K
Kebuhen
Hey all. I'm back. I posted a couple weeks ago. I feel tortured by my relationship. God help me. I keep getting stuck in the same horrible pattern. I'm desperate. All I want to do is just put it all behind me and forget. It's taken the biggest emotional toll on me and I'm trying to pick up the pieces. She knows just what to say to crush me.
My ex and I had a rollercoaster relationship. She says her PTSD symptoms began at the start of our relationship. It was always so turbulent. It consisted of her always blindsiding me and walking out on us when I never expected it. And it was always so painful. And I stupidly kept going back. I never understood why she was doing it. Why one minute she wanted to marry me and the next she was storming out and telling me never to contact her again. Small fights would blow up in massive ones and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them. She would always storm out in rage rather than work it out and it was so hurtful. Sometimes I got thrown out of her apartment at the threat of the cops, other times it was that she would get her ex fwb to come pick her up which devistated me. Or she would just call me and break up with me out of nowhere then hang up while I still needed to understand. It was always something absolutely crushing. Sometimes I was the idiot chasing her afterwards, and other times it was her. But we always stupidly got back together, me convincing myself it's not her fault because of PTSD.
Recently, she said she just needed a bit if time to get herself together once and for all. I let go completely and backed off. I gave her about a month of no contact. She came back and said all the things I wanted to hear. That she had finally gotten herself together and was ready to be the person I needed her to be and she was all mine and we could have the dream relationship we had always wanted. I blindly accepted like a fool because I love her so much.
Less than a week later, we already have our first fight. I pick her up from work and she's acting like something is wrong. I ask her what's wrong and she says she's just tired. She acts distant all night and I get a bad feeling but plug along. Next thing I know, she's telling me I'm wrong for how I handled a situation. It bothered me but I let it go. We lay down for bed and she tells me that I've acted hurt all day and I apparently guilt tripped her for being tired when I picked her up from work. I was like what? How did I guilt trip you? She then says she doesn't want to deal with it because its late and has to he up in the morning. I can't win.
Then I take her to work and drop her off and she doesn't contact me after that firna day and a half. I finally contact her and ask if she's okay. She tells me she's fine and doesn't want the kind of relationship where we have to constantly keep up with one another all the time. We've been together two years and always kept up with each other! I just shrugged it off to avoid a fight. That night I pick her up and we hang out. I'm feeling pretty low because I can sense something bad coming. She then makes a hurtful jab at me and I couldn't ignore it anymore. So I ask her to come talk to me. I finally, after two years, break down and say I'm so damn hurt from our past. That I'm insecure and damaged from everything. Next thing I know, she calls the one guy she knows will crush me the most to come pick her up from my house and storms out leaving. I was still trying to talk! I was stunned.
The next day i message her and tellbuer how much she hurt me and she responded by telling me she's blocking me and doesn't want anything to do with a "man like me." Who just blames everything on her and what did I expect from a girl developing PTSD when we first got together. She told me I have too many insecurities and she can't deal with it and I need to deal with my issues. MY issues!
Now she's blocked me, blaming everything on me. How apparently I have no right to the hurt I feel and all the damage. I never blamed her. Just said how I felt.
I feel hatred in my heart. But same as usual .. It's against her but also myself as well for always being such an idiot. She's just made me feel everything was my fault!
My ex and I had a rollercoaster relationship. She says her PTSD symptoms began at the start of our relationship. It was always so turbulent. It consisted of her always blindsiding me and walking out on us when I never expected it. And it was always so painful. And I stupidly kept going back. I never understood why she was doing it. Why one minute she wanted to marry me and the next she was storming out and telling me never to contact her again. Small fights would blow up in massive ones and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop them. She would always storm out in rage rather than work it out and it was so hurtful. Sometimes I got thrown out of her apartment at the threat of the cops, other times it was that she would get her ex fwb to come pick her up which devistated me. Or she would just call me and break up with me out of nowhere then hang up while I still needed to understand. It was always something absolutely crushing. Sometimes I was the idiot chasing her afterwards, and other times it was her. But we always stupidly got back together, me convincing myself it's not her fault because of PTSD.
Recently, she said she just needed a bit if time to get herself together once and for all. I let go completely and backed off. I gave her about a month of no contact. She came back and said all the things I wanted to hear. That she had finally gotten herself together and was ready to be the person I needed her to be and she was all mine and we could have the dream relationship we had always wanted. I blindly accepted like a fool because I love her so much.
Less than a week later, we already have our first fight. I pick her up from work and she's acting like something is wrong. I ask her what's wrong and she says she's just tired. She acts distant all night and I get a bad feeling but plug along. Next thing I know, she's telling me I'm wrong for how I handled a situation. It bothered me but I let it go. We lay down for bed and she tells me that I've acted hurt all day and I apparently guilt tripped her for being tired when I picked her up from work. I was like what? How did I guilt trip you? She then says she doesn't want to deal with it because its late and has to he up in the morning. I can't win.
Then I take her to work and drop her off and she doesn't contact me after that firna day and a half. I finally contact her and ask if she's okay. She tells me she's fine and doesn't want the kind of relationship where we have to constantly keep up with one another all the time. We've been together two years and always kept up with each other! I just shrugged it off to avoid a fight. That night I pick her up and we hang out. I'm feeling pretty low because I can sense something bad coming. She then makes a hurtful jab at me and I couldn't ignore it anymore. So I ask her to come talk to me. I finally, after two years, break down and say I'm so damn hurt from our past. That I'm insecure and damaged from everything. Next thing I know, she calls the one guy she knows will crush me the most to come pick her up from my house and storms out leaving. I was still trying to talk! I was stunned.
The next day i message her and tellbuer how much she hurt me and she responded by telling me she's blocking me and doesn't want anything to do with a "man like me." Who just blames everything on her and what did I expect from a girl developing PTSD when we first got together. She told me I have too many insecurities and she can't deal with it and I need to deal with my issues. MY issues!
Now she's blocked me, blaming everything on me. How apparently I have no right to the hurt I feel and all the damage. I never blamed her. Just said how I felt.
I feel hatred in my heart. But same as usual .. It's against her but also myself as well for always being such an idiot. She's just made me feel everything was my fault!
