Below is a summary of my major life events. Obviously we could all write a book on ourselves but below I think are the necessary details for you to get where I am coming from.
Hello to all who are reading this. I never believed that my life could ever be this way. For me in the past everything was automatic. My emotions worked in predictable cycles where even when I felt depressed, I knew that eventually I would feel good. Even a thing like feeling down and depressed had a cathartic element to it. I remember thinking, 'whatever happens, nothing is bad because I feel alive.' I was always a person who enjoyed joking around and laughing. That was essentially my main thing. What I fear most now is that I will never be able to laugh again.
I had a bit of a disruptive childhood. Was always moving to different schools and houses (I totalled 6 schools and 11 houses from 0-18 years). When I was 8 we settled in a nice big house in the countryside. I had a good childhood at that point. I had freedom, a good education and was treated with a lot of love and care. The youngest of three siblings, the first boy in the family, I kind of got special attention. People always calling me cute etc.
When I was about 10 we had to move out. My dad lost all our money and gambled away our house on the roulette wheel. The idea of change really got to me but I coped. At this point we moved around a lot. I noticed more arguments and tension. We eventually ended up living in a bed and breakfast for a while. My parents couldn't afford the school fees and I had to leave. My heart was broken. All my friends were there and I really loved the school. What was worse was I couldn't get to say good bye.
At the age of 12 we were in a new house. I was out of school and things were getting gradually worse. My mum gets pregnant. Then at roughly the same time my dad goes to prison. He was involved in some dodgy dealing and was sentenced to 3 years. My world had been turned upside down. Where I once felt comfortable I now felt ashamed of my family and who I was. I remember feeling inferior to my friends and that is something that I have never really shaken.
I was never overly popular at school. I made good friends and always tried to be the center of attention. Always beings the 'funny guy', always trying to make people laugh and look on the lighter side of life. I got my first girlfriend when I was 15. It felt good, half a year later she dumped me. Once again my heart was broken. My next girlfriend was a little bit later. A disaster on all fronts. Went in all luvvy duvvy again and killed the chemistry. I remember forcing a kiss and it being the most awkward uncomfortable moment of intimacy I could have ever imagined. That feeling of being 'not enough'. Having to force it. That the girl was above is something that lives with me today.
After college I went and did an art course. Pretty much immediately I fell in love with a girl. We got on so well. I didn't think she could be for me because I believed that she was too pretty for me and wouldn't like me. One night on a trip to Amsterdam I told her my feelings. She rejected me. This was the first of 3 rejections over the next year which gradually broke me down leaving me feeling weak and useless.
In the second half of the year I started smoking weed. It was great. It made me feel so relaxed and I was able to deal with social situations in a way that had me shaking before. I was this new chilled out, intelligent and funny guy. As with all things like this though I wanted more and more. Being a 19 year old virgin I was constantly battling with my shame. Constantly wanting to face my problems whilst simultaneously running away from them. I started taking ecstasy on a regular basis. I had an awesome group of friends and was having the best time of my life. I had never been this popular before and it made me feel like I'd actually achieved something (socially).
I went off the rails. I started taking everything I could get my hands on. I became sleep deprived to the point where in one week I had only had 18 hours sleep. I gradually started losing my mind and entered into a drug-induced psychosis. The number of crazy things that happened over the space of a few things are too many to write here but they were all pretty extreme. After taking a huge amount of one particular psychedelic drug I completely lost it and ended up walking in front of an oncoming van. I was then later sent to a mental institution for a couple of weeks to recover.
Since then I managed to get the drug use under control. Saying that though I did more psychedelics pretty soon after this whole experience with no evident adverse reactions. For me it was a drug that helped give me clarity in this sea of confusion.
It is three years on and earlier this summer I was to possibly **** up for one final time which has taken me to this point now. After the 'van' incident I essentially never really dealt with my problems. I never went and got counseling and I continued to use drugs as a way of escaping from myself and my problems.
In June I was mugged when on holiday. This shook me up a fair bit. It was bad luck that I had planned on going to this music festival a week later. I had decided to go on my own. I was fed up being this weak 21 year old virgin. I was fed up having an unstable identity and I just wanted to be and feel like a man for once. What happened was the worst thing that could have happened. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take a load of ketamine and then go and try and socialise with the people at the festival. My speech had already been disrupted by an earlier incident a year prior when a stranger essentially verbally attacked how I spoke. With this still in my mind and myself monitoring everything I said COMBINED with the drug that is renowned for distorting how you assemble your sentences, made me into a blubbering embarrassing mess. The next 5 days were hell. The paranoia set in and I felt like I was in solitary confinement. Every person I spoke to I felt like I was a failure. I felt embarrassed and ashamed constantly. I had a total identity crisis and eventually just shut down. I became completely numb. It was simply too much for me to handle.
I became convinced that I had brain damage. That social isolation for an extended period of time meant that parts of your brain that dealt with interaction, emotion and especially laughter had been destroyed.
Since then I every day has been empty. My memory loss is disturbing. I am at university now and I can't concentrate on my work. I am utterly numb. I find pleasure in eating but when I do a thing like laughing, I will do the actions of laughing like it's a reflex but there will be no feeling of pleasure, joy or elation.
I have hated myself more than I thought I ever could. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did. Knowing that I wasn't dealing with my problems and going directly against what I knew was right. Every day is a struggle and I am always losing hope. I never thought it could ever be like this and all I want is to feel again. Even if it means me crying for 2 days in constant pain. I don't care. I just want to feel alive.
