Here I Am, Disassociating...

[naominataliex]

As he's, (my boyfriend) laid on the bed, my young son playing on a game, I'm literally sat on the floor, on my phone, but not paying attention to my phone, just using it as a crutch, or let's say an excuse, as to not speak to anyone.
It's lasted all day, I've been quiet, I've just felt quiet.
I try to answer questions and say what i know, deep down i should be and would need to say but apart from those few select words and phrases, I've stayed schlum.
My boyfriend will ask if I'm okay, of course i say yeah, trying my utmost to sound perky and cheerful, though i know he knows I'm not, or i am, but I'm just in my own bubble.
He then starts to feel anxious, he'll not say it's because of me but we both know too well, I'm a good reason for it... Poor bloke hasn't done anything yet he's wondering if he has and I'm here not really refusing that but still unable to console him because of how i am right now...
I'm just here feeling quiet :-\

 

[sun seeker]

Quiet is okay. :-)

Does your boyfriend understand dissociation? Maybe when you're not in the thick of it you could have a talk with him, set up some sort of a signal so he knows when it is happening, that is what it is and not about him. That will be one less thing to worry you, at least.

If you feel ready to come out, there are a few things that might work. Anything that jolts the senses really. Something spicy or sour to eat, holding ice in your hands or an ice pack on your face, are a few of my favourites.

 

[naominataliex]

Thankyou...
I do need to have a chat with him, he knows of ptsd, but is yet to know all the in's and out's of it. I've never really had a big conversation about it all, i choose to have little bits of conversation on different issues, at different times :-\
And they are good ideas actually, i wouldn't of thought to do anything, i normally sleep it off and hope i wake up in a better state..
Thankyou for those :-)

 

[Friday]

My boyfriend will ask if I'm okay, of course i say yeah, trying my utmost to sound perky and cheerful, though i know he knows I'm not, or i am, but I'm just in my own bubble.

Try the truth.

I'm trying to be. // Nope! // No. But I will be. // I'm really overwhelmed right now. // I'm really zoned out right now. // I'm feeling really distant and quiet, but still really want to be a part of what's going on with You & TheSon. // Yes & No. // et cetera.

 

[barefoot]

I didn't know for years that I dissociated - I only realised when I started having therapy.

Because I didn't know I was doing it, my partner didn't know either. And actually, a lot of things fell into place for both of us when I learnt about dissociation and then told my partner about it. Turns out that, whenever I dissociated in the past, she used to think I was just staring in to space and ignoring her/refusing to talk to her because she'd done something wrong. And if she were to mention later about me ignoring her, I wouldn't really know what she was talking about (because I didn't know I'd been dissociating) and I would deny it - which I think confused/annoyed/hurt her more.

So....I've definitely found that talking about it with her has helped both of us, because now we both know what's going on (and what isn't!)

Now...she might still initially worry that she's done something wrong (it's the sort of person she is!) but she asks. And if I can say something like "I'm feeling spacey", or "I'm feeling a bit 'here but not here'" she understands what's happening and she knows it's not personal. So now she just usually asks if there's anything she can do. And if I'm not able to answer her, she just knows to leave me to it!

And I second @sun seeker's suggestion to find some grounding techniques that work for you. There are loads of options - different things work best for different people - and they take practise...lots and lots of practise! But, if you find effective ones for you and keep at it (and your partner could help with it too if you wanted) you can start to bring yourself out of dissociative states (especially when you can start to recognise that you're slipping in to it but haven't gone really deep yet). Search this site for "grounding techniques' and you'll find lots of suggestions from members here. Experiment and find what works most effectively for you. The key thing is to stimulate your senses to get you back in your body and back in the present.
Some that help me:
- I find smell a useful sense to stimulate me back in to reality, so spraying perfume/room sprays etc is good for mild dissociation. If it's a deeper state, my nice familiar perfume isn't so effective - a smell that isn't so pleasant then works best for me. I use a black pepper essential oil to sniff then - it's not a hideous smell that makes me retch! But it is a bit of a 'woah!' Something that jolts me out of my numb, zoned out bubble.
- I wash my hands in cold water
- I put hand cream on and rub it in very mindfully (not too soothingly as I'll just dissociate again!) to feel my hands again
- I eat potent liquorice/menthol sweets - I don't really hate them but I don't much like them either, so that's effective because I really notice the taste
- Get up, stamp my feet, feel my feet on the floor, really feel an awareness of my feet being on the end of my legs
- clap my hands
- Blast some music on and try to make myself sing or hum along or even dance a bit - anything so I'm engaging with it and it's not just washing over me. Has to be the right music, mind you - I have a few tracks in a Dissociation playlist on my phone!


Feeling quiet is just fine. But I hope you're feeling more present today.