific symptoms of PTSD are much worse for soldiers, because you have been pre-trained to have them before PTSD was ever present.

How do the military typically teach their soldiers to control their anger? Drinking, socializing, sticking together as a team. So when anger and rage become more than you can handle... typically a soldier will drink to try and suppress the rage.

I don't ever tell any veteran who drinks to totally quit, because its not necessarily productive to do so, especially if you actually enjoy having one or two drinks every now and then. The problem is not drinking, its not because you are an alcoholic by genetics, but due to behaviour and trauma. When you reduce the trauma and relearn other behaviours, you then can control drinking and use it within its correct context, being social and to relax once in a while, not abuse it and drink until you pass out or to not remember nightmares. It is a learning behaviour from the military and one that you can control after much work.

Very glad to have you here though.... don't stop writing, because it will help you to get it out.

 

[DeadParagon]

Thanks Generic. That reply helped me out a lot. It makes more sense in my brain now. I gotta try to go to sleep now, so Ill come back on tomorrow and post up again. I have more to reply to that. And you're right about the writing. Its been helping me. Thanks a million for the support Generic.

Mike

 

[DeadParagon]

Sorry it took me so long to reply. I get caught up in a lot of things, especially my brain.

You're reply to my intro helped me out tremendously, so thanks brother. I gotta stay close to my vets. I think the group therapy is starting to pay off because I get a lot of support from the other OIF/OEF vets. You guys keep giving me the guidance and the tools to cope.
My psych gave me knew meds too to help with my episodes. Klonopines/clonazepam. Im a little iffy about them because i can see myself having to take them for the rest of my life.
You know how we tend to blow up situations right? Well, earlier I had a problem with a new hp laptop I just bought. I was up all night setting it up; downloading music softwares; installing them and making sure they run properly. Then I did some wild shit with the click of a button and it seemed like I lost everything instantly, which logically wouldnt be correct because it takes time to format an entire hard drive. So I called hp support, yelling cursing, going ape shit, then had to take 2 klonopines to bring me down some. Of course, the problem wasn't as major as I thought it was (windows 7 can't be that retarded). Just an example. If I take them (and my propranalol of course) I have more control. If I dont take em, strap me up and readmit me (at some point).

Besides all that...

You're right about the self educating and self work. A little over a year ago, it became apparent that my denial was gonna kill me.

Hell, the one who didn't get it may get it in 20 years time when they experience another abnormally traumatic event within their life. Basically, the first trauma was a pre-cursor to the second, now with the two, they get PTSD.

I think I can relate because I had some traumatic experiences in childhood but I cleared up and became the man I always wanted to be (cool, calm, collective). Then I got deployed, came home, and became a complete nut case. Now I jump to extremes for everything. I dont even have to tell people I wanna kill them. All I gotta do is look at them. And it's all over nothing.

I did dismiss most of my emotions out there too except for anger and rage. But a major depression hit me towards the end of our rotation. No more missions, no more work. We were just waiting to go stateside. That was when that black hole of a void hit me and I felt like I completely lost myself. My essence? soul? whatever you wanna call it.

I gotta take a pause after reading the 5 points you wrote. Sometimes it hits me, sometimes it doesn't, but this time it did. I hate the intrusive thoughts. It really f*ckin hurts when they hit me...like now. 2 to 10 seconds of heavy tears followed by anger..then.. shut down. I hate when that happens.

When we were out there we always talked about how good it would be to get back home again. I used to call Iraq "the real surreal world". But when I came "home", it was the other way around. Everything was fake. Plastic people. Drones. Lemmings. Society in a hamster wheel. This gave me a lot of thoughts of a sociopath, even though I know thats not my nature. Like going on a rampage/killing spree, wiping out the plastic people until I was taken out myself. Sort of like a real life emulation of the GTA video game. I had some wild thoughts I would obsess over. But the real me is a caring individual (or was). So I scare myself a lot of the time. Im sorry, but this is bringing up way more than I can handle right now. Im gonna go try to help someone else out in a post reply so I can get out of my own head.

Talk to you soon
Mike

 

[anthony]

(cool, calm, collective)

Funny that... I actually had the chinese characters for cool, calm and collective put into my arm band when I returned from ops end 99. This was when I really fell apart, kicked my first wife out and went on a six month bender breaking other peoples bones and my own in the process. That was an eventful time in my life...

I dont even have to tell people I wanna kill them. All I gotta do is look at them. And it's all over nothing.

Yep... used to be like that myself.

When we were out there we always talked about how good it would be to get back home again. I used to call Iraq "the real surreal world". But when I came "home", it was the other way around.

Here is one of the largest issues with veterans... and a lot of this has to do with training and what we have experienced compared to those at home. It is near impossible to get someone who hasn't experienced a combat zone to understand... they can try, but unless they have been in it, its impossible. The problem is that we were trained to do it, our training kept us alive and we came home. Now what we have been taught and what we just experienced are no longer the same.

Our brain learns and becomes used to our surroundings or what we deem to be familiar. It is like moving houses. You are comfortable in your home and when you move to a new home you are now uncomfortable in some aspects. Things are not where you have known them to be, shops around you are not where you know them to be, you have to find new amenities, shops, speciality shops, etc etc. Basically, your familiar has become unfamiliar, but with time suddenly you forget about your old location and your new location becomes your new familiar.

The problem still... moving within a civilian environment impacts you to a degree. Moving from something like a combat zone to a civilian environment now takes far longer to readjust so that it becomes familiar once again, so your anxiety and senses are not heightened. Some aspects just require time, whilst a good majority require hard work. Being home is one of those aspects that just takes time... and when I say time, I mean years due to the sheer difference between environments.