Hello to all who are reading this. I never believed that my life could ever be this way. For me in the past everything was automatic. My emotions worked in predictable cycles where even when I felt depressed, I knew that eventually I would feel good. Even a thing like feeling down and depressed had a cathartic element to it. I remember thinking, 'whatever happens, nothing is bad because I feel alive.' I was always a person who enjoyed joking around and laughing. That was essentially my main thing. What I fear most now is that I will never be able to laugh again.
I had a bit of a disruptive childhood. Was always moving to different schools and houses (I totalled 6 schools and 11 houses from 0-18 years). When I was 8 we settled in a nice big house in the countryside. I had a good childhood at that point. I had freedom, a good education and was treated with a lot of love and care. The youngest of three siblings, the first boy in the family, I kind of got special attention. People always calling me cute etc.
When I was about 10 we had to move out. My dad lost all our money and gambled away our house on the roulette wheel. The idea of change really got to me but I coped. At this point we moved around a lot. I noticed more arguments and tension. We eventually ended up living in a bed and breakfast for a while. My parents couldn't afford the school fees and I had to leave. My heart was broken. All my friends were there and I really loved the school. What was worse was I couldn't get to say good bye.
At the age of 12 we were in a new house. I was out of school and things were getting gradually worse. My mum gets pregnant. Then at roughly the same time my dad goes to prison. He was involved in some dodgy dealing and was sentenced to 3 years. My world had been turned upside down. Where I once felt comfortable I now felt ashamed of my family and who I was. I remember feeling inferior to my friends and that is something that I have never really shaken.
I was never overly popular at school. I made good friends and always tried to be the center of attention. Always beings the 'funny guy', always trying to make people laugh and look on the lighter side of life. I got my first girlfriend when I was 15. It felt good, half a year later she dumped me. Once again my heart was broken. My next girlfriend was a little bit later. A disaster on all fronts. Went in all luvvy duvvy again and killed the chemistry. I remember forcing a kiss and it being the most awkward uncomfortable moment of intimacy I could have ever imagined. That feeling of being 'not enough'. Having to force it. That the girl was above is something that lives with me today.
After college I went and did an art course. Pretty much immediately I fell in love with a girl. We got on so well. I didn't think she could be for me because I believed that she was too pretty for me and wouldn't like me. One night on a trip to Amsterdam I told her my feelings. She rejected me. This was the first of 3 rejections over the next year which gradually broke me down leaving me feeling weak and useless.
In the second half of the year I started smoking weed. It was great. It made me feel so relaxed and I was able to deal with social situations in a way that had me shaking before. I was this new chilled out, intelligent and funny guy. As with all things like this though I wanted more and more. Being a 19 year old virgin I was constantly battling with my shame. Constantly wanting to face my problems whilst simultaneously running away from them. I started taking ecstasy on a regular basis. I had an awesome group of friends and was having the best time of my life. I had never been this popular before and it made me feel like I'd actually achieved something (socially).
I went off the rails. I started taking everything I could get my hands on. I became sleep deprived to the point where in one week I had only had 18 hours sleep. I gradually started losing my mind and entered into a drug-induced psychosis. The number of crazy things that happened over the space of a few things are too many to write here but they were all pretty extreme. After taking a huge amount of one particular psychedelic drug I completely lost it and ended up walking in front of an oncoming van. I was then later sent to a mental institution for a couple of weeks to recover.
Since then I managed to get the drug use under control. Saying that though I did more psychedelics pretty soon after this whole experience with no evident adverse reactions. For me it was a drug that helped give me clarity in this sea of confusion.
It is three years on and earlier this summer I was to possibly **** up for one final time which has taken me to this point now. After the 'van' incident I essentially never really dealt with my problems. I never went and got counseling and I continued to use drugs as a way of escaping from myself and my problems.
In June I was mugged when on holiday. This shook me up a fair bit. It was bad luck that I had planned on going to this music festival a week later. I had decided to go on my own. I was fed up being this weak 21 year old virgin. I was fed up having an unstable identity and I just wanted to be and feel like a man for once. What happened was the worst thing that could have happened. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take a load of ketamine and then go and try and socialise with the people at the festival. My speech had already been disrupted by an earlier incident a year prior when a stranger essentially verbally attacked how I spoke. With this still in my mind and myself monitoring everything I said COMBINED with the drug that is renowned for distorting how you assemble your sentences, made me into a blubbering embarrassing mess. The next 5 days were hell. The paranoia set in and I felt like I was in solitary confinement. Every person I spoke to I felt like I was a failure. I felt embarrassed and ashamed constantly. I had a total identity crisis and eventually just shut down. I became completely numb. It was simply too much for me to handle.
I became convinced that I had brain damage. That social isolation for an extended period of time meant that parts of your brain that dealt with interaction, emotion and especially laughter had been destroyed.
Since then I every day has been empty. My memory loss is disturbing. I am at university now and I can't concentrate on my work. I am utterly numb. I find pleasure in eating but when I do a thing like laughing, I will do the actions of laughing like it's a reflex but there will be no feeling of pleasure, joy or elation.
I have hated myself more than I thought I ever could. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did. Knowing that I wasn't dealing with my problems and going directly against what I knew was right. Every day is a struggle and I am always losing hope. I never thought it could ever be like this and all I want is to feel again. Even if it means me crying for 2 days in constant pain. I don't care. I just want to feel alive.